f_or

2024-11-24    14:17:22 PM

Like being raped by a supposedly gay black man in 2003. I could tell they were setting me up months before, but I seemed to be powerless to prevent it. I've written about it before. I suffered an external hemorrhoid from the event and had anal itching almost every night for almost a decade after that. Every night it produced a feeling of hate, somewhat directed at the perpetrator. I scoured the internet for a solution, but I couldn't find anything that worked. The creams especially dildn't seem to do much at all. I eventually came up with the idea on my own of taking a shower 20 minutes after I have a bowel movement and that totally worked. That was about a decade ago and as long as I do that, I don't have the problem of anal itching. It's something that has kept me working from home and when I got desperate enough for work a couple years ago and was applying to full time jobs, I was telling the recruiters that I was wiling to work in their office if they had a shower. Thankfully, I've been working from home exclusively since 2012. The hateful trigger does not come up each day when I look at the watch with hands on my wrist to time the 20 minutes. I actually quite enjoy looking at my watch and am thankful to have found this routine.

Black Lives Matter is a trigger on the whole thing though. I love this "black" jazz music in my life, but I can't help but be triggered by all of that because of the rape. I also dislike the Christianity that most black people seem to endorse. I mostly dislike the content of what they share about God and other things just as much as the negative trigger. I try to be open minded, but after so many years, I'm mostly tuning out now. And then there is the harder rap music, of which I've certainly partaken in with some of my music when I was younger. And then all the black man/white woman porn. I certainly didn't watch any of that and it was a trigger about my rape as well. I don't know. I have this love/hate thing going on with "black" culture. Going to Mars or the moon with Esperanza Spalding is a thing with me. She is on my list of about 6 people. A short list. The idea is triggering though, but she is obviously totally amazing and we were trained by the same instructor.

Actually, I think one of the coolest things to come out of all of that, which I can't confirm really exists at all, is that if black men have been having children with white women and their children have had straight black hair because of the mix, well, I can certainly understand that! I love my hair and jealously protect it!!

2024-11-24    13:51:12 PM

This concept of "humbling myself" or "being humiliated" or "humble pie" has come up several times in my life from other people in the last few years. It was put on me about a year ago that I should humble myself by wearing something like an Oregon Ducks sweatshirt or hat. I just can't do that. It's not me at all. So, perhaps as a response to that, I wound up in this character assassination event in the summer where I was put in a situation that was certainly defined or intended to humilate me by putting me in a hospital, in a wheelchair, after walking without shoes with feet so torn up I could barely walk, with some kind of yellow plastic blanket, in a room full of people who appeared to just be there to play weird mind games on me. They didn't just appear to, they absolutely were there, about 50 of them, just to humilate me.

It was tough to go through that. I suppose you could call that humiliating. I guess I'm just now applying that word to that event in my life. I actually would have been at least as humiliated by just wearing an Oregon Ducks shirt. Perhaps what is closer to the truth is that I absolutely would have been humiliated by wearing the Ducks sweatshirt because that would have been my idea. The other event was forced on me, so, well, I don't know what anyone else thought of that. To me, it was like going to jail, or the mental hospital. Just something I had to go through in life that I had no choice about and was simply trying to get through it so I could get back to my work which is doing this writing, working on music, running for president, doing some math etc...

2024-11-24    09:08:58 AM

It just feels like a weird time to be alive. Generation Z? That's odd stuff. My space age ideas/theories lately. I'm sure one of them is true. Certainly oil will end. The gas lines in the 70's? I'm certainly not a normal politician in this thing. A mission to Mars? It's just odd stuff to realize that I am properly trained for all of this and then have my odd love life mixed in with it. It's just blinding virtual limelight.

And I'm also just thankful to have a nice moment of retirement for myself. Where I can work these political ideas in writing. Have enough freedom over my schedule, or at least the appearance of freedom, to feel like my day flows well between work activities. That I don't have to report directly to anyone.

2024-11-23    05:34:03 AM

2024-11-23    05:12:04 AM

do-zen eggs

2024-11-22    22:11:25 PM

If this is not about the end of oil, then I don't want to hear this crap from people. This society is fucked! At least here in America. This can't last. Why would I be tortured the way I have been if it isn't about the end of oil and the retirement of the human race? It's the only way I can make sense of what has happened to me.

2024-11-21    07:38:08 AM

It's like I am the King and the Queen of Harmony Road. I feel guity for not allowing someone in here. But is it me or you/them? I keep on asking, trying to have someone with me. It doesn't seem to work. It keeps coming back to me being a world respresentative.

2024-11-20    21:31:14 PM

It's like, I feel all this political pressure from the "unions". Teamwork. I get it. I really do understand how important all that is. But if oil is going to run out soon, and we will essentially not be able to drive cars, then these unions and this service economy/culture is not going to matter all that much.

It's just not very fair to have people homeless while other people are making a living walking dogs, doing nails, creating advertising, playing music in clubs for money. The phrase I have for that, and really just money, is that it is "arguably fair".

If we have to stop using gasoline like that, then it makes sense that I am the leader of that emerging culture. My life and training appears to be dedicated to that. Perhaps my life is just some joke though? I enjoy what I do. I'm very, very disoriented. Sometimes I think that I've been the only homeless person in the last 25 years. That isn't an exaggeration. Are people even using money anymore? I couldn't tell you. It seems like they are. I know I look at my bank balance. There are people in physical banks in my neighborhood. There are people delivering mail. There are cars moving around. There are some people building these apartment building structures. And there are a few people working on the roads and sewers. It's plain as day that every second of my physical environment is planned out to the second. I can't trust any of this input in my environment. You could even show me some big industrial thing and I would still question if it were made just for me, to deceive me. And I'm well seasoned at fighting paranoia. If there is good reason to not be paranoid, I'm searching for it and accepting it. My environment really is that weird. It doesn't appear that way. It looks pretty normal on the surface.

It's just excellent training. Massive training as far as I can tell. It seems unlikely that it was just for a joke. C:> zzz....

2024-11-20    20:33:50 PM

It's the typical evening frustration hour for me. The natural review of the day. Of the last months and years. Is any of this working? Are people trying to pile hate on me or is it tough love? What do others want me to do?

Almost everyone is in a position to wonder what others want them to do. Your boss. Your neighbors. Your family if you have family still alive.

Recalling hurtful words from a couple years ago of people accusing me of musical masturbation. All alone at home. It's like "welcome to our group." Perhaps he was just young? Or maybe he just didn't like me at all? In any case. I don't go there anymore and there are a lot of places like that.

Blues stuff. Feeling like calling "black" people out on their BS. I keep on coming to the conclusion that it is just their way. I know I have a punk side to me too. I like to think there is more cooperation than it sometimes appears. I'm essentially innocently optomistic like that. But at this time of day, it often wears me down a bit.

It's all social stuff on that level. I wonder which segment of society is really up on the science of the future of our humanity?

2024-11-20    09:36:46 AM

Perhaps the thing with me is that I have always felt confident in my masculinity. Part of that is essentially not "adopting" (I like using that word like that) any stereotypical masculine behavior. Although I still don't feel like my masculinity is "threatened", it mostly doesn't even exist now and I'm slightly on the feminine side of the range. Some people may define that and all of this as "gay". I'm very adamant about the importance of labels and stereotypes. Without them, we would lose our language and humanity. We are all more than the words/labels though. They are just abstractions like that and that is mostly what I studied and learned about in the Zen books that I read in the 1980's and 1990's.

2024-11-19    19:00:14 PM

Of course I was wrong with my post two days ago about the perspective math of the angle to the sun across timezones or with any angle. Perspective does exist of course and I spent a good deal of time working through that concept and math while I was on the streets in 2004.

It is just an angle measurement across a timezone or any span in one snapshot of time. I've been blaming my lack of full nights of sleep for errors like this and that is just as true as me simply being human working through problems day by day.

Hysterical laughter about my use of a Flowbee attached to an expensive Rainbow vacuum in the 1990's. It was a high quality device having those two together. It's certainly kind of funny too!

OK, going even deeper now....

The idea came up a few days ago that coffee is the seed on the Orchid plant and it is roasted in regular oil. The idea that Sting's lyric "Don't worry your pretty little Petrol Head!" Well, I don't know what others think of this or what my percentage of trust is in this possibility. I have reached a place of innocence where it just doesn't matter all that much to me. I still drink it and enjoy it as I always have.

I'm losing a lot of fear over things. I doubt that will change me much in my likes and dislikes. In how I want my daily routines to go. But it is changing something in me. It's a mystery how this will all play out. Whether it is a simple joke or space mission or something in between. I live my life as if I'll go to space. I continue doing what I've done. It's a good work. The good work of a writer at the very least. Computer programming is a writing gig.

2024-11-19    13:12:24 PM

My philosophy is that when you have learned to clear your mind of thoughts through a regular mediation practice, like I did in the 1990's, there is little need to continue that practice. It is a training in mindfulness that becomes a way of working. So work becomes a meditation practice.

I never took a meditation class. I learned all I know about it from reading a few pages in a Carlos Castaneda book while I was in music college. Well, I also learned one major trick while I was doing my practice. I could just write that out for you here and I'm sure I've blogged about it time and time again over the years. I'll skip that today, but you know, you'll see it here if you keep coming back. It's really basic stuff and you really don't even have to read about it to get the idea. It's just clearing your mind of all thoughts and not meditating "on" anything.

2024-11-19    12:12:47 PM

I had someone tell me a few weeks ago that the sun is getting bigger. What do you think?

What do you think the VLA does? I like checks and balances too. I usually get them in my male-box.

2024-11-18    20:08:25 PM

2024-11-18    20:00:34 PM

It's like, if people were knocking down my door saying that they are my fans and want to support me doing a tour doing my solo show, it would be very hard to turn that down. I'm a performer and could easily do that and be happy if true support and love were there.

That is absolutely not what I have right now. What I have is this crazy passive/aggressive weird underground world leader training (or whatever this is). It's completely amazing on so many levels. It's hard on me though because it is like a constant pulling back and forth on my emotions as if I'm in some kind of alternator. There is absolutely no one I can confide in on a personal level. I have two personal contacts in my phone. One of them I've never had a phone call with and only text. And the other one I unfortunately felt like I had to break off communication with because that was what was needed professionally on my end.

It's just a hard thing to navigate. It's unlikely that normal rock stars had anything remotely similar to this going on. Sure, there may be others like me, but this is very odd and I wouldn't be surprised if I am the only one. I've been listening to Alanis Morissette's Thank U over and over for a month or more. It's like she totally wrote that for me. And there are some lyrics in Front Row that also hook into me. That line "All of which could have easily been defeated." That was written decades ago and it seems as if she was totally writing about what is happening to me right now. It's incredibly romantic and freaky at the same time.

2024-11-18    15:28:22 PM

I read on Wikipedia that the sun is 149,600,000km away which is one AU (Astronomical Unit). So, the number 2 in this calculation represents two "sites" which are telescopes or fancy compass devices that are 2km apart. I then used the law of sines and started guessing a small fraction of a degree to see how small of an angle is needed to compute this. The answer is that the degree of acuracy is 33 millionths of a degree at 2km apart.

2024-11-18    04:32:05 AM

This idea of the Earth trading places with the moon is a big development for me. I've certainly had the idea of moon crashing into the Earth for decades, but that it would actually trade places without a collision. The one picture in my bedroom with Cynthia was a painting of a desert valley. High cliff walls on either side. A small stream in the middle. A person with a huge dandilion bloom held up above him like an umbrella, reaching for the sky. And then the water from the stream in the distance going straight up in the air. Even when I was with her, I had the feeling that she had been married to Sting. It's become more obvious to me lately just how special she was/is. Patty too. Her last name was the last name of one of our presidents.

The math I crunched the other day from the Wikipedia information on how far the sun is from us seemed to have checked out. But the reality is that you could use those same numbers with the moon and come up with the same answer. Without going to space, you would not know using that method. When I was going to sleep last night, I was thinking about measuring from two "sites" on Earth that are a timezone apart. The sun would obviously be in a different position in the sky. That's the first time I had thought of such a reality and then I realized that no matter how small the distance is, that reality exists all the time. It's not just a property of the sun or the planets. It's a property of perspective as far as I understand. How much time am I going to devote to thinking about that in the coming week?

2024-11-17    21:20:36 PM

This idea came up while I was cooking dinner this evening: "No, your life story is very unique. It has allowed you to see a reality that most people do not see."

2024-11-17    18:36:54 PM

I like this one: http://dottrombone.com.cn/

2024-11-17    15:51:06 PM

I get the feeling that there are 3 main things going on with my personal life and how it got all mixed up with my politics:

1. The recovery community thinks I'm arrogant for saying that I'm "recovered" when they see me as still using transgender medications and see it as killing myself or suicidal.



2. People think that my transgender example to young people is dangerous because it is anti-traditional values to the point of harming reproductive rates.



3. People see me as arrogant for declaring myself as a Zen guru instead of a Zen master or Buddhist.



The next part of the math homework is coming along here folks! I'm excilted about crunching these numbers. It's going to be an extremely small angle using two sites on Earth that are one kilometer apart forming a triangle to the Sun. That's all that we had until we went to space. There is a lot of crazy stuff to consider and I'm still leaning heavily to the idea that there is absolutely no way to tell how far any of the stars are away. My hunch is that the astronomy that is commonly talked about in our culture is mostly a fiction. It seems obvious to me now, but perhaps it is quite complex. I certainly need to do some more thinking about it and running some math and angles. I'm going to be sharing this work in the next few weeks here. I feel some weird passive/aggressive pressure to "play" or create more music. I'm trying to take the lead here and do what is really important and this math study is one of the top things at the moment. It matters to me at least and I'm spending some of my life savings to do this work because no one buys my books or donates to my politics.

2024-11-16    17:34:53 PM

2024-11-16    17:07:43 PM

This "design pattern" that I've been noticing with my music studio setups over the last 25+ years. If you have a good selection of gear, or exactly the right stuff like I do now, then I've found myself going through these phases of setup->good productivity->declining productivity->frustration->tear down->cleaning->slighly different setup->repeat. I've gotten better over the years at wiping the cords down when I do the tear down. I did a new setup today. My system is fairly small compared to other systems I've had and it didn't change a whole lot this time, but it is slightly better. I also did some work on my budget to align some food and clothing desires and needs with the budget so I can be more realistic with what I'll need to do in the next year. I believe in these budgets and business plan lists.

2024-11-16    09:14:32 AM

This is a Show Your Work type of high school assignment I've got going today. Just keep in mind that this is to be continued on the next post!

Well, I'm going to run a basic calculation here to come up with an estimate of how small the angle to the sun from Earth is. I've got a cup of coffee here. I'm going to the bathroom now. I've been sitting on the toilet instead of standing for seven or eight years now.

Wikipedia says the sun is one Astronomical Unit away at 149,600,000km.

The Windows calculator gave me some kind of scientific notation that I don't understand for the sine of some very small number. I could have multiplied it by a few thousand, round it and then move it back into the decimal space. Instead I pulled up my calctastic app on my Android phone and plugged in the sin(.001 * dg [ this is my notation that I'm using degrees and not radians ]) * 149,600,000. The answer came up as 2,611.012. So that would be the radius of the sun that we are computing and I know enough to know, both from internet information and my personal experience with driving around the planet, that Earth's radius is bigger than that, so I'm going to add a lot more zeros to this next.

OK, well, I'm wrong on that. The numbers are getting smaller of course, so I'll plug in a bigger number for the angle. I came up with sin(.01 * dg) * 149,600,000 = 26,110. Wikipedia says the sun has a radius that is 109 times that of Earth (if I'm reading their numbers correctly). I know, from research a decade ago, that the radius of the Earth is about 8,000 miles. The internet says that a mile is 1.6km, so that comes to 12,800km for the radius of Earth.

According to that, the radius of the sun is 109 x 12,800 = 1,395,200km. So, my next calculation is the atan((1,395,200 / 149,600,000) * dg) = .534 degrees. It seems reasonable that we could be accurate enough to measure that. It's certainly a small number. Can we trust it?

We know we can do the same thing with the moon and come up with the same answer. Without going there, we simply wouldn't know, would we? Of course we see features on the moon, so we assume it is much closer. I'm going to try this with a smaller version of pi to compare.

Well, that's the problem I suppose. I believe in the general accuracy of pi, although I have not measured it past 3.1. I have not yet been able to discover the trigonometric algorithm, so I have no way to use a smaller number for pi. The trigonometric algorithm is locked inside of this phone. I still suspect that it is simply a lookup table. I'm sure the lookup table in the trig books that I do not have anymore have measurments for one degree.

We are also trusting the radius of the sun or the distance to the sun. Without those, we are stuck with measurments on Earth or by using space travel which is definitely where my mind has been the last month or two. It comes back to the theory of mine, that seems obvious, that the sun is doing nothing but getting smaller, at least atomically. If we do think that it is getting smaller and it appears to not change size, then we are either getting closer or it is so big that such a difference can't be measured. Or the big problem is both of those at the same time. It's obvious the sun is radiating in all directions, so it is losing quite a bit of mass constantly.

The next computation to do is to compute the angle from Earth using a one km distance between sites. I'm going to rest in the bedroom for a moment.

I had a good rest. It seems that this .56 degrees thing makes sense. The same measurement works with the moon though if you couldn't leave the Earth, so I don't have much trust in it yet. The next step is to calculate an angle between two sites on Earth a kilometer apart. That angle is going to be very small. It also brings up the question of how far away from the sun we were a million, or even a billion years ago. And how long it's been since we have been able to leave the planet to get any really good measurements. The last few days I've been envisioning people hundreds of years ago drawing a circle with a grid behind it and doing some counting. Like a really big circle. More math tomorrow or this evening. I'm looking and feeling fabulous in my new dress. It's fall and I hear leaf blowers.

Mystic Rhythms

Trumpet Drums

2024-11-15    19:22:02 PM

I'm a little freaked out at the idea this evening that gravity is more electrical with the spinning of our planet than the attraction of mass. I'm not sure that is directly related to the idea that the sun is trying to pull us back in as some kind of a recycling effort.

2024-11-15    19:13:31 PM

Here is the mostly complete breakdown of the costs of my personal possessions:

Music and Computer Gear: $2,323.08 (not including cables/wires)
Kitchen Equipment: $1,100.05
Futon Bed/Couch: $1,455 (I splurged on something fancy. This is my only furniture.)
Clothing: $1,134.59 (A couple other small items mixed in with this. I essentially had no clothing before these purchases.)
A Bicycle: $336.95 (Most people have some form of transportation or pay for transportation.)

Total: $6,349.67 (Probably closer to $7,000 with odds and ends that didn't get totaled, but most of it is on this list.)

2024-11-14    19:31:00 PM

2024-11-14    19:26:20 PM

I have no idea about these social politics at all. To me, it's just some kind of racial/cultural battlezone out there and I find myself looking at the stars and elements and wonder if the solar system is going to step up and give us a lesson.

It was probably done on purpose, but I'm so disgusted with humanity that leaving the Earth and never hitting a planet sounds pretty good to me. The main downside is not having enough gravity to have enough resistance to play good music. It might be an interesting challenge to work with though. I have a list of 6 or so people who would be interesting to do the space mission with. I'm sure it isn't a gig that you just jump into lightly, so I'm kind of powerless over that.

There is definitely a retirement feeling going on in me too. Because of the rest of this stuff, I can't fully sink into it.

2024-11-13    13:12:28 PM

2024-11-12    07:51:18 AM

2024-11-11    17:15:07 PM

Probably because of the post election time right now, the Mars mission is on my mind. I've been watching 2010 over and over for the last week. The scene with his wife and child where he says that he is going on a long trip. I suppose it is ideal that I am not attached to anyone. Dealing with the existential fear of leaving the planet and never returning. And the possibility of leaving the planet and never returning to a planet. I'm still skeptical as to how well wireless communication works out there. The idea that we use telescopes to view computer monitors through space is a huge idea for me. It's like, sure, we can see the stars, but they are sending a lot of energy out. To send out enough energy to make it that distance and then deal with our atmosphere and compete with our sun seems like it would be difficult.

2024-11-11    12:14:47 PM

2024-11-11    12:13:14 PM

So, the idea here is that (4 - Math.pi) / 4 = (the number of squares on the outside of one corner of the circle with the grid) / (the grid's radius * the grid's radius [ r² ])

2024-11-10    16:54:38 PM

I wonder if people are upset about the election results? Things seem pretty sober on the streets today and that felt pretty good to me. Perhaps people are a little scared? I know I'm a little scared about being launched into space and never returning to Earth. Worried about my strong words coming back and people doing violence to me. Not overly paranoid about it, but you know, it seemed like a lot of the national politics was revolving around me this year and the space thing is very real in my world.

I'm still hanging onto my transgender identity. I simply see myself as an innocent transwoman. I like my writing the other day about paranoia. I'm highly experienced in that. I had to connect to the internet this afternoon for Amazon Prime Video to call home to check the DRM on one of the two movies I bought. I have to back off on my online communication for a bit or I'll have to buy some more time. I've been active online, so going a little slower for a bit is probably what I'll do. I feel a lot of pointed words against me, but I keep on hanging onto the idea that I'm completely innocent in this thing. Innocence untarnished is what I am. I'm simply not street smart in that way.

I think we are going into a big change. I am betting my life on it. I could be wrong about the timing. And some of the details, but I believe the changes I'm suggesting are inevitable. And I've been put into some weird professional position in life that makes it likely that the changes I'm suggesting are actually going to happen soon. I'm curious.

2024-11-10    15:50:07 PM

Mystery Science Theater 4 w/music

2024-11-10    07:36:27 AM

I get it. Those tattoos are just some laser thing, right? Like an embroidery machine. I bet a coder had fun making that.

2024-11-10    07:30:10 AM

I'm grateful for this transgender experience. And music of course. The ideas this morning that perhaps my life story is just some weird alcoholic story. Or it being a transition to a different political reality like I have been talking about. The space race and all of that. I really don't know which it is. It really doesn't matter to me personally. I think the space ideas are inevitable though. It would be amazing to be alive when those changes take place.

I still feel completely innocent in the thing of my personal life. The thing I want the most, is the interplanetary thing. Book sales is important to me. Unless we are just going into a radical economy where money doesn't matter or I'm told from someone that we haven't used money in many years, book sales would be nice. A good way to pay me for my music, apps, writing. All of that.

True fans visiting me or writing me emails would be fun. Younger people hopefully. I know all of my favorite musicians are 20 years older than me. It would be fun for people in their 20's to contact me. Even more fun for them to contact me on the moon. Mars, if it exists, is an amazing idea.

2024-11-10    00:12:45 AM

I just awoke to the idea of coffee being orchid flower seeds. Perhaps they are hand picked or machine picked. The idea the I'm so special that I'm one of very few people drinking coffee has been on my mind for quite a while now. If they did that, they probably have no problem with continuing it. Who knows?

I've coded a function/method/routine/algorithm to handle clicks on this grid behind the red circle. The idea is to flip the color of the squares to make counting easier. It's coded and should be working, but it isn't. I'm sure I'll look at it again because that is part of my job. I'd like to extend that and put a counter on each click and also a computation on each click. Of course the idea is to not fully trust it, so I'll take paper notes too just to make sure I'm not getting tricked like I suspect I am with the code itself. We'll see.

2024-11-09    20:24:54 PM

I don't know if this was uncommon or not. My dad's story is that he learned wireless communications in the US Navy in the late 1950's. He showed me a piece of fiber optics in the late 70's and explained that what you see on one end is what you see on the other end, even when you tie a knot in it. With a wire, you are sending one line of information. With fiber optics, you get a "picture" much like a computer screen. You could think of each pixel as a black and white binary information. You are likely only limited by the frame rate of how often you can interpret the image. Programming takes time to execute, so that can be a limiting factor on the frame rate itself.

I've been thinking of our video conferencing lately as the images going straight through one of the many wires in the fiber optic line and essentially not being processed. Or perhaps your signal gets one frame and your neighbor's signal gets the next frame and then you alternate. In some ways, it is more like a radio signal that way.

I feel a lot of anti-technology vibes in my social circles. It may be the only thing extending our lives in the future. I still think it may allow us to jump planets.

2024-11-09    04:44:29 AM

What would happen if we ran a wire from the north pole to the south pole? Is that fusion? Is the moon spinning yet? Maybe I'm just a little disoriented?

2024-11-08    08:19:56 AM

Being sent to another planet. Waiting for some big change? The status quo?

I woke up realizing that some people, like people who build things, really need the physical materials just as much as their tools. It can seem like musicians need a lot of gear and yes, we are dependent on that, but all in all, we are getting great value for what we spend on gear. Sure, I could call it good with one $300 guitar for my whole life. Or a $10 whistle.

2024-11-07    23:44:24 PM

Are you so sure about what you know? I'm certainly here to remind everyone that we all grew up in the space age. I'm quite convinced that there are some "walled" countries that may be centuries ahead of us without us knowing what they are really about. Just consider what these cell phones do and, especially if you are older and in the US, think of how it was when you were young and try to imagine the technology we have now being centuries old. What exactly were they doing out in the Eastern world a century ago?

2024-11-07    21:13:28 PM

2024-11-07    13:09:57 PM

My experience in church have been almost entirely empty. Perhaps I'm special? I have experienced this baptism idea. And I've experienced it with some strange physical sensations. These cell phones obviously work. My mind is not operating the screen on that phone. It works.

2024-11-07    04:20:03 AM

2024-11-07    03:27:59 AM

My environment is so controlled that my emotions are easily controlled as well. I'm sure it takes a lot of people to pull this kind of thing off, but ultimately there are just a few people I have this direct/indirect contact with. It's a good bet that we have run out of something on Earth.

2024-11-06    05:34:46 AM

I've always enjoyed Windows computers and I'm getting to the point this morning that I am in full support of them. As a programmer, I'm just able to do so many nice things with them. Artistic things. I remember the times before computers. We just had TV. We didn't even have cable TV. There were about 5 channels. You could just consume things there. I consummed a lot of cable TV from that late 70's through the 80's. Since then, I've seen a couple shows and I've bought most of the movies that I enjoyed from that 80's era. And a few other movies since then.

I've got 2010 on the monitor on my left without audio. I have my new utlra-wide splash screen in my DT Picture Viewer above it at the full width of the screen with the Best Fit button double clicked. I love over at the monitor and I see love. On this monitor, I have a file browser and my blog utility program. I added a button this morning to VIEW Production. The last few days, I've been wanting to use my tool as the main way I do my posting and managing of my website and this View Production button helps me with that. It looks like the next step is to figure out how to open production in FlashDevlop_Rachels_Edition.

I can be pretty clueless about things. All these titles I've been claiming this year, especially the innocence is something I'm hanging onto. I really feel innocence untarnished from this. I have felt some ego deflation I suppose. It's just stuff forced upon me. No one talks to me directly. This is obviously my gig, my job, and it is totally mixed up with my personal life. I am a prisoner like that and I guess there is no way out of that. I suppose I can be granted a release. I guess I am scared of that.

I'm enjoying the sound of my Cherry keyboard right now. This room sounds great with this microphone and setup. The gear is a little junky looking, but this is working great and I see no reason to change. If there is a planet out there called Mars, you'd think they'd sent me there. Perhaps I am waiting for a launch window? I don't know how many times I have felt that way before. Perhaps one of these times it will happen. I see no harm in living like it will actually happen one day.

I guess this election is over now. Not sure when I will check the results. Perhaps sometimes today. I'm just really disconnected. I don't even know how to access anything real on the internet anymore. It's obvious I've made some kind of impact. Perhaps I've been well known for decades. I have no idea.

2024-11-06    05:07:41 AM

I've been saying for many, many years that I operate in a vacuum. Really, no one tells me anything directly and I'm certainly in a position to not trust most things.

I am still hanging onto the idea that oil is simply a substance underground. The carbon cycle essentially. It makes sense that it goes up to the moon. It makes sense that the planet is fairly old. If we stop burning it, it makes sense that weather patterns would slow down. And the idea of the planet grinding to a halt.

2024-11-05    07:52:42 AM

2024-11-03    11:29:29 AM

In my mind/life, the fact that I honestly did a search this morning for "Do people really go to the Crystal Ballroom?" points out just how innocent I am. I simply do not and have not desired to go there because things are so exciting to me when I am typing some silly little utility program, doing the dishes, using the word "lovely" and the list goes on and on.

2024-11-02    18:09:23 PM

I'm getting the feeling today that the moment when Cynthia and I flew to Texas and the problem with the laundry before our trip was that she used warm/hot water instead of the cold water that I usually use. Perhaps I was using some warm/hot water years ago. Not sure about all of that, but I've been using cold water for quite some time with free & clear detergent and it seems to be working fine for my lifestyle. My armpits and clothes around them may be a little smelly, but I don't use any fragrences or deorderants and the odor seems to be fairly mild. They say the Europeans use cold water. That makes sense to me, but as you should know by know, I do operate in a vacuum.

2024-11-01    19:56:46 PM

2024-11-01    06:56:59 AM

Being born in 1971, I recall starting to use variables in my math in school in about the 4^th grade. It felt like I was purposely held back in math in middle school. There was certainly oddness with dating in middle school. The dances and all that which I never attended or really had much desire to. I took to music quickly and that filled the void. I don't remember what year it was. Probably 7^th grade, but there was one heartache which I managed to get over in the summer. I essentially told myself that life was worth hanging on to experience even if I did not have success with women.

But in middle school math, I learned the best lesson of cross multiplying and dividing a/b = c/d.

In high school, I started with Algebra I which by that time I waS SO good at that I I did 2 weeks of homework over the weekend and then took the next 9 days off from going to class and then showed up for the test which I aced and then got another two weeks of assignments. That went on for the next two years, I I got about 4 or 5 A's for band and one for math.

It allowed me time to practice, eat chocolate chip cookies and play poke-er which we had those two 3 card games 69 and manditory. The band room also had some nice couches and the adjoining choir room loft had some nice furniture too. We also enjoyed going on some adventures crawling around the top of the school where the janitors also had some nice couches.

So, back to the story of math....

ILt kept up with Algebra III my junior year and then I went to treatment for marijuana addiction that winter. That messed up my school schedule with me missing a lot of class, but I got much more popular with the women. I ended up flunking the last semester of Algebra three because I missed the class on how to multiply a "matrix".

My senior year, 1988 and 1989, where some of the best years of my life. I really was amazing when I showed up for school that fall and Marge and I seemed to be magnetically attracted. She was amazing with a punky soccer kind of look to her and then she became absolutely amazing within a year with longer hair. I missed a lot of class at the end of my senior year and again flunked Algebra III because I was touring Europe with the Portland Youth Philharmonic and missed the class for how to multiply a "matrix". I couldn't make heads or tails of it in the book.

I've run into these "matrix transformations" in my professional work the last couple decades, but I've always had some doubt of how they worked. It seems to be some kind of pattern for linear algebra. I'm convinced that this "slope intersect form" that I used to make a video pinball maching in 2013 holds the key to linear algebra and all higher math.

It seems that the most important lessons in grades 1-12 math are:

1. a/b = c/d - Cross multiple and divide.
2. The use of parenthesis.

Will I ever lead a generation? Did I lead generation Y? If so, did I do a good job? It seems amazing to think that people followed me on this 25 year blogging adventure. I sure did post a lot of stuff during that period of history.

2024-10-31    16:37:36 PM

I've seen a lot of people who apparently went through some serious hard times to make all this happen. Sometimes I forget that I am one of them.

The grandmother of fusion. Yet another nickname. I hope this lasts a while.

2024-10-31    16:29:42 PM

I've seen a lot of people who apparently went through some serious hard times to make all this happen. Sometimes I forget that I am one of them.

2024-10-31    16:18:41 PM

I'm just in such a vulnerable feeling position. What I've done in the last day. The last week. The last month. It's been. The love/hate about how I do this. Thank U. Laughing again. Had a wonderful visitor for 7 seconds and then a funny stinger.

Hehe. It's got to be the moon coming down on us. That's the only thing that would cause people to do this to/with me. I wrote this lovely waltz for a nice Russian lady, uh, when was that? Probably 2016? No, 2019? No, 2027? Well, it's nice and slow anyway. I remember the chords. Cmaj7 ?? Cmaj7 Gmaj7! Well, let me see hear... I want to say Emin7. Or E-7. It wasn't Emaj7. Or Ebmaj7. It's always a process of elimination. Some people call it sudden death.

This is the scene early in the movie with the bathrobe, right? I believe I'm waiting for....

2024-10-31    00:59:04 AM

2024-10-29    17:29:52 PM

Perhaps the thing going on with me is that for whatever reason, my breath smells really bad and that is why people treat me the way they do. I wrote a letter to my doctor about it this morning. We'll see if she has anything constructive to say. I know how bad it is to be around people who smell bad. I simply have not realized that it was a problem with me. If someone does want to be around me, a cute young lady like I describe and it truely either doesn't bother her or there is some reasonable fix for it, then you know, that could work. If it is a major problem with no good fix, then being this lonely transwoman at home all day, every day, is a great reality for me. I certainly desire that almost as much as being with this wonderful lady I describe.

If that is what is going on, or a big piece of it, then I'd appreciate it if people really didn't want me in the grocery stores to just allow me to have my food delivered once every two weeks. And of course book sales would be good. If it is a trucking thing, well, I'm still working that angle. Perhaps it is a bad enough problem that I shouldn't go to meetings. I guess I'll just stay away until my doctor responds.

It feels grounding in the moment to think that it was the whole point of my journey, this smell thing. I don't understand that at all, but if that is all it is, then resolution seems pretty easy. I guess I'll just add that note on the dating site and see where that goes. Of course I do not hope that we have to shut off the oil/gas now. It just makes sense to me that it has to happen sometime and this society has gotten totally ridiculous in my opinion. All the space age theories. It's been an incredible journey. Hopefully it continues in a way that I can accept.

My plan is to check ballotpedia after the election to see if I made any showing. If I didn't, then I'll proceed to get my driver license. I'll publish the contents of this website and the old one as a new book on Kindle and see if I get any $10 sales. I do not have access to my old Kindle account and really don't want to get involved in getting any of that back.

The last couple years have been intense and exciting. A lot of exciting work has come from me. My favorite part was the mix of acoustic piano and the electric piano. Bass is fun now too. Singing has been great. I keep doing my thing. If I have to truck for a living, I'll do my best to do enough to be of service and keep my good lifestyle. I'm limited like everyone else. A limited Zen Guru, transwoman, recovered alcoholic, multi-instrumentalist musician and composer. Software engineer and architect. My work life is fabulous and I enjoy staying busy. Mostly from home. I need 4,000 book sales a year to make my lifestyle work. I think you'd be getting a bargain and it sure would be a big help to me. Anything else is a serious bonus. I may never even get a trombone again. I have a $10 whistle coming though. I'll keep it to a minimum. I know it is extremely loud.

Not to discount Nora, Collie and Andy. Heather, Michelle, Emily. This list just goes on and on. I'm drawn to my piano and keyboard thing because it is my music. I especially enjoyed just listneing to Nora and Collie in my house. Incredible. I dont' want to copy them. I don't want to play with them. It's amazing being with them. Grateful to Andy and Collie for sparking my drum thing. They almost instantaneosly took my drumming to a new level and that has been wonderful. I don't have good recordings of it yet. I'm working on it. I had fun playing drums a few minutes ago. Amazing! Loved it. Love them.

2024-10-29    14:05:12 PM

2024-10-29    07:52:45 AM

I just ran my end of month budget report. This was the first complete month in my new living situation, so I'm able to get a good monthly budget from it. $2,200 is likely going to be my monthly spending going forward. Here is my new budget breakdown based on October 2024 spending that will be repeated every month including a little bit for clothing:

Rent: $1,400 - 775sqft apartment + water + sewer + trash
Groceries: $319 - $20 extra spending to try out different olive oils that are mostly unused (some months it's bulk grains)
Electric: $26.95 - Partial month and I'm starting to use the heater in the bedroom
Dining and Fast Food: $123 - 3 meals this month. One was quite fancy.
Healthcare: $99 - Just my transgender stuff. It's going up a little. VA insurance is there in case I have an emergency. I'm extremely fit at the moment.
Transportation: 0 - I'm tired of the bus. I'm buying a bicycle in case I need to leave the neighborhood and I don't feel like walking
Clothing: $17.98 - Nice coat and a bathroom scale. $20/month seems reasonable. I've got a good 14 day supply of clothing here.
Business Expenses: $50 - I own two businesses.
Phone & Internet: $71 - I own two businesses. I communicate with Delcina, post my website stuff, read coding documentation, buy something on Amazon if the need arises (it shouldn't much now). I downloaded a movie this month.

Total: $2,035.93 (not including discretionary(?) phone, if I was retired and had a solid group of young friends, I may not need it, they may bring me a movie once in a while and upload my songs and writing)
Net Yearly Income Needed for this 775sqft apartment lifestyle: $24,431
Gross Yearly Income Needed (30% tax rate): $31,760

You could make the argument that it is radically better than my old house. My best income year in the house was $71,000 before that huge increase the last 18 months. There were many $30,000 and $40,000 Gross Income years and I was still managing to hang on without ever being late on a bill. Normal expenses there were more in the $3,500-$4,000 range, but when I sold the house, I had $50,000 in my pocket and minimal debt. When I bought the house I had fairly massive debt, so if you reconcile that, the house wasn't all that different.

I had a blast playing my Just Friends trascription on the bass the other day. I used my phone to read it because my memory of it and bass skills weren't good enough. I'm sure I'll have it down quickly though. I'm going to get the other monitor out of the closet and tile 4 PDF files across my screen so I don't have to flip pages. I spent $1.05 printing some manuscript at FedEx Office yesterday. 5 sheets. She taught me how the printer works, so I'm good to go there. The staff lines are a little too close to each other, so I'll rent their computer for about $10 to use Adobe software to make my own like I did 20 years ago. You just make a selection of one or two pixels across the screen and fill it in. Then copy and paste that layer 5 times. Flatten the image and copy and paste again 8 times. I could write my own software to do that. It's in my Q of entertainment projects.

2024-10-27    04:39:36 AM

The idea came up again of chefs and musicians moving through the homes of people in our cities. Staying a day or two. Really getting to know the people there. It's hard for me to even think that club scenes exist.

The thought came to my mind for the first time the other day that people work really hard to create all this housing and everything else and expect musicians to perform for them on their terms. And other thoughts of how much love people put into making restaurants nice places. Thinking of how much chef's enjoy their art. Lots of people out there and different ways to do things. I'm just super intimate and these public places are too much for me. Always have been.

2024-10-26    18:28:29 PM

2024-10-26    18:09:18 PM

Subject: Paranoia

Commonly, paranoia is known as a feeling/thought of "people are out to get me." It's a fear thing about our doom and lack of control over the situation.

It has been very common throughout my life for citizens in America to want to fight communism. The old idea I've heard most of my life about "Buy American". The general feeling from the people in the communities I've lived in is that China is "price gouging" so that they can be the manufactures and "get all the money", leaving us with less quality jobs, a weaker economy, etc...

Being a self-declared Zen guru and long time Zen practitioner, I've been coming up with some alternate views of this lately. Just the fact that people in our society are refered to as sit-tea-zens is some evidence as to China being directly involved with the formation of our language. I've observed many other odd things like that in my environment lately. I've had working relationships with many engineers who have worked in China (I have not been there personally). They talk about how strict and organized their work methods are and how that leads to a lack of innovation in a reasearch and development environment. I'm getting to the point where I have some doubt as to how bad that lack of innovation really is. I'm very confident, through the way I practice Zen and work on my music and programming, that I likely have a mindset for production that is much more like Asians than Americans.

Not that Americans are bad producers at all. We've got some terrible productivity problems in our country, but we've also got a lot of brilliant and hard working people here.

My hunch about the whole thing is that China and the eastern part of the world, is doing this production intentionally as a gift to the world, not as a paranoid "out to get us" thing. If my theories of oil production going from HIGH gear to LOW gear permanently is correct, then what we have seen is all this high production from these Asian countries combined with the global distribution network that filled the world with products. Many, many garages throughout our country and likely the whole world, are filled with high quality miter saws. If your home was anything like my home was this last decade, I had bought enough stuff on Amazon to last me multiple lifetimes.

In short, I'm essentially not paranoid about China. I think that widespread personal transportation, product manufacturing and essentially globalism is bound to come to a close soon. Because of that, I tend to agree with Mr. Trump's ideas of building more factories here and putting some hard limits on immigration. (I'm hearing an emergency vehicle go down my street now.) I don't think the factory building thing is an effort to become as productive as China and other eastern countries have been. I see it as more of a continued maintenance operation.

Does that mean I'm endorsing Trump? I'm technically running against him right now. I've always identified with being politically moderate. I'm not one of these political party people. I'm a leader. I read Trump's rather short platform PDF and Kamala Harris' longer platform PDF yesterday. Kamala is certainly doing the traditional Democratic platform thing of calling for a strong middle class backed by unions. I read her accuse Trump and/or the Republican party of wanting to direct more money to big business rather than "giving" it to the middle class people. All that is typical political party stuff that leans heavily on money and productivity.

I'm the self-declared whistleblower candidate with the last name of Rand which is the name of the currency in other countries. If I got elected, I'd be quite literally known as President Dollar in some countries. Not to discount Vice-President Kamala Harris in any way, but there is this thing with our names of biding time, trump and president dollar going on. If it comes down to me flicking the switch to reverse the direction of our oil based economy, it would essentially be putting the human race into retirement.

Is that a democratic decision?

It's weird, but I started dealing with the idea of this happening in my life 21 years ago. Most of the time it's not at the front of my mind, but these ideas have a way of coming back. Looking at the silly keychain on my floor which shows "I love (flash) memory". Remembering that episode with Jack Bauer and that security guard dying on the floor: "Do you have memory sticks?" Getting a good laugh out of that now. I can almost hear the circuits glowing.

Oh yeah, I remember what I was going to close this with now :-)

I can and have come up with theories that we shouldn't do that now. I guess that puts a somber mood to the whole thing in this moment. The idea of us, the human race, doing that is some kind of solar system event. A planetary event. These communication devices in everybody's hand thoughout the world saying this is what we are going to do and then it happening straight away.

There was this lovely picture of Donald Trump and Kamala Devi Harris on a banner at the bottom of my phone screen last night. Good looks on both of their faces. I got a good feeling from it/them.

Where does this leave me???? Well, I hope that it leaves me in this teacher position of some techniques of ways to enjoy a drawdown society. It's a little scary, but you know. Most people look forward to retirement. I think the unifying event will be profound and it should be interesting to see the lasting effect of it.

2024-10-26    16:52:02 PM

Observation:    In 1995, at my home about 7 miles north of Millington TN which is about 30 miles north of downtown Memphis, I witnessed a meteor shower. It was fairly dark out there on that country road next to the soybean field. There were 3 or 4 of us that evening and I recall seeing about one object like a shooting star at a frequency of one minute for perhaps 10 or 15 minutes. I also saw one larger object. It was low enough to actually see some detail and it looked like it had a porous surface. It was certainly less than a mile over our heads.

Analysis and Theories:    It could have easily been fabricated. The Navy base there was an airbase training school back then. Now it is home of the Bureau of Navy Personel. It could have been the reminence of a spacecraft and perhaps that spacecraft or airplane jetisoned some kind of rock. It's possible that all meteor showers are planned events like that. Not to be overly paraniod, but it would be hard to prove either way.

Observation:    While I was walking in heels on I-90 with no money and just the possesions I could carry with me in my coat in the summer of 2024 during my character assassination event, I saw a military plane fly straight up into the sky until you really could not see it anymore.

Analysis and Theories:    It brings back memories of playing a Blue Angles show in 1995 with our Navy Band Sternwheel Drive big band in North Dakota. Tony Crawford (our excellent guitarist from Texarkana), gave me his walkman with Van Halen's Dreams song and I laid back on the window of our gear truck and enjoyed listening to that and watching the show. In the summer of 2023, I was at a coffee shop with my transcriber app on a tablet and I had that song playing and I was performing pennywhistle to it. It was a lot of fun and then I doubled the speed and octave of the recording and had fun playing with that as well. Very catchy melody in the key of C. Many other events like this in my life too, so that makes me think that most anything can be faked in my environment and be completely about me.

Observation:    Most people I encounter in the PNW are anti-military, are strongly against the wars in Ukraine and Isreal/Palestine. People in the middle of the USA and the south are generally strong supporters of our military. I get downright hostile reactions from people when I voice my opinion that it would be difficult to prove that those wars are actually going on and ask them what their evidence is.

Analysis and Theories:    On most levels, war of humans against humans is absolutely absurd. I wouldn't say that the military is though. A theory I had come up with in the spring suggested that there may be a scenerio where we would actually need to bomb a good deal of our bridges and other structures. You never know what is going to happen is what I'm suggesting. We do so many big things, that we might as well have the capability to do things like that if we need to. Sure, it's easy to not trust the government. The world seems incredibly odd in some ways. [ This is a tough subject. Just mentioning it is terrible and that is why it is so taboo. It's a thing and part of politics and the world. ]

Observation:    In about 2015, I used a star mapping app on my iPad on a clear night in my neighborhood to observe what it was telling me was some planets. Dots in the sky that don't look the same as white flickering stars. I observed 2 or three of them in a line. It was convincingly pointing to the idea that they are in the plane of our solar system.

Analysis and Theories:    I was born in 1971. I was essentially born in "the space age". We've all seen drones. It's conceivable that it could have been faked just like is suggested at the tail at the end of the movie Contact.

2024-10-26    08:37:51 AM

I've had talks with doctors who have brought up that the hormone therapy that I'm taking is not birth control. It's a good point. What I am on has significantly reduced my sex drive and has reduced the volume and quality of my liquids. I think condoms are one of the best methods. Combined with the HRT I'm on, it seems like a great combination.

2024-10-26    08:32:12 AM

2024-10-25    21:01:04 PM

I know it's odd mixing so much personal stuff in with my federal political campaign(s). My platform leans heavily on the theory that the world's oil consumption may have to decrease to a much lower level if/when I get elected. Civil population decline is a huge part of that and it's an extremely complicated issue because it goes against the basic need of life to replicate.

I posted a few days ago about the experiments the last four generations has gone through with birth control. Almost everyone alive is in these generations now. I've been personally exposed to many of these techniques, including what I'm personally going through with the hormone therapy I'm taking.

2024-10-24    17:37:10 PM

Q: You're a presidential candidate with no campaign staff and no followers?

A: Yes. No known followers at least.

Q: Wouldn't it make sense to do some door to door campaigning?

A: Well, it worked so well in 2014 that I'm a little scared to repeat the experiment. Instead, I've been spending the day laughing at the ridiculousness of it all and take another crack at learning Billy Joel's My Life. Remembering reading the book a couple decades ago about that day to day schedule stuff. I'm still having a hard time remembering these lyrics when I'm playing an instrument with them, but the notes of the melody are very catchy, so I've spent several hours, maybe 4 hours or so playing around with this song. I did it a couple weeks ago. Who knows, it could come in handy....

I got stuck on that last line of the protocol deserializer. I wrote all this cool code and it probably works great, but I just didn't have it in me to write that last complicated line. I'm sure it will get done in the next day or two. That's reminding me of a Gene Wilder line from Willy Wonka. That movie came out the year I was born. I learned to play and sing most of the songs from that a few years ago. Cheer up Charlie is my favorite. I'm just kind of sappy like that.....

Now my mind went into trivia mode and I was trying to remember the actor who played Charlie. I remembered that his last name started with an "O", but I knew it was odd enough that I would likely not remember it quickly. Every few years I find myself researching him. Isn't he the one who became a veterinarian in adult life? I just looked his name up on Wikipedia and he's Peter Ostrum. I didn't dig into his page, but I have high confidence that my memory is correct about him being a veterinarian. More certain than my spelling of veterinarian and I'm not going to look that up either. There is probably some NuGET package I can insert into this blogging tool I made to get spell check in this thing finally. Most of my 25 years of blogging has been without spell check. I hand coded a spell checker for a client back in 2009 or so using C#, so I know it's not too complicated. I wrote a tool to delimit the raw dictionary text file that I found on the internet (for faster parsing). The tool wasn't spectacular, but it worked and reflected the budget for the project. It probably got used in their production environment for a decade. Who knows though.

I've written about 400 pages this year. At least 150,000 words from my calculations this afternoon. It would be nice if I had enough money to keep doing this thing I'm doing indefinitely. Not sure that it would change much for me though. I like this place I'm living. The neighbors aren't complaining about my music. I don't have any chairs or tables and have no concrete plans to get them. Just my futon and frame. I splurged and bought a spice grinder. I could buy a deep dish pie pan and a short pie pan. Then I would need one of those butter cutting devices. And a rolling pin. I do like making pies though and usually make at least 4 a year. Maybe some day.

2024-10-24    13:09:12 PM

If I get all nerdy about what I spent the morning doing, I'd say that I was coding a protocol deserializer.

2024-10-24    06:35:02 AM

With the massive amounts of passionate writing that I do, you'd think I'd be able to commit to some lyrics. I'm basically holding out for a super nice young woman to help me out with that. Something very personal. I just think it would be fun for her to give me something that I can feel good about to sing. I know I'd feel much better about the process. I love singing and playing.

2024-10-24    02:01:44 AM

There is the possibility that the world is just playing some huge joke on me that I do not acknowledge/recognize.

2024-10-23    05:28:40 AM

What do you think? Do the subatomic particles of the sun (or whatever particles they are) get soaked into the sand of the desert and create oil, or do they get reflected back into the atmosphere? I'm leaning heavily towards they just get reflected.

The kind of power that I recently have taken/assummed reports to no one. That is a bit scary, but I feel I've been well trained for this. It doesn't feel like business as usual. If elected, it's not likely that I would go through some facade of signing some labor union bill, or really any other bill. If I got elected, or even got a good showing without being on the ballot, people would just have their answer on who is leading. Whether I get elected or not, I have taken this role and report to no one now. I'm still struggling a bit to feel my way around in this new landscape. I certainly did not get here alone, but I have no one to talk to in person. It's actually pretty good that way. Part of the gig as I understand it.

People seem to have some strange definitions of God. I wouldn't say "they" are entirely incorrect, but my role into this is to dispell some myths about it. I think of the whole thing as a math of the construct of the universe of 4 dimensional reality. When you code 4 dimensional collision detection, you do it a frame at a time. In 2d twice and then take the winner of that race to get to the third dimension and then the next frame/iteration of the execution loop gives you the fourth dimension. That's the kind of training I've been doing. That's the kind of thing that is making a lot of these things in our society. And our society is quite lovely in my opinion. I'm glad I have nice musicial instruments. It was likely our best option to do all of this stuff. Perhaps even our responsibility to the planet as the beings we are.

If oil runs out (it's likely inevitable), and we switch from HIGH gear to LOW gear soon, then what will happen? That is what climate change is about. Andy argued that what we burn is a small amount. An insignificant amount. I crunched some numbers a few months ago and see some logic in what he is saying. We are certainly creating firewalls with the trees to control forest fires (I would, makes sense to me).

This information has come into my life, so I'm sharing it here. If the atmosphere gets "bad" in this transition (whenever it comes), it could affect our "machine" crops. Wheat and things harvested like that. If acid rain is bad, it'll get ugly. For the human race to survive the transition, we'd have to live indoors and we can't support this huge population like that. Not unless we build an amazing amount of structures. I don't think that is possible or practical. There is this tipping point of population decline and it appears we have already past it, at least in this country.

The future is likely hydroponic gardening. Everything indoors. Limited space. Farmed fish. Hopefully some rice. That's probably why I've been eating the way I have been for the last 30 years. I eat traditional American food as well. I urge people to not make radical shifts, especially if you are older.

2024-10-22    05:18:00 AM

When I do a search for "Zen guru", I get a lot of stuff about Zen master, but not much positive about Zen guru. The better search I did yesterday was "difference between Zen master and Zen guru".

It's not a 1:1, but there is a difference between being a leader and being a manager. The things I read are that a Zen guru is not going to seek out students, but most good ones have a student or two. I read that a Zen master often requires obedience from their students while a Zen guru will be like I often say that I'm not here to tell you what to do. I share what has worked for me. For example, 15 years ago I would likely sit down and meditate with you for an hour or two. Now it's not as formal. I'm not here to run your meditation session for you. There is a lot to learn here.

I believe I saw it on both searches though that this Zen thing, the masters and gurus, is not something you get out of books. It's something you acquire through decades of practice. I certainly feel that I moved through master to guru. It makes sense that guru was always the destination and that is why I did not fully participate with others on the master side.

I'm not here to lead a band anymore. I've been trying to get to that point for many decades. That doesn't work for me anymore. If this presidential gig is a manager thing, well, I can kind of play that role if things are going the way I have described on my sites through the decades. If not, I don't know that I have much to say about it. Like I said the other day, I'd likely just meditate in my office and ask my assistant to set up a few phone calls.

If you were to step out into the road and realize that a car was going to hit you, what would you feel? Would you be fearless in that instant? What if you took .33 of a second and came to the conclusion that there was nothing you could do about it? What would you feel then? Would you be fearless?

I don't see a romantic "partner" as a student. Of course we learn from each other and if one is older and more accomplished, there will be more learning on that side. There is a difference between partner and student. I'd like both in my life. "Seeking" a partner at 53 years old is disturbing.

2024-10-21    11:20:53 AM

2024-10-21    10:44:41 AM

I'm eating another frozen pizza and watching Arthur which is the first movie I've watched, or anything on TV or even the internet in many months. I purchased it for $12 digitally. It's very likely that I will watch it over and over again and again, so I'm allotting myself a $20/month movie budget.

The dialog at 1:07:49 has me crying pretty hard right now. I can recite most of the dialog from this movie and many others. The Star Trek episode The Empath is on my mind today as well. The Zen guru thing that I am/do has a healer aspect to it. These presidential politics have this commander in chief aspect to them and I've certainly been coming to the realization that the tactics of the executive and legislative branches are to discriminate. As a candidate, I feel that the limits of nature, natural resources and technology trumps any democratic voices/opinions/desires that the public voices and votes for. I don't have a magic ball of what those limits specifically are, but that is what I spend a good deal of my time thinking about. I certainly don't spend much time listening to what people want from politicians. The bottom line is "if we can't do it, we can't do it". The buck stops with mother nature like that. Father time. The clockwork thing.

My presidential candidacy is certainly built on the idea that a dystopian future is rapidly headed our way. I'm actually extremely optimistic and literally get up every morning between 2 and 4am singing and playing music looking forward to digging into some non-musical work. But that doesn't mean I believe in some shinny high tech future. At least not for all 8+ billion of us. I don't know the timing on all of this. I just know that I'm prepared to be a leader in that reality if that is the direction we are going. If that isn't the direction we are going right now, then I'm just here spending my life this way in case I'm needed. I can't prepare for every potential reality. There is a difference between a spoon a fork. My fork mostly stays in the drawer and I do my best to take my spoon with me wherever I go.

I was stuck trying to remember his name for almost a half hour. I was like "It starts with a G". I also remembered quickly that he was knighted. He's John Gielgud. I remembered before checking with the internet. I don't take in a lot of new influences, but what I know, I know really well. There are moments in this movie where Liza looks amazing!

2024-10-21    09:11:41 AM

I posted my "Zen guru" title next to my name in the header today. I'm 53 years old and adopted this title earlier this year. Since I'm equally versed in an art and a science (music, software engineering / math), I've been feeling like I have earned an honorary masters degree in these subjects for the last decade. I've held back on the idea that I have a doctorate in them. That's a lot of knowledge, but it is likely true. I've spent a lot of time studying in the "lab" of my life.

I've skipped over to this Zen guru title now. I don't know what other people's definition is, but I'm well versed in meditation and habit modification. I'm not here to order people around.

I'm not perfect [but I strive to be]; I'm not a saint [I practice balance]. I never thought of myself as a Zen guru or as becoming one until this year. It's amazing that I'm still alive and at this fluffy "position" in life. I probably felt like I've been a "Zen master" for almost two decades now, but I never told anyone that or gave it much thought. Zen guru is very fitting for me now, so I'm putting that out there. There is so much other religious stuff going on in this country that I feel like I have to stick up for this and at least use it as my main title. "Musician" is a big part of it of course.

2024-10-21    03:13:29 AM

For all of you haters out there who think I should play gigs out in town or with bands.... I've played about 2,000 gigs in my life. I've played trombone out in town about 12 times in the last 25 years. I did not enjoy any of those times. They felt like an obligation and it was stiff music that I did not like. I much prefer what I'm doing here in my studio and on my website and I work other jobs to make this work. I hope you enjoy my fairly massive collection of short music compositions/recordings that I've made over the last 25 years. I post it here for free because I like not having a paywall to access it. This is my gift to the world and I've paid a fairly steep price to bring this to you.

2024-10-21    01:36:03 AM

My dirty rocker....

2024-10-20    03:28:33 AM

2024-10-18    07:46:04 AM

2024-10-17    09:09:14 AM

2024-10-16    15:16:13 PM

2024-10-16    05:32:34 AM

2024-10-13

7:53am

My ego is based on physical and mental skills that I possess. It's not a false ego to be smashed.

The idea of if I feel shame came up a minute ago. I think that when I recognize that I make a mistake, I feel some shame. It's like a reminder to do better next time. If someone else is trying to make me feel shame and it's not something I recognize or care about, then there is no shame there on my side.

Humiliation is a weird subject. Do I feel humiliated when people manipulate me for a joke? It's really lost on me. I don't play jokes on people, so I wouldn't know. If I recognize that I made a mistake, then I can get embarrased about it. It has to be based on something I did though. Like a mathematical error. It's usually something pretty minor, but I'll remember making the mistake and why I did it and those moments can be a source of grounding stability for me.

2024-10-12

2:28pm
I wasn't aware of this reality until a few days ago. You have to consider that the sun is constantly radiating and getting smaller. And the Earth is drawn to the sun. This closes the distance between us and keeps the sun looking like it is the same size. Because there is nothing out there to compare it to other than the moon, and you can't even see the two together very often, there is nothing to base its size on. The moon appearing to be the same size as the sun is still a mystery to me. My guess is that it was likely much smaller in the past. And who knows what gravity was like in the past either.



Big lie, small world. The same amount of light is hitting the planet no matter how close it is.

10:18pm
I suppose there are many factors that go into how much light is coming at us. It seems that taking a sample and monitoring it over years could give some information as to how far away the sun is. I thought of that in the afternoon. Maybe the very large array? It was a new idea though and needs more thought.

These angles are a new idea as well, but that much is obvious. The idea that you can change the brightness on a bulb. Like how all the lights in my house had dimeers on them. I was thinking yesterday about the coding of light sources in a 3d environment.

Not sure if you could gauge any information from looking at the sun's position next to a star next to it. The sun is so bright you can't see those stars. Probably can't see that with instruments either.

The planet does appear to be fairly old. It seems that would point to the sun being much closer than I was lead to believe in school. I was taught that the sun is so big that it will burn for a long time. I don't think that is correct anymore. I think the end of our planet could come at any time. The moon is likely made up from our trail of smoke. If we stop burning, then I think it will come down on us. If oil ends, the only way to stop it would be by burning trees. Once the trees are gone, we can't do anything about it. And perhaps that is controling our distance from the sun.

I have this vision of the moon and the sun crashing into Earth and combining. Perhaps we turn into a new plnetary mass in search of another sun then? I believe there is a scene in the old 1984 movie The Last Starfighter that has a graphic of that type of collision. It's not the clip that I saw on the internet today. You'd probably have to watch the whole movie to find it. It may be in a training simulation in the beginning of the movie.

2024-10-11

9:53am
I got up at 5am or so and went into my meditation room with a cup of water. Did a shoulder stand. Sat in silence. Still thoughts running through my head. Yesterday was intense work.

Thinking of what to do today. Whether to pack up my computer and go even more minimal. Is it the world telling me what to do? Am I chasing something? Or someone?

Played some nice bass with singing this morning. Had fun with that. Things sound normal out on the street. The curry I made last night is nice. It's good to be indoors, in my new sanctuary. My little place away from it all.

We'll see. The state of the world? Rustic weirdness. Who knows. I'm doing what I can over here. With limited resources.

2024-10-10 Thursday

8:50am
With my post yesterday, I'm simply in a waiting state doing my thing. Thinking of Harmony Road. The world transforming around me. I have no way of verifying if action is taking place. I've been proven time and time again how easy it is to control everything in my environment. I'm a prisoner like that. A political prisoner.

My life is sweet though! I've been doing a lot more music in the last year and it continues. This bass is amazing and the apartment is great. Mysic Rhythms on now is reminding me of my Trumpet Drums recording.

The idea that Generation Z is the fourth generation in a row to go through birth control experiments. I know the sex drive is still incredibly strong in me, even after more than 2 years on HRT. I could be some incredible exception though.

There is this idea of me being an icon of an icon of the jazz and rock musicians. I love what I do. It took a lot of work. It wasn't a money thing, at least not directly. I have the fantasy that I can be an inspiration to people of all ages in the post oil drawdown. It was incredibly hard to transcribe recordings when I started in 1991. After a month or two of just transcribing single intervals, it started getting better. I remember having to beat down the layers of denial that first day. Attempting to transcribe something way above my ability. "No, that won't work." Then trying something more simple. "No, that won't work either." It was an interesting process and skill to learn. The humbling nature of that.

This political thing I'm in now doesn't feel humbling at all. I don't think I felt "humble" during the summer. It was just an intellectual war. I'm certainly feeling powerlessness. I suppose what I'm doing now could be considered surrender. I guess I don't see it that way either. It's just the same war going on here. I'm in this apartment now and essentially won't get kicked out for a year. If money comes in somehow, I can stay longer. Perhaps even the rest of my life. With a partner and/or a couple friends, I may not even have to leave the house and that sounds good to me. At least for a while. I really don't want to go out into the streets until I see some kind of significant change. Even if it is just in the mile or two around me, it would be a sign of acceptance.

I've put a lot of work into all of this.

2024-10-09

4:20ishpm
It's come to this:

Executive Order

1. Stop Streaming Video/Music Services/Apps and TV until November 1st.

2. Make my websites the only thing available on the internet for 4 days. Stop social media. All internet searches show an index of my sites.

3. Distribute my Recovery Documentation (end the drug war) to all cell phones via text message.

4. (recommended) - Shut down personal transportation. This is recommended to prevent mass migration (is this a democracy?).

Trust is sketchy. Facts are hard to prove. False news, people can say anything.

I produced this AA recovery "meeting format" in late September 2024. Although I have desire to lead a group like this in order to help others and assemble a very small group of friends in my life, I'm not trying to dig in the trenches with this and promote it. I think it is a wonderful idea and is insightful on many levels. I put a lot of work into these things I do.

Whether these meetings catch on in AA or not, I'm posting them here so that people can access them freely. You don't have to identify with being an alcoholic or addict or as a member of AA to hold meetings like these. A bad habit is a bad habit and applying some work on changing habits can be a good habit to get into. I enjoy doing this kind of thing rather than consuming trivia in hopes of striking up some small talk (to each their own as it says in the AA Living Sober book). I get pretty deep about this psycholgical stuff. It isn't for everyone.

Seeing some evidence out in the world that people are benefiting from this and/or any of my other works would be an incredible feeling. I'm not out to push this on people any more than trying to make people aware that my website exists. On that front, I'm pretty hopeless. It takes all my efforts just to keep my thing and this site going. Once in a while I leave one of my bookmarks laying around.

2024-10-09

12:28am
I was playing bass in the dining room yesterday morning at 1:30am and a garbage truck seemed to pick up the trash at my place. It seemed like a salute to me. I hear someone taking a pile of cans down the street now.

I brought up a news site on my browser just now. It looks like typical news you would see at any time in my life.

I've found a picture of a girl I like. Does she fit the role over here? Is there such thing as a role over here? I still believe there is.

My theories have gotten huge. I know I'm low on facts.

1. Oil will run out. Not 100%, but this is almost 100%. I'm convinced that it is simply a store of carbon. Underground like they say it is. It will run out and we have obviously been using a lot of it.

2. If oil runs out, it'll be somewhat like a gas tank on a car, it'll just get to empty and that will be it. Well, it'll probably be a thing of going from HIGH to LOW usage. Essentially keep the food and clothing going. It's a complicated balancing game that I've been devoting thought to all year. It's not like I'm micromanaging resources at my potential political level.

3. I had daily communication with Sting, through our websites, from 2013-2023. I can't absolutely prove it was him or that the communication was only intended for me. Communication was happening on my end and I felt response from him. I spent massive amounts of time communicating with him that way. There is the theory that he is king of the world and he just handed that postion to me. There is also Wynton Marsalis. Music is obviously directly related to the Christian churchs in the US (the only ones I have confirmed exist) via the organ/keyboard and our 12 note system. We sing modal music in churches. Our language comes from them essentially. They are/were the hub of our civilization.

4. I'm a simple man, there is no big mystery. Under the hood, I am a man still in search of a partner. I'm also a transwoman. I won't get into that again here.

5. The sun radiates particles. In all directions, all the time. It is getting smaller, all the time, yet it appears to never change size. Perhaps we are getting closer at the same rate?



It's quiet here now. I had a feeling of "go away" come from my head. It feels like I am in some high security situation and have been for a long time. My environment is weird. My musical connections are strong to these ultra-famous people. And I'm completely on my own physically here as far as my "job" goes. I'm alone personally. I feel there is a real possibility they will launch me to Mars if Mars even exists. Or with my Rush connection of "Rand" and all the rest of it, the numerology of 2112, Ayn Rand, my ex-wife Ann, February 2nd. I was having fun playing King of Pain this evening. I'm certainly highly trained to deal with all the stress of this. It's just very weird intellectually and powerless physically.

My gut feeling is that there will be a solar system event on 12-21-2024. 12-22-2024 is a Sunday and brings up the U2 song. If there is an event that day, it'll likely be Mercury hitting the Sun or the day the Sun becomes obviously bigger signaling the end of us all. The moon has a bunch of craters on it. They could have just launched a bunch of rockets up there to make those. Or there were other planets like they say there are and when a planet hits the sun, it throws off projectiles. Either way, it would unite the world.

With the level of electronic and social manipulation in my life, it's hard to tell if there is anything like reincarnation. Perhaps scientists have figured it out? Perhaps I am just totally stupid about it? I'm still based on mathematics. If the end is near (there was a guy wearing a shirt that said "ask me how the world ends" in my neighborhood, I never asked.) this reincarnation stuff doesn't matter much to us now. Or we are simply trying to get through this event.

In the last hour, I've written that Sting might be king of the world and we are the Dr. Suess Thing 1 and Thing 2. The internet says Dr. Suess was born on March 2nd like I was. I'm calm, but freaked out mentally. I simply desire a beautiful, white, young lady to be with as my partner. Someone innocent enough to make me feel respected and not played. It's actually a pretty narrow pool of people, but I am sure there are plenty of women who would work. I just want to live a normal life as a couple doing what I normally do day to day which is essentially playing music, taking care of my health, thinking about these world issues and addressing the world through my website. I'd like to show her what I do.

I don't have to qualify this.

I put the headphones on. I've got my "perky" drum thing playing with that nice bass line with the low D and the Blue in Green inspired piano chords and melody. I've been performing that quite regularly this week. My 6 string bass is excellent. A dream come true. It appears to have gold strings. They feel and sound great. I've put a lot of work into this.

It's on the 404 machine and I have the rain sound I recorded in my studio in 2021 on button 16 with perky on 11. I could make a recording but I've been under the assumption that everything is being recorded around me. It would still be nice to make a recording for the creative process of it and the generation of a new sound file.

What do you think? Is this an election going on? Mars? Mercury? Gas turning off? The moon crashing down? Upward pressure? Heat? Carbon?

Countdown
New World Man
Subdivisions

Harmony Road
For Her Love
King of Pain

4 Anthony
RM Love
RM Quality

We've all got electricity and cell phones. We have enough shelter. I'm going to be working obviously. I don't know how to take a vacation. I seriously doubt this is business as usual.

Different Strings
Bonus


A few hours ago I came to the conclusion that people have a right to know this. I'm just another person down here. I don't have the facts about what or when on this solar system scale. It's inveitable though. I'm living a relatively fucked up life right now. I've been working this political angle 20+ hours a day for, well, close to a year now. Music, love, food, work. You know, do what you enjoy and do what you can to keep things going relatively well. I'm not in charge of distribution.

Happy birthday Ann. I hope you are well.

2024-10-08

8:30pm
"A typical day's schedule involved Lifeson cooking breakfast for the trio, after which Lifeson and Lee worked on musical ideas while Peart gathered his notes and walked to a nearby cottage to write lyrics,[6] with "Entre Nous" being the only set completed prior to their arrival at Lakewoods Farm." -

Cinderella Man, innocence untarnished. Entre Nous, along with nievity no longer a child. My nievity was slow to break down. I still feel a sense of innocence untarnished. It makes sense that I would do well with a young woman with a good deal of nievity and pure innocence.

"A typical day's schedule involved Lifeson cooking breakfast" We know what a typical day is. None of this modern stuff you see around you is built without a typical day. A normal workday.

2024-10-08

1:53am
Moving stuff all over the world. The bug problem in the tropics and/or Africa. Wherever it was. The possibility that was the source of our oil. Coffee. And cocaine. Fast and slow. Or just slightly fast. Bananas? Not sure how either of these really grow. Never been proven to me. Coffee is certainly some kind of bean (or something in a round pod of beans [seeds]) and we all know what a banana looks like. Both seem to be harvested green and then, well, processed. It's part of the harvesting process with transport in mind. Shoot the bananas out of the tree most likely. Might as well have some fun with it. Who knows. There are a lot of bananas around. I've been envisioning Matrix type cranes grabbing them. Seems excessive. Harvesting beans? Well, there are a lot of beans in my environment.

It sure does seem like the human race moves fast.

I'm feeling a sense of freedom this morning. I have no idea what other people know. If I am/have been guided by an electronic voice, it's almost always so quiet it's hard to tell it from my own thoughts. These cell phones obviously work. Although I've suspected it for decades, I only really heard voices once and music once. Even then, it's hard to tell. Both were loud events unlike my own thinking. One in 2002 and the other in 2012. My music life might have been tightly guided and the two decades of programming certainly mapped my body, eye and keyboard strokes. You can't play music like I do without putting in dedicated practice though. And a lot of it. All of us musicians are workers like that.

12:21pm
That picture of Jenny Finney Boylan with her before and after driver license. Would you detransition? She just looks so fabulous! I mean, there is a part of me that is just feminine now. It sure would be nice to have some authentic fans of mine here with me. You know, people I haven't met but who are truly fans of mine.

2024-10-07 Monday

7:50am
I got up and played bass for a couple hours at 2am. Then I coded VBA Macros to parse my bank's transaction data to analyze my Amazon purchases. Essesntially everything I own cost $5,000 and I don't see any need to buy more. I've even got enough here for two people. The acoustics are good and I have enough money in the bank to stay here for a year like this.

Now I'm thinking of all my possessions as if they were batteries. The energy that was used to make them, especially the electricity. They have potential.


The difference between an extrovert and an introvert. I'm an introvert. I don't crave speed. I practice balance. I'm very sensitive. Aware. Speed can be fun, but it doesn't equal fun.

2024-10-06

8:12pm
Although I did have good musical training when I was young and had my ego boosted and adjusted during and after high school, I don't think I was overly triggered during the 1990's. I've always practiced a lot and have been very dedicated to what I do. I simply aimed really high. Lofty ambitions, but someone has to do it and I figured it would be a great journey. Getting to the reward was the goal, but I wasn't going to base my sanity on success or failure.

Was it a good call for me to get out of the Navy when I did? My thoughts this evening were that what I learned on the streets about math and engineering was better than what I would have learned in the Navy about management.

2024-10-06

4:20am
Lots of decrompression over here. A few weeks ago blogging about thoughts on decompression in aircraft. I had done a little research online. Thinking about space trips and airplanes. This just came up now because of personal and political decompression.

I've just been on a monolog 20/7 here. So many political thoughts over a lifetime run together. Trying to make sense of it all. Much like looking at the stars without any equipment. Einstein thinking about it all. And all those people. Much the same.

My theories around the idea of oil running out hold true. My life is completely insane on some levels. Saying that I am trained for a Mars mission and it's no joke at all. That's a 100% in my mind. Do I want to go? I'm indifferent on the issue. Transgender surgery? Is there a difference? Having the female partner I desire? Well of course that Trumps the other two. Combinations of them? How big is this gig?

Who else could ease my mental state? It's just weird like that. At the moment, the theory that there is one person like me in every city around the world is as likely as not. It doesn't change anything in my reality.

The presidential election? Do you know when the last time I looked at a news broadcast was? I don't have a clue.

Leading the world? I'm ready. I'm essentially doing it right now. If you are leader of the world, there is no one to answer to. And yet I'm just like anyone else here. There is a weird baptism experience (again) about all of this. Do people recognize me as the world leader? Or the world leader in Portland? Or as an incredible musician in this apartment complex? Where would I go, I ain't been out in years. Well, that isn't exactly the most precise language.

I always saw this gig as a role model or teacher position. I'm not here to tell people what to do. The world is a big place and simply copying everything I do is not what I'm suggesting. It's the intent of it all. I try to be a good role model in everything I do and that has gotten me to the point and I'm not perfect and fall short because I am limited by all kinds of things like everything/body else.

I came up with a plan of what to do in the White House if people were to take me there. How many years have I been thinking about that? It's the same old story and I've blogged about that. It's really people respecting me. It's not even really respect. It's people recognizing me.

I'm powerless over that. I'm powerless over you. If I got elected, I could work with others to change the tax code or some other executive function to enforce some system of discrimination to steer the people in the direction we need to go. I'd likely just insist that I meditate in my office and do what I want. Ask my assistant to setup some phone calls. Would people recognize me if I call them on the phone? Right now, that doesn't do anything for me. I'm sick of that game. If people start recognizing me in the neighborhood or in some news or music coming out on the street, I'd warm up to the idea that people are on board with me.

I mean, would the Oregon Secretary of State send me a letter saying I won the election for President in Oregon? Would I go to Ballotpedia the day after the election to see if my name is on some list? What name would I be looking for? I can think of a few, but there are limits.

Flawless comes up. I guess it's true on some level.

I've laid down some rules to proceed with my personal and professional life. I'll certainly continue to think about all this and develop ideas. It's not like I'm going to stop playing music. It's not like I'm going to run out to the corner bar. I have to eat so I have to leave the house. According to the old rules, or current rules, I'll run out of money in a year or so, so I don't know what to make of that. Attempts to draw money from all the rest of this is ridiculous. Even filing with the FEC has become so riduculous it just feels like an insult and I'm not sure there is any benefit from it in any possible scenerio.

I could write out my plan word for word here. It's only like a paragraph long. It's pretty simple for me personally. My life is intense folks. It makes sense that gasoline will stop flowing, for the rest of our time on Earth. A permanent lockdown of sorts. I've blogged about what that would look like extensively over the years. Not with the full on realization of the scope of it, but the information is on my websites.

It seems I've been trained in the psychology of how to live after this change occures. My life history, the skills I have and how I go about "practicing" in multiple "fields" is a good model for others to follow. I'm sure many people will want to just sit at the bar or perhaps that is what has been going on for years? I'd like a nice young lady, with a level of innocence about her that I can fully trust her to share my space and life with. I'm holding out for someone really special like that. Although I have a pretty narrow definition of this perfect girl in my mind, I'm sure there are plenty of women out there who would work. Chasing her or picking her out or going on dates. All that doesn't work for me. If anyone identifies with this or wants to hook me up, well, that is what I would like. Am I hard to find right now? I don't know. I'm pretty freaked out personally. I'm an extremely strong and competent leader on many levels, but there is a price for that. You know, if I get setup like that, we'll try it out for a while. This isn't a prison cell for you. It is a bit of a prison cell for me and I'm not trying to lock anyone in here. I'm actually trying to get out in a way although that process will likely be very slow.

Other than that, I'm continuing to do what I consider to be my presidential/world leader work from this space like I've been doing for a decade or two. I'm an older person and have more control over my life and property like that. This gig has not paid well and that is part of the training. It seems that presidents are likely not trained to the extent that I am, so this feels like world leader stuff. Like I said, there may be some weird person like me in every big metro area around the world. My politics points to this being one of the biggest, if not biggest event in human history. It's crazy pressure to put on one person and it took weird, weird things to get me into this mental and physical state. It's easy for me to get on board with what I have come to here, so I'm feeling pretty good right now. I hope this dream lady shows up. I think we could have a good time. My life does not hinge on it. Lonliness does not bother me all that much. I'm quite used to it on multiple levels. We'll just see what happens and I'll be working on keeping on, but with a new perspective that will hopefully bring a better serenity.

2024-10-04 Friday

3:27pm
I've been on a huge monolog in my apartment since 2am or so. In my mind, it's just out of this world politics. What more could I possibly do? How more prepared could I be? Sure, I'm not all knowlegable. A lot of my information is merely theory. It's not just that it sounds convincing. The way I tie all this together. It's amazing how I got here and looking back at all the work that produced this frame of mind and my ability to think and write on this level. Not to mention my musicianship and everything else that I do.

I'm not in control of what others think of me or my monolog.

2024-10-02

3:17am
It's been good writing lately. Too many spelling and grammar errors for my taste. Always reminds me of reading programming examples on the internet.

I had a good interview with the Chief of Technology at Hampton Lumber in 2021. I was applying for a programming job. We were both the same age. Grew up in the city as I remember. Similar background of sorts.

We had a great conversation and he explained the Lumber industry as being more of a commodity than a product. The managing of the trees.

On many levels, we were just two successful late stage career people at the top of our industries. And then there is the level of him talking about his normal family life, house and things of that nature and then there is my crazy life. Of course I had my house at the time and that put me into a home ownership frame of mind that allows me to relate better to average people.

I've written some things this week that are already taking a life of their own. Wondering what the people I gave it to are thinking about it. Kind of like an Anthem story of discovery of something radically advanced from a different time. It's outside of me, complete, just a few pages. It's likely it will affect a lot of people and that ball is likely in motion. It's a bit of a discovery. I've been placing a lower value on the word "invention" lately. Discovery seems more relavent for most things.

Am I waiting for someone to come into my life to turn my world around? Like anyone, it could happen. Quickly. Instantaneously. Am I waiting for a radical change out on the streets? Probably just as likely. Perhaps things keep on going on the way they are?

In many ways, we are radically advanced beings. I prefer to see us like that. I think it is good to keep that at the top of my mind. It's easy to get drawn down into the ugliness of it all on the streets. All the advertising and printing. It's easy to see an advanced technological device and either take it for granted or wonder how the hell it got made. The fact is that we are all radically advanced. Sure, some people have very advanced skills that they have learned over a long period of time. But almost all of us have a base education that would allow us to learn that stuff if we only had the time. And with my political predictions, we may get that time soon. A majority of us might be faced with the reality of becoming radically advanced at some art, sport or technical skill or fall into an existance of simply watching TV all day. Or using drugs I suppose. If they are available.


The lyric "If their lives were exotic and strange, they would likely have gladly exchanged them for something a little more plain, maybe something a little more sane." is bringing new meaning in the moment. When I think of that reality for me, the words "a little" bring up my image of being a lonely widow in my apartment. That I could just be kind of an old lady like that. Perhaps the people of this city realize that about me and that is why they keep their distance? Or perhaps I project that? I hold my hopes that there would be a bridging moment where I could have a little bit of a wonderful sex party of sorts. I'm very intellectual though and it would likely be somewhat short lived. I was just slapping my 6 string bass using my Half Pipe Dirty Pot melody and well, I'm kind of an old school rock star like that. It's been difficult that tune. It's not easy to keep on playing that over and over and I've been working on it for decades. It's sounding good now. Playing on a big stage is all kinds of insane to me, but having a couple young girls here see me do that. That would be a dream come true. It's like we hear all this super produced music on the radio. It's likely that all those musicians are just as good as I am and like me, they enjoy producing that stuff too. I'm remembering a movie scene about this.... Oh yeah, it's Arthur. Liza says to Bitterman "I just want one person to see me get out of this thing." I enjoy singing and playing that song. The Dmaj7 chord with the G# on it and the syncopation of how that melody works. I "meditated" on that for years and eventually learned it. Now it's just something I play and sing for a warm up on all my instruments. Just one person. Well, perhaps 2 or three. It would be fun. I'd likely go back to my lonely widow thing out of choice.

Perhaps a little less lonely though.

The idea of having GRS is still strong in me. What else would I do with my time? I don't like the insanity about if it is a real thing, that it actually works. I don't particularly like the risk involved. It's not just about having sex. It would be incredible to not have that piece of my body anymore. To look amazing in a tight fitting dress. To look at my body in bed at night. To put my hand down there. To have someone on top of me without that thing there. Everything has a price.

It's kind of like I'm a ghost of a rock star. The idea of a young woman being next to me and me showing her these skills that were made out of attracting someone like her and then me having given up that game and being just like her on some level. It's like there is this thing, an object, my skill, and we are both looking at it.

I get paranoid like this is the wrong road to go down here, that I'm ruining the moment. The idea I had in the shower a few minutes ago was that I'm just well trained and it's OK to just be me. That perhaps these little details don't matter that much. I've certainly had the idea that recordings made of me lately have been more than enough to earn massive amounts of respect from people. Like it's been an inquiry into love and God. It totally has been. What do I do now?

I'm enjoying writing and I don't know where this stuff goes. I press send.

A lot of my musical power the last few years, and my political power, has been from breaking out of my comfort zone and hooking up with George and Mike offering my bass and vocals to thier Rush project. I was frustrated with it on some levels, but I wanted to do this bass playing and singing thing. I knew I could do it, but I was held back. After that first rehearsal, I went home and got out my transcriber program and really dug into those songs learning the chords and melody on the piano. It came together quickly because of all my decades of musicianship of course. But the interesting thing about it is how slow I am to pick out chords. Trombone is a very limiting instrument.


Why do I tend to feel guity for asking for something like thes things I'm talking about today? I have essentially slept on the hard floor for at least 4 years of my adult life. Over 10% of my adult life. It's the price I pay for the intellectual riches I enjoy and the source of my power in running for these offices and essentially asking to spend a few nights with a young cute girl who might be amazed at all the skills I have acquired. Would it mess her up mentally? Well, it certainly would be different. It would probably have a huge effect on the course of her thinking and possibly life. It might be wonderful for her though. I'm certainly curious about her from my transwoman perspective as someone who chooses to remain a transwoman. I don't know how to setup such an encounter. I'm downright scared to even post about it. Perhaps just one girl is the right mix? Or two? I don't know. It's great how I said that earlier.

I actually don't see this as a pathway to reintegrating with society. My writing earlier today (offline) made that clear. This isn't something society is buying from me. Some kind of better future work from me. I hate to think of it as a payment. There is some kind of deficit with me. My feeling is that it would be this one encounter, that would last for several days, and then I'd essentially go back to my old self. In this apartment. Living my normal life. Doing my writing. Playing some music. Enjoying my thing. I have some business things, both professional and non-professional, in the works. I plan on getting a CDL and doing trucking for money if I need that. I plan on living a minimalist lifestyle. I don't own a chair and may not even get one.

I'm 50/50 on transgender surgery. I am fine with just being some eccentric old transwoman widow. The idea of surgery is amazing though. I call myself a zen guru and recovered alcoholic. This hormone stuff is a grey area, but I've done plenty of writing to justify what I'm doing as simply a choice and not an addiction. Surgery is not a must for me. To be with men sexually, it's pretty necessary though and there is desire for that. My desire to be with women sexually still exists, but that is just like a ghost reflex now. There is no true substance behind it anymore. It would be amazing to completely transistion and be as feminine as possible. I mean, look at me. I may not be the prettiest transwoman out there, but I'm obviously a transwoman. We are a diverse community from the people I've talked with and met. It's fair to say that I'm a transexual and have posted under that title before. If I had surgery, I'd be into men 100%. Without surgery, that thing between my legs destroys the experience of being with a man. Not to say that I wouldn't do that a time or two again. It's quite feminizing to experience that. My base sexuality is straight and I'm firmly on the feminine transitioned side. If you saw how I was dressing 2 years ago, you'd totally understand my desire to be an old widowed woman. I have a thing for that old librarian look! And part of this experience for me is letting some of my masculine musical energy go. It's crazy to think I won't play again, but this masculine energy in my music is a little much for me.

Politically, I don't have any direct information that I have made any progress or that there is any interest in what I'm doing. I don't feel it is necessary to quit candidacy. It would be fun to see actual votes in some news publication. Hearing bits of my music in public areas would be closer to my heart.

2024-10-01 Tuesday

12:58am
My FEC Ms Rand for President principle candidate committee ID is C00885376. 88 keys/MPH, 53yo, 76 trombones. FEC File installed but I couldn't get past the first form because it froze when I tried to correct a misspelling in "presidnet". This is a joke, right?

It's quiet here. Do my neighbors enjoy my little music performances? Did I prove my musicianship to them? What is going to happen when I paint my nails pink? Will I have a bunch of young women over here to have a pajama party with? Should I reopen FEC File? "If I had a song in me I would pay off all the debts I owe?" Where is that centipede I saw last night? Does it turn into a butterfly? Should I put on Synkronized? Or Incognito? The way she sings that high note on Changes? Then goes up a minor third! It's incredible!

Geddy Lee sings a high, or rather double high, G on Freewill. It's not totally clear. Doesn't quite get up to it, but the intent is there and it sounds amazing. His F is solid though. OK, it's just a High G, not a double high G. This six string bass is a little confusing right now. I certainly have to put some time on it to get used to it. I may just want to cuddle, but that isn't an option right now, at this moment.

Do you think I'm connected?

Am I just speculating that the gas could get shut off quickly? Perhaps the internet for a few days as well so people could develop a greater appreciation for musicians? Would people come to me then? How long without music before people would want to come to my empty, lonely apartment with my six strings, keyboard and drum machine. Oh, and I still have the 1" pine dowel drum sticks. We wouldn't want to shut off the electricity because that would be dangerous. Some places would need gas too of course. I don't know. Is this my choice, right now? Just because I am lonely and feel underappreciated? Does anything I say matter? What is the meaning?

2:29pm
I've got the follow-up to the grocery store one paragraph highlighted section from the other day. It's not me being mean at all. I see these grocery store clerks as in charge of inventory. They are not my servant. I don't need them checking out my groceries. They are not my psychologist. I'm not there to make friends necessarily. I'm there to get my groceries. I'm not in charge of what they think their job is. Unfortunately, I'm somewhat forced to deal with them. I don't have bad feelings for them at all.

I'm frustrated at the citizens of this city not donating to me, not supporting my music financially, and essentially not voting for me. I'm frustrated at "them" talking about being frustrated at money in politics. I'm frustrated at people debating my politics one on one. I can accept how it has all worked out, but this is my website and this is how I express my politics. By posting on this website and being in the race: on the ballot. I'd much rather hear other people debating my ideas with each other than bringing that to me. It's not fair to me to have to defend my politics and the legitimacy of me being in the race to all 775,000 people in the district.

It's common knowledge about what typical candidates do as campaigning activities. I've tried a majority of them out with a few tens of thousands of dollars. My conclusion is that it is mostly a sham. Perhaps some false information put out by unions, churches or other groups. I'm not saying they are wrong. It's probably necessary to keep this society functioning the way it is. To that I say that perhaps this isn't the best system. I can entertain the idea that it may have been the best way for us to do it last century. I certainly challenge the idea that we should continue this practice and I am hear to spread some numbers and logic that say this is not sustainable and tipping point must occure and that it may accure sooner rather than later.

I'm sure it is difficult to build a machine to terminate wires and then have to solder them into a board. These cell phones and computer seem to get around that problem. I don't think it is about the battery at all athough these batteries are kind of nice.

It's baffling that people would want to work as a grocery store cashier, but I must admit that when I think of working at a grocery store, I waffle between wanting to stock the shelves while the store is closed at night and working the register.

I'm not some transgender exhibitionist. I enjoy going out "as myself" as we say in the commmunity. I'm not so hot on the phrase, but I must admit that is what it is. The fact is that I never liked being out in public and being transgender and feeling more freedom to wear what I want doesn't change that situation. I'm extremely thankful that I was able to get my ID and money back. I was able to heal my feet and got into this nice apartment. For a few weeks there, it didn't look like I'd be able to because my credit score dropped from a 767 to a 490 something in two months. That's the kind of thing that happens when you get into politics and music like I do and start working 20 hour days for free. I believe in what I'm doing and well, I'm just friggin' amazing even if no one else recognizes that. I'm grateful to have this wonderful body and enjoy my movements.

OK, giggles. I guess that is it for my afternoon rant. Time to take more hormones. It's possible I had my very last orgasim this morning. I was surprised that I got back into it after not having one for a year, but these hormones are doing something. Something that I like. It may end up being a train wreck, but I'm here enjoying the ride. I've been on other train wrecks before!!


Funny! Correcting a typo brought up an earlier thought about possession. I enjoy the recorded music that I made with my hands. I don't know where the ideas came from, but all those notes came from within me. In that sense, I own those recordings. They are a bit of a static collection, but you know, the older you get, the more they stack up, the less time you have to live, the more you enjoy this side of the fence. I wouldn't say either side of the fence is any better than the other. They both have grass, but you love the side you are on.

Possessions that are active, some object I own and work to keep and take care of is a little different than a static collection. I suppose there is taking care of the static collection too. I guess it is the difference between a tool and a collection. People, partners, I see them kind of like possessions. They are something I take care of because I love them. If I don't love them, it's best to get rid of them. I loved my movie collection. I'm sad that I don't have it even though I am not currently using it much. Hopefully someone else is enjoying it. There is hurt in me thinking of re-aquiring any of that stuff. It's like a double loss and on top of that, I don't think I can avoid the double loss so it seems like a triple loss. I'm enjoying a mostly empty house for now and you know, maybe some incredibly sexy, fun, respectful people will show up and it'll ease the pain of the triple loss. I suppose I set my standards pretty high. It really isn't about superficial looks and then again, the thing with white teeth are that they are clean. It's not the whole story, but it is part of it.

There is obviously some odd sex deficit with me. Filling it is more complicated than you might think. The intellectual end of it is wonderful though and certainly feeds everything I do. There has got to be some kind of relief though cause I'm going a little nuts!

Part of me wants to just hold off on going to trucking school for several months, but I might as well pick up this CDL. It sounds like fun and it may come in handy. I fantasize about having cute young women over here and swapping clothing. I wear a size 6. Just being silly and giggling. That would be fabulous. This medication may kick in and eliminate erections entirely. I haven't been told that and it's working a little slow, but it would be nice. I've locked typical male fantasies out of my mind permanently. The body will follow, right? I guess it is a little experiment I have going in the lab. I've got a couple other experiments going too that are not directly related to politics or music.


There will probably be a bunch of people scratching their heads on that male fantasy stuff, but it's a thing. I'm kind of a teenage girl like that. Perhaps I always was? They may enjoy me.

2024-09-30

11:36pm
I woke up a little bit ago and grabbed my bass in the mostly dark bedroom. There are no lights in there and I may not get any. I started off playing and singing Limelight. Then I went into Tom Sawyer, then Red Barchetta, then Cheer Up Charlie. I wasn't in the mood for slapping.

Then I went to the living room and turned on the keyboard with the small speakers and sang that bridge to Analog Kid. Then I played the keyboard solo to La Belle Dam Sans Regrets. I played it fairly quickly this time and almost perfect which was surprising given that the keys are so stiff and slippery. I played that keyboard vamp on the end in octaves like I usually do but I skipped all those litte pieces between this time. I've probably played that solo 10,000 times.

Then I drank some water and made some coffee. Thought about espresso machines for a minute. Then sang a litte bit of Circumstances without an instrument. I have twelve musical instruments listed on my resume with recordings to most of them. I had recordings on my website of me playing 5 different instruments in 2001, but it didn't seem to be enough to keep me from landing on the streets in 2003 despite my best efforts to work a cable installation job.

I always considered this absurdity to be presidential training, so I'm currently registered as a presidential candiate. I lost my computer before I could make that initial report of my $50,000 "donation" to my Ms Rand for President bank account. I can download FEC File right now and attempt to make my quarterly report as the quarter officially ends in 15 minutes.

Former President Trump calls for America First and that kind of nationalism. I don't particularly know what his motives are. I don't watch any news at all. I've been calling for living locally in all of my US Representative runs. I don't think it is a matter of democracy. I think we are more bound by technology and natural limits. With that idea, one of the cops who I talked to when I was walking on the freeway this summer who said the politics is a bit of "a facade anyway" is likely correct. We do have leaders. Mentors. Teachers. We are all just elements of the universe in motion though and these are all higher level abstractions of our core base reality of macro nutrients.

Now, a few minutes later, I see a dried grain of oats and grain of white rice. The oat grain must have been from breakfast and the grain of white rice from dinner. I put a whole bunch of spinach in my curry this evening. Was that a luxury?

2024-09-30 Monday

6:57pm
One of the main lessons of my life is that I would rather be home alone than someplace where I am not wanted, loved or respected. I know I am loved at home and I can grow here. Even when I'm alone. Probably thanks to these wonderful music recordings and my school music teachers who taught me the basics with a good dose of passion, integrity, love and fun.

I've been doing a lot of writing. A lot of fantasies going through my head. Hopefully making a bunch of them a reality. If I'm just going to be a lonely widow in an empty apartment, I'm going to be the coolest lonely widow on the planet!

You know, they say "pass it on." Being a teacher. Contributing to society. I'm 53 now. It's been an exhausting summer. Fun at times. Ridiculous almost constantly. I'm downsized now and loving it. I didn't see anything wrong with what I had though. I miss my movies. They are ingrained in my head and that means I'm able to use them as tools for writing. I still miss them and will likely want to see them again. This computer I'm using is nice. I don't know that it is any better than my other ones. Probably a littel worse actually. It's more portable and will work better for trucking.

I'm just a teacher like that. Sting's yoga personna that he presented was a huge deal in the 80's and 90's. Huge. I of course was on board with all that meditation stuff and the rice and all of that too. Yoga itself is actually a small part of what I do and I always wanted people to pick up on these things. My roommates earlier this year got a good dose of it. Certainly all my partners know about it. Perhaps it is all over the internet. I have no idea. I'm just here, like you see in this picture above. I think I look amazing, but I can't say that I look much different than I did 30 years ago. I can't say I'm doing much of anything different either. Computers really only do about 6 things. Arrays, variables, loops, math, conditional logic, streams of strings. Parsing a string. Writing a protocol. Playing in the silicon. Straight lines. Small straight lines passed down over the centuries. Things I learned in my isolation. 0px

Being 15 years old, being 20 years old. Wondering what music I will create in my lifetime. Looking forward to having adult partners who I can sleep next to every night. A mystery back then and a book now.

2024-09-30 Monday

12:35am
I woke up with a ton of ideas to write about. Thoughts of Robert Pirsig's second book Lila and the card filing system. Windows/Computer file structes. Organization. Getting it out of my head. Making a list.

Transgender Surgery - It's very exotic. Is it a train wreck? Not enough information. It likely is in a way. If you live decently long, it may be equivelant to any type of risk taking behavior or exploration.

Mars Mission - Again, not enough informaion. I feel like I'm in 2010 now in a conversation between SAL and Bob Balaban. It could be the most important thing we do as a species. It could just be a because we could thing. Personally, I feel I've been trained musically to do it that way. Am I making a choice between that and transgender surgery? It's hard to tell. Is there a backup? Most likely. Is it a contest? If there is a backup, yes. Not enough information. I typically just prepare for both. Certainly trained on the computer front and many others as well. Is there a backup? Perhaps they are just choosing the one who has the better training. It may be me. I'm in a weird place in life. It's to be expected I suppose.

The idea of taking a payoff. I almost can't even relate anymore. What would I do mentally if I had some kind of reward? A sex party? I mean, I don't know quite how to aquire that, but if there were people here who knew who I was, had an incredible sexy look about them and wanted to cuddle, that would be great. Then what would happen tomorrow? Hopefully more of the same. That goes back to that Miles Davis story. It sounds great to me. I don't know how to make that happen. Is that a comedy show? Do I want to be with young people? Well, look at me. Do I want to be with a bunch of worn out people? I'm a fucking rocks star on that level. Always have been.

Speaking of rocks stars and sex symbols, there is the things that drove me. With Sting, it was mainly the yoga influence. It was in high school when I picked it up. Dream of the Blue Turtles album cover I suppose. Mixed with John Coltrane's Ole album. And a few other jazz albums like that. Reading Autobiography of a Yogi and the stories of a master/apprentice relationship. Going from meditation session to meditation session. Stories of levitation. Sting posting throughout the decades of the imagry of his Catholic upbringing and how my Indian studies through that book and that music was my foundation of that type. I have never been in a church with anyone in my family.

Body type, I was more of a Geddy Lee "tomboy" type follower. Not sure how much I hooked my mind on that though. I leaned more towards the Sting meditation side, so there was a mix of the two. I stood my ground with Sting time after time when he would preach about how everything comes down to Love. I'm solidly on the Rush side with Neil's lyrics. Just the last few days I've become extremely proud of how my writing is a following of the books of Neil's that I have read. The day to day travels mixed with the philosophy of it all. I've been doing this thing for decades. It doesn't pay well, but the work is amazing.

I'm a completely out of this world rock star. The gold standard in some ways and then I'm just some bozo sketchy recovering (I'm actually recovered) drug person trying to get a job because she kind of train wrecked her good paying software job that she enjoyed. The fact is that I enjoy politics and think it is important for a few people to be doing that. Certainly all of the people I've been working with in those jobs had not been actively working up to presidential runs for a quarter century. This is what I do for work, actually a job (even though it is not paying yet). Whether it is an actual president thing or simply a zen guru thing I don't know. I find these yoga studios, massage places, nail places, hair places all to be very odd. Hard for me to imagine pepole doing that work for a living and very hard wrap my head around why would would mine all that material for those cars so they can do it like that. I've been to strip clubs about 4 times in my life. They were always agonizing experiences until the last time. The last time, I enjoyed watching the pole dancing. I though to myself that I would like to do that activity. I'm good at movement like that. Then I realized what a ball crusher it would be. I was in my feminine clothing, I think that presidential grey coat and miniskirt and realized that I may have surgery one day and be able to do that. It was an amazing idea. Then there was a wonderfully cute girl who wanted to take me into the back room. I don't know if it was her lead or mine, but I just had her lay on my chest. Just her head just below mine on my chest. We did that for an hour or so. It was like, nice that she would just be there with me.

I'm fairly tortured. The music scene here and that video of Greg this spring. Greg saying something on the video about making a fool out of yourself on national TV. Someone else suggesting that in a meeting I was going to regularly a year or two ago. Is that how people see me? It's lost on me. Sure, I was put through some ridiculous stuff this summer, but it's not like that was my first choice of things to do. I was either heavily triggered or just put into a situation where I had no good options. I enjoy my music. I think I look fabulous. I have incredible physical and mental skills. I'm not embarrased in any way about who I am or most of what I do.

Trucking school. I'm looking forward to it. I've had to delay it a couple times because of technical things and just plain needing some time to rest. There is my presidential campaign too. I'm totally disconnected to what people know about it. Trying to figure it out is a dead end for me. I'm simply here at the ready. Working on doing the trucking thing. All this writing, all these ideas that are possibly wildly delusional about my life, in some ways I'm just another person working on getting a job. I'm studying the class C driver manual. I'm thimking about the road and the signs out there. Looking at traffic patterns. Thinking about the 3 points of contact of the wheels on the truck with a trailer. On a bicycle, your rear wheel kind of just follows. Trails behind. Anything behind you kind of does, but that 3 point contact creates that other reality. I guess I don't have better words for it yet. Turning onto a road that has two lanes going in the same direction and turning into the left lane and then bringing it back to the right lane. I'm thinking about what the other students may be like. Where they are in their lives. Ages. Families. Friends. Finances. What they do for fun. I"m curious.

The idea that transgender surgery would put me in that class with Kurt Cobain and Jimi Hendrix. And John Belushi. Well, I"m certianly older than all of them, so I have less to lose. Patty died at 64 years old, essentially from a lifetime of drinking it appeared. On some level, I don't see myself as any different. I do my best to stay sober but I'm also working on having a good time. I enjoy woprking. Not sure how useful people see these things that I do, but there is a lot of production. I'm not drinking out of a beer bottle with no artifact left behind. I've got 100 musical compositions recorded. I'm not the only one, but I am one of them. I'm getting old. I have no dependents. Delcina is the only person in my life right now who isn't just a business relationship. The only one. Well, there is the underground element of Sting still on the fringes in the silicon. I had stopped following him last year, but.... Well, who knows. I have some fun on the internet!


I guess those are the major topics off the morning. I could work the political angle on all of them now. It's 1:49am now. One of the things they mention in the class A driver manual is about he importance of sleep. I'm certainly getting less sleep that I used to. The presidential and US Rep campaigns became absolutely crazy and I was only getting 4 hours of sleep a night for at least 6 months. More like a year. I am getting more sleep now, but certainly not 8 hours a night. I'm feeling fine though. It's just intellectual stimulation as far as I can tell. I am taking HRT, but I don't think it is a speed thing at all. I have my paranoias about the testosterone blocker. Is it meth? Is it cocaine? Just a low dose? I don't know what it is. I know it stops my morning erections which is relaxing. I know it lowers my male sex drive which is feminizing. I know I want to continue feminizing. I always thought I had a good male thing going on. I see men in a different way now. I'm observing things they do, stereotypical behavior, that I was not aware of before and could never do. From my feminizing perspective, I kind of like some of these things and that is very odd. And I'm giggling now and that makes me feel feminine. I love how I've been masturbating from a feminine perspective lately. The idea of being fucked by a man and being able to wrap my arms around him. I haven't thought about that until recently. Holding on to him. It doesn't work too well with my mail equipment there. I figure that you don't give yourself surgery, you don't send yourself to Mars, it's not easy to become president. There is not much more I can do on any of those fronts rather than continue to do my writing and the things that got me to this place in life where these seem like real possibilities. I'll run out of money within a year and the trucking thing is my best easy idea for making money. I think I'd be good at the job. I don't know how to convince anyone to get me into those other positions. What can I do?

I despise being a superstar train wreck who kills themselves in an overdose. Why would I do transgender surgery? What exmaple am I making for other people? It gets very complicated intellectually. Bringing that down to the politics of population decline. The whole tipping point theory. It could be a radical and rather sudden cultural shift. It would be easy to implement in the government. I don't know what you all know. I know what I know. I know what you show me. I know what I feel. Sitting on this floor. The taste of this cup of coffee. That I woke up with a different soreness because of the new futon that I did not make into a bed last night. The memory that I have been sleeping on the futon almost every night for the last two years. The theory, based on past experience, that this futon back pain will subside. It's not like I was going crazy to get another bed after sleeping on the futon for two months. I've always enjoyed them.

Some beautiful younger women around my place. Some of their transwoman looking friends. Maybe some masculine but accepting fun men mixed in. Or just one or two very respectful people coming over who know who I am and would like to learn from me or otherwise experience me. In a lot of ways, I'm already incredibly exotic. Of course if you are a watching NFL type person or into thrash music, it may not work so well. You know, there needs to be a level of compatibility. It's not like I'm going to be cooking you a steak!

I'm basically snapping soft core porn pictures of myself the last few days. I'm blown away by how good I look. I'm just incredible. The multiple computer programs I've coded to take these pictures. The decades of working on my website and with designers to get a better eye for style and color. I'm just highly advanced on so many levels. And it was all just because I enjoy working. And was inspired musically from Thara when I was young. Just hearing him play. Trumpet and drums. And all of the recordings of course. Incredible recordings. I love the work. If my recordings are inspiring other people, well, wow, what can I say about that? I know I listen to them frequently and enjoy them. Inspired works with decades of passion and grit behind them. These things that I do are worth something and the payoff should be simple cuddling with beautiful respectful people who are fans. It seems simple enough if they actually exist.


Body type role models. It's not like I had any pictures of Christie Brinkley, but I did use her as the idea body type for me. There are all these male musicians who are mentors and people I follow and learn from. There are a lot of women on the radio now. It was very masculine in the environment I grew up in. The music was incredible and it was fun to be doing music. The set the bar impossibly high and I enjoy keeping at it.

Giggling again. Being in the bedroom with a muscular guy. It's fun. That is something to do in this world.

Well, the one guy I was with was a little flabby, but he had some weight about him. I'm a litte toothpick and I asked him to push me around a bit. And he did! It was amazing, but he didn't do it for very long. It was nice to ask for something and get it. At that point he had earned some trust from me. He had shown me that he had power and was respectful. He wanted me to have a good time. I've just completely femininzed in some way. Taking deep breaths now. Not sure why or if it matters. I'd have a difficult time being like him. However you get to a destination, it's where you are.

Being a role model. Or just being a person wondering how others perceive you and how you are effecting them. Thinking of others following me. Where am I leading them as the song goes.

And allowing myself to have a life. To have feelings and desires. And thinking how that may not be any different than anyone else. I always enjoyed my male sexuality, but I was not getting what I needed from women with that. Whether they were in the wrong or I was doesn't matter now. Direct communication. Indirect communication. Teamwork. It appears I have completely feminized on some level. These pictures of me are no longer what I want, they are what I am. It's not that I particularly want to be with men exclusively now. And I'd certainly love to be in a house of women who look like I do now. But there is a feminizing change in me where I am one of them. I've always been passive in the bedroom on some level and my only desire there is to be 100% passive now. Although it isn't a total show stopper, my having male parts makes that difficult for me, so I desire surgery, like I have always fantasized about but never thought was possible. Still not sure it is possible or practical in any way.

Bringing this back to the political end. This oil will stop eventually. It could be soon. I could happen quickly. It may be that we have been producing all of these cars with the idea of cutting off the gas mostly and then having them sit around as vechicles that will last a long time. I wouldn't doubt it. It appears that these large internet wires in the cities are built to last and are obviously not going away. And there are the freaky looming cell towers and all things wireless. Technology does not go away, but the things might, will, eventually.


I've been saying this for almost a year now, so I'll highlight it here again: Why would oil/gas run out suddenly? It's much like the gas tank in your car. You can keep driving like normal until it is empty, then it just stops and you need to put more in. The oil wells are esseentially the same thing. We can of course ration it the same as you could ration your gas in your car, but you are likely not going to do that. You'd have to get used to a significantly different lifestyle to do that kind of rationing and most people would be totally frustrated with that. And it would run out really soon anyway, so what is the point?

It's probably more about the oil running out than the pollution factor, but of course the pollution factor is pretty major too. It's just that trees have always burned and there is cycle to the carbon. We do a lot of nasty things though and the high energy of oil gives us the power to do that.

I don't get overly paranoid about these ideas. I actually think it would be a great development and believe that a lot of planning went into it. I do believe they will flick a switch one day and it may come soon or in our lifetimes. I don't believe what we see in some news that oil will last hundreds of years. Could be, maybe not though. I don't have that information. I'm just kind of a speculatilve fluffy writter on that level.

Unless you think there is significance to all these centipedes I've had in my house lately and the Micropede game I coded on the streets in 2004. May just be some joke though.



People may think it is a joke me being in a bikini. LOL! I love it! Giggling. Maybe I'll be crying on my death bed. Maybe not! Maybe people are laughing with me? I'm certainly not a drag performer. I am this transwoman through and through! Of course I do need a medication now to feel good about the whole thing. My body can detransition a bit, but my mind doesn't seem as flexible. And that may just go back decades and decades. To childhood. Whether I was programmed/taught to be like this does not matter. This is the way I am. I'm having a fabulous time with it. These pictures now are awesome, but you know, last summer was the minidresses and the year before was the pantyhose and business slacks and the year before was thigh highs and well, the years roll on.


I just saw a picture of a typical big band rehearsal. I'm thankful I'm not doing that now. I've done a lot of that in my life. I enjoy the music I play now, how and where I play it. Yes, being in an apartment kind of sucks. I'm not playing much yet because of wanting to be quiet, but I'm sure I'll figure it out. I'm kind of wanting to take a little break anyway. I played a lot of music last year and made a lot of nice recordings. This keyboard and bass are awesome. I know this 404 is going to work out well. I'm hopeful that some nice fans will show up in my life and apartment. I'm working on doing this trucking thing and my political thing still rolls along. I'm happily transgender. I've just got it going on. I've been totally freaked out by bands on every level. Not into it at all. Like I've been posting lately, I simply need some fans of mine around me to show me some love and appreciation. On the student level, I think I'd rather teach about sobriety and lifestyle than about music. I've tried many times to start giving music lessons and there was just no true respect there. I'm done with that. If people are beating down my door saying they want to study music with me, well that would be great. It's silent here now though and there is laundry to do and a Class C and Class A driver manual sitting on the floor. I'm having fun with these pictures and writing. It's the same cricket scene on the politics end. I'm fine with being old, alone and transgender. I'd rather not be alone, but you know, I'm not the only one with that problem.


Perhaps it is another music joke from decades ago that revolves around me? I mean, I'm really quite priviledged to be even serious considering that this is my reality. I posted about it a week ago. The moment on Miles' Dingo album where he says to his student/fan "I don't play trumpet." There is likely a common thing with us brass players though. Or perhaps it is just me. I enjoy playing trombone for about 5-10 minutes a day. Beyond that, I'm not so into it. I don't listen to trombone players other than the occasional JJ Johnson recording. I love JJ. I love Nat Adderly on those recordings. All of my favorite musicians are bass players. And I've been playing solo music for a quarter century and piano is just amazing. There is no piano in this apartment. The keyboard is amazing, but the keys are really stiff. The difference between the 1938 worn out, loose piano and the brand new keyboard. Well, I guess I'm getting all giggly and sexual about that! I'm well preserved because of the coffee and onions!

The rice helps too!

2024-09-29

5:33am
The shape of my pillow.

Moving on is essential, but there are elements of the past that we cannot live without.

2024-09-28 Saturday

4:44am
I certainly come at this political thing from a different angle than people are used to. The line from Contact "God's Diplomat" comes to mind. I'm extremely seperated from society. It doesn't mean that I spend my time walking in the woods. I enjoy that of course. I enjoy our cities. I enjoy the sewer systems and spent large amounts of time just completely awed at how all that works. Just beyond the scope of my studies. Sure, I could learn it. Maybe I'll learn more someday, but there are so many things like that to learn it seems impossible to learn them all. Well, and keep up with my musical studies/work of course.

The thing that is really pressing down on me the last 6 months or so is teamwork and unions. And groups in general. And it becomes a thing not of whether they are good or bad but of whether they are good or bad for the times we live in. And the times we are headed into.

The general knowlege of middle eastern culture that I was taught is that the don't drink alcohol and that they drink coffee and play backgammon. There is the thing with women wearing the clothing they do and this idea of men treating them badly, or like possessions or whatever. To me, the coffee and not alcohol is a big deal. I'm the same way. In some ways, everything I do is based on coffee. And it's not about the caffine at all as far as I can tell. I was served a 4 shots of espresso drink the other day and could tell it was high caffine. I knew it would just make me jittery and sick feeling and I'm not all that into the taste of it either, so I gave it back to them.

I made a CD of my favorite JJ Johnson songs in the mid-1990's. I made a cover for it using Photoshop 5.5 with this picture of JJ with a clipboard and I believe his horn hanging from his arm. One of his songs is called Coffee Pot. It's kind of a decpetion I believe. It's a really simple song with not much to it. But the image comes to mind of him drinking coffee in the morning with that clipboard doing some music composition. And the idea of Sting's Murder by Numbers and that coffee reference among several others.

There is a downside to everything and there is certainly a downside to coffee. There is also obviously a downside to alcohol as well. One thing good about alcohol is that it may be a preservative for water. Like they say that coffee and alcohol is dehydrating, they are both primarily water. I've certainly suvived many, many days mostly only drinking coffee and not eating at all.

There is the whole agricultural end to it all. I'm excited about where humanity is headed. And it's not just this world music city zen extended "party". The advanced future culture and their buildings. I don't think we are going to be able to make that for everyone. With a declining population, I predict a tipping point. I'd say it is likely that I am involved in some kind of bridge at that moment. A cultural bridge.

I do a lot of writing here on my public websites. The way I live my life facilitates this writing. I get frustrated at the things I go through in life, but everyone struggles with that. Things are good today. I have a mostly empty apartment home with woodish flooring. It's a bit of a Zen dream come true for me this space. I'm sure it is very much like a majority of apartments around town. I'm older and just cashed in my life savings, so there is an element of luxery in it. I'm not 20 years old wondering how I can afford something basic. I'm quite knowledgable about what I need and don't need and essentially all my needs are almost here.

"What is the meaning?" I've explored this in depth too.


With all the writing I've been doing lately, it seems timely that I post my ib picture gallery: ib. I figure that if you have drilled this far into my site you are either a hard core enemy or a hard core fan. This is me, your presidential candidate.


3:10pm
Certainly a big part of my job as I see it is to continue this blog. The idea of writing a book seems kind of dated now.



I guess I covered that topic well enough. There is the sexual side going on with me today. Transition. Male to female is what I'm doing and the years roll by and I keep going in that direction. It's absolutely wonderful. I did go through moments of pondering detransition this summer. It has happened before and it was pretty major this summer because I dumped all my medications on my journey. I dumped everything. So then I went through a month or more of chemical detransition and it made me have morning erections again and start masturbating. My mind resisted masturbation thoughts from a male perspective. So by doing that, it was another feminine experience taking me farther on the transition journey. It brought me closer to women, thinking about things they may think about during sex. It's been absolutely wonderful. Back on medications now, with money for a new wardrobe and a comfortable place for a few days, I'm feeling absolutely wonderful.

Will I have sex with a woman again? I can't absolutely rule that out. My mind is rejecting it, but of course it sounds like fun. But I don't think it would work well. I'm certainly physically a little different now, but my mind does not want to experience the male side of it anymore. Women are fabulous though and it would be an incredible cuddle event. Who knows what would happen?

I am very resistent to a party scene though. The democratic party, a sex party, a music party. I'm just not a party person like that. More accurately, I'm not a group person. Anything larger than 4 people it seems would become a group. Four people doesn't mean two couples exactly. That is the classical configuration, but it is more about the size than the genders to me. The intimacy of it all. You know, I'm completely sober. Sure, I play some funky music that could be considered porn music, but you know, I make a lot of music. I certainly don't interpret my RM music like that or the romantic phase before that. I've been riding the bus all week listening to my RM music and I'm just blown away by how cool it is. I'd certainly want any group of people coming here to cuddle to know all about that part of me. I'm a well rounded individual. I'm feminizing. I see myself as a teacher too. How did I say that in one of my recent posts? It was about Mike and George. I don't even have to look it up. I read it this morning. I said "Mike and George both said that they had never played a gig. I told them that I had played thousands of gigs. Yet my input was largely ignored." Will I ever be good enough or in a position where someone would be my student?

I'm still learning. Every waking moment. I've become a machine like that. I essentially don't know how to turn off anymore. If I am doing the dishes, I'm thinking about every movement I'm making. Comparing my movements to previous movements. Observing the feel of the room I am in. Thinking about the condition of the bowl I am washing. Wondering if the dishwasher would be more efficient. Thinking about water movement around the region. People might think this is OCD, but I enjoy it. The older I get, the more fun I have being this way. And I've become quite advanced at what I do. Certianly not perfect. Perhaps perfect in some things, some times. Mistakes happen and they can lead to discoveries if you are paying attention. I don't make mistakes on purpose, but I do observe them. I wouldn't wreck on my bicycle on purpose, but if it is happening I'm working on going with the flow and making it a perfect mistake. If I hurt myself, I want to know where I went wrong.

It's not that I don't relax. I slept a good 8 hours last night on the floor. My bed was delivered today and I'm looking forward to not sleeping on the floor. I sleep well on the floor. It does hurt. No pain, no gain as the saying goes. Not sure about that all the time. It's uncomfortable and it downright hurts causing me to roll around more than I normally would. Be when I wake up, I feel just as refreshed as I would sleeping in a bed. Perhaps because I have so much practice at it. I have learned that I miss having a couch or chair. Without a couch or chair, my body complains. It's not sleeping on the hard surface, it's not being able to lean back in a chair properly that messes my body up. I don't have to do it much. Probably just like 20 minutes a day. I enjoy being on the floor. A lot of my lifestyle is based on sitting on the floor. Chairs and couches are great though. I'm holding off on getting a chair, but I'm sure one or two will show up eventually. This is a bad position to be typing in, but the look of these monitors and being on the floor is amazing! I'm having a lot of fun with it and want to draw it out as much as I can.

6:42pm
It's a point I came to the other day. It's funny how you can know something so well and then you condense it down into a one sentence phrase and it just locks it in as to what it is.

We live in a highly advertised world. Printed T-Shirts, Tattoos, TV in Restaurants. Location.


Are people turning against email? Do people want phone calls? How was long distance communication done before electricity?

How long ago was that?


9:18pm
I keep on remembering that scene with Miles Davis talking about how a cop pulled him over when he was driving a fancy car and the cop was under the impression that he stole it, presummably because he was black. I just love the way he talks in that interview! Just the way he says it. I feel like I've been in a similar situation. Here I am walking in heels on the freeway and a cop is telling me that I have to cut it out. I'm saying that I'm a presidential candidate, a vicitim of character assassination, and I need to get back to Oregon to get an ID so I can access my money from the sale of my house. I have absolutely no money, you don't want me hitchhiking here and there is no other road to get there. How am I supposed to do that? And his response is "that's not my problem." To protect and to serve? I mean, it's his district. He's got a car. He's going south obviously. He says he is concerned about my safety. I'm like "Without money, I'm not even going to be able to eat. I'm willing to take some chances! I do appreciate that I'm a danger to the cars out here on some of the narrow passages. Do you have a better way?"

It's just this ridiculousness that I get into. Political training I guess. Interesting life at worst.

2024-09-27 Friday

8:59am
When I type "gaslighting" into the Wikipedia search this morning, it suggests "Gaslighting: Misleading someone into doubting reality." Just putting that here because I mentioned that word and I don't know what other people's definition of it is. Reading the page the other day, it talks essentially about someone telling you you are incorrect yet you know you are telling the truth. And that they (plural) are so persistent that you essentially have no choice but to doubt reality yourself. It feels like this has been done to me to the extreme. Possibly as training for some big world job. Zen guru, Mars mission, executive gigs, perhaps even king of the world. I just know that it seems I am highly advanced intellectually and physically from all of this training. Am I making choices now? Was I ever? How important is this gig? Does it even exist? How do your teams function at work? Where does an artist come up with an idea of what to paint today? How do computers work? The sum of two pictures stored next to each other? 64 bit scientific calculators? The limits of 12 notes and why we love them so much?

That Little House on the Prairie episode with the kids and the audio recording device. Charles being against it. Saying that he doesn't get it. The best music in the world transmitted to our environment and played over and over until we have essentially heard it all. Taking speed to become better faster, then getting to the finish line and wondering what to do. Young people coming up and learning on the internet when all we had was a small encyclopia set and a deck of cards. It's an amazing world out there!

The political thought I have today is Decentralized but interconnected. Both physically and intellectually. I suppose thoughts of the last couple days have come back down to Rustic Weirdness.

I know some things technically. Not sure what our other presidential candidates know. The idea of the encyclopedia set and the idea of how much information can be stored on a couple computers inside of a cell tower. It could help the effort of the massive server farms we now have. I'm doing my best to own just one battery; the battery in my phone. I'm a producer and use a computer, but my computer just has that one watch battery in it. Or at least it says it does. Why does it need it? To keep track of the time? I suppose I have one on my wrist and my computer.... Well, it kind of comes in handy.

Rebuilding my life is interesting. I use internet on my phone for my mini pc. Since I don't watch any streaming videos or music, my usage is low unless I'm downloading some software. I've got enough mp3 files to study for a lifetime. At least. My computer is Windows 11. It's lower power than my other computers and I'm not doing professional coding work now. I picked up two monitors for $20/each. When I was making museum apps, monitor quality was a bigger issue. With the utility app coding, music recording and blogging I do, monitor quality doesn't matter that much. I've had some monitors with big scratches in them, dead pixels. Not a big deal for a lot of things. I've had a monitor a long time ago that had discoloration that was making it hard to work with the fine design work that I was given.

Maybe other presidents and presidential candidates can relate to what I'm experiencing with so many thoughts on so many big subjects that I can't keep them in my head all at once. My mind is linear and my field of vision is limited to about 6 letter size pieces of paper. These ideas come back from a few weeks ago and get pulled up with whatever else is on the table at that moment. It creates another combination to consider. My political thoughts and experiences in my environment from months ago still exist and matter, but I can question if it all really happened. Is it still going on? Are we headed into a different world like I suggested? Are people scared of it and therefore not voting or supporting me? Am I responsible for the change or is it happening anyway? What is my role in this thing and what is the thing?

I've always seen my role as that of an outsider looking in. I'm a simple worker. Certainly not the most productive worker out there! But you know, there are a lot of people employed in the chiropractor industry. Repairing small dents in car doors to fulfill insurance requirement rules coming down from government officials to preserve a civil order and some level of beauty.

What is decentralized rustic weirdness? Well, I want to get my nails painted. I've done it a few times before on my own and it was acceptable, but not really fun because of the angles of doing it on myself. Quality could have been better too. Better tools, products and more informed actions could probably help. I think it is excessive for people to work in these nail shops 8 hours a day. Racing all over town in expensive cars and their clients coming there too. Them stuck in the same repitition. How hard is it to learn to do nails? It certainly takes less than a decade of full time work to learn!

I often think "Do they enjoy their work, hours and environment?" I'd rather get my nails done from my partner or close friend. We could do each other's nails. We could learn the process. If we need special tools, we could travel to the studio every three weeks to use them. We could book a timeslot online. That would be an example of Decentralized, right? The main problem with it is legal. If the equipment is shared, it still needs to be cleaned properly which is a huge problem with those studios as far as I understand. Is the solution for more people to own the tools in our private residences or is it to come up with a better process for managing cleaning in a shared environment?

Is this what our other presidential candidates think about? Are they talking to people all day long? Is this an intellectual job? Is it a social job? Is there a better way of doing things? A better refrigerator? A new gadget for the future? A new invention discovery for something like wireless technology that will change the world? Are we evolving an extrasensory perception through this wireless technology? Is that a product to make a profit off of? A new job to work? Something better than playing music? Better than amplified bass?


Every instrument has a sweet spot melodically. You can get quite good at transferring that to every key, but the sweet spot still exists.

2024-09-26 Thursday

4:38am
I'm coming into my spot as an introverted leader. Whether I'm just some fringe thing or this is going to be the main direction we are all going is unclear. I've been thinking of Sexy Sadie lately. And the line "Being pretty's my only crime." And it's like what I've been going through the last month is the end of the movie Risky Business. Ridiculous!

7:43pm
I've got this creative computer setup with two monitors sitting on the floor. It's bad ergonomics, but I have snapped many beautiful pictures with it. I'm not sure what to do about the need for a chair and other physical items in my place. I'm so sick of spending money and seeing how little of my life savings I still have left. It's reasonable for me to take a little break right now. I cooked my first curry in months this afternoon.

The idea now is to get my nails painted pink and then do trucking school. These three dresses I have are really working out. I love them! They remind me of the dress I wore on the streets. Same shape. Works well with or without pants/tights. I was upset at having to wear that flannel jacket that reminded me of Thara on the streets. It was a good jacket, so of course I appreciated its utility. Perhaps the jacket and the dress were both given to me to make me think about that. There was no negative trigger with the dress. Perhaps there waS some tension about wearing it. I don't have that kind of macho side though, so there wasn't much there. I thought of it as a Jedi thing. Now I'm seeing it as feminine. What I'm doing today. There is no guilt or shame about doing either of these. The negative triggers with Thara. Well, not quite sure what to say about all of that. We have a strange musical family and I'm a huge underground part of it. Thara always saying "Man or Machine". And then when I got out of the Navy I had some extremely brief interactions with him. Him saying that "they will be able to control your bowels". It's just disturbing 1984 stuff that is likely true and has been haunting me for decades. And how I'll talk with Sam about it and his gaslighting efforts to label me as insane. And that backed up by the VA and other hospitals locking me up and labeling me as delusional. What can I tell these people? It seems reasonable that we have technological powers to do a "Radio Head" type of thing. How do these cell phones work? What is the resonance frequency of an antennea? Or the resonance frequency of your desktop table? What is the overtone series? People treat me as if I were insane, but the reality is likely that I am way more advanced than almost anyone I meet. I have no credibility though. Other than the music on my website, which should absolutely be enough. I just learned the definition of gaslighting a few days ago.

In any case, I'm feeling great! Looking forward to pink nails! Enjoying some new clothing. Realizing the reality of my permanently changing life. Looking forward to seeing if I can make this trucking career happen. Hey, it seems like we still have to move stuff around the world, right? I can certainly lend a hand with that. Some part of me would rather do the sex change operation. I don't know how to do that or make that work without declaring myself disabled. I absolutely will not do that. If I can get gender change surgery and have a source of income that is respectable or have some respect in the matter, then that is what I would like to do. I'm curious about trucking though and I pretty much hate medical stuff. I have not been shown that surgery works. I was on Medicade briefly so that I could talk to the doctor that apparently does this in town. I stopped that so I could get back on feminizing hormones because my prescriber wouldn't prescribe to me as long as I was on that. These medical people are insane. I'm also getting weird conflicting information from the transgender community. I was scolded online for suggesting that I need physical proof of someone having this surgery before I sign up for it. I can't think of anything that makes more sense than that. I mean, hey, if I'm the first one to do it, then I get the risk. But if I'm not, and people are saying this is a thing, and I'm in the market for it, then why would you not show me proof? Are they all playing games with me? Logic says they must be. My gaslighting reality says that the level of fear and paranoia around this is neccesary to go through the procedure.

The Frequency of Addiction

2024-09-25 Wednesday

1:39am
Paranoia is part of my gig. I'm a master at deflecting the idea that "people are out to get me." I find that phrase a little ridiculous. Obviously being an actual victim of charater assassination, there is some reason to think that I have some enemies out there!

I think I'm fine though. I mostly get paranoid about sex change surgery. I'm looking at this picture I took of myself a couple hours ago. I'm wearing this colored silky dress and my Sketchers sandal heels with the cork base. And the line "The more that things change, the more they stay the same." I look the same as I did 30 years ago in my silk robe back then. I like this dress better than the silk robe. That robe was a little too thin and the nature of it being open in the front and the smoothness of the thin silk made it hard to keep it closed. I didn't see myself as transgender back then like I do now. Perhaps others did though? This is just the way I am and always have been. It's my personal connection to the universe. The way I move through it.

A thought that came up in my travels yesterday how some people live to be social and other people like me live more to experience living. I have massive appreciation for the objects humans have created. It's fun building. The 4d motion of it all. Engaging the mind and body usually. Some of our work is social. And certainly without social relationships, we would not last long as a species.

It's kind of a liberal/addict mentality. Like going skiing every day. Perhaps I don't like the analogy. It exists, but it may not be a strong bond.

We're alive. It's amazing. My family watched M*A*S*H. Sam and his mom watched Cheers. I was thinking about M*A*S*H. The two main characters in my mind. Alan Alda and Radar. I'm actually really into Radar. He represents the aburdity of things and also military precision.


Looking back on my musical life, I think I've only jammed with Spencer. I played one gig with Sam. I jammed once with Shaun. Shaun did make the meditation drumming sessions with me and Spencer. I recorded twice with Spencer and Dwayne. It was the only two times I played with Dwayne outside of work. And we didn't play together at work much either.

Looking back on it, my closest friend outside of my marriages was Nathan. Sam and I were close for sure. Sam is my best friend. But Nathan and I spent intimate time together doing pair bicycling.

OK, there was George and Mike as well. We sure did have a lot of fun playing! We got together about 5 times.

I never left any of the jazz jam sessions in town feeling good. It was always a drag for me to go there and well, just a drag the whole time. In the end, I was going with Sam and I had changed my name to Rachel and had my nice clothes going on and went to eat and not play. I enjoyed that much more. Not the music really, but being there eating some food and trying to relax at that scene.

I avoided the rock scenes in town because I thought they would be different but similar. I mean, I listen to Rush, Sting, The Police, a little Billy Joel and I used to listen to a little Alanis Morressette. The rest is jazz, mostly without lyrics. Alanis was the only one I listened to from my generation or really any generation since. This is the way I operate. It allows me to do what I do musically. I'm kind of a done deal like that, I will not let in any more influences. In fact, I've been realizing that I probably would have done better musicially if I had done my own thing more and not listened to anybody else.

It's like, Mike and George both said that they had never played a gig. I told them I had played thousands of gigs. Yet my input was mostly ignored.

It's obvious that I've been trained to doubt my skills and that keeps me working harder and harder. Is this presidential stuff doing anything? I'm not running for legislative office anymore and I'm not dumping any money or traditional campaigning into my candidacy. It's a curiosity whether I'll get write in votes.

I've got a frustrating, beautiful gig in life. Thinking of gender change surgery this morning I'm leaning towards the idea of the procedure being mostly internal. Fistula seems impossible to avoid, but you know, people do advanced things and maybe they have this figured out? It would be amazing to not have a penis and wow, for it to be inverted.

Just a couple more days here and I should have my futon couch/bed. I enjoy being on the floor, but it makes a big difference being able to sit on a couch a little bit each day. It's not fun sleeping on a hard surface, but it doesn't affect my sleep all that much. Sitting for 20 minutes a day though seems to do wonders for my back.

The jazz jam sessions were a waste of time for me. I should have been stronger and not pretended that I wanted to go. I'm proud that I joined the Navy though. It was largely a similar scene, but I got a lot out of it.

2024-09-24 Tuesday

9:01am
Seeing "Black Lives Matter" is a negative trigger for me in much the way that "Jesus Saves" is a negative trigger. I'm getting to a point of intellectual tolerance to that/them this morning. My transgender thing is a trigger too!! A major trigger. Probably a negative trigger for many people. It's no different on the trigger level.

I'm not doing this to trigger people. This is my life and I'm enjoying how I look and feel. And exploring my personal feelings about gender and sexuality. I'm doing it publiclly. In much the same way as anyone, like a black person, or someone with large breasts, or a large cock, goes out in public and can't change the way they look. Perhaps I can change, perhaps I can't. This is the way I am now. How I got here is up for debate and an interesting story for me to pass the time thinking and writing about.

Black Lives Matter is especially weird for me as a jazz musician of course. The idea here this morning is that they are doing their thing and I am doing my thing. Most of us have to go out in public to work and essentially all of us have to go out to get food and other essentials. I'd love to be in a community with a bunch of people like me. In a culture that I would really enjoy. I've had an impossibly hard time finding that my entire life, so that isn't about transgenderism at all. In thinking of that this week, I've come to a huge appreciation for my friendships with Spencer and Nathan B. I had an excellent time with them in the 90's. I can't say enough about how special my time with them was.

4:37pm
Back home. Interesting day out in the world. Dealing with all the triggers. It's certainly not just Black Lives Matter. Almost everything out there packs a negative trigger for me. I'm getting a little desensitized to it, but I'm under the assumption that I'll never "recover" from that. I actually have no desire to. I mostly just want to be alone and trucking seems like it would be good for that. Not as good as programming from home of course. I've been in a good place for my personality this last decade.

Before leaving the house, I was thinking about Miles Davis' time after Big Fun. At least the stories I heard from videos and reading is that he took like a 5 year break from music and did a lot of drugs and had a lot of sex. And that during the time before that, he was sick. And I have been listening to my RM music for 24 hours straight and I'm just extremely happy with what I recorded there. There is certainly no way I'm ever going to intentionally get intoxicated again, but I do think a break from music and sex/touching would be the best thing for me. I desire this transgender surgery. I know it's insane. I'm triggered to think that it is really aweful physically. Smelling like urine. Open sores. Who knows? But that is just a trigger. I have no actual proof other than the logic that cutting into your body like that, loss of blood, internal type healing. I visited the anatomy section of the downtown library a couple weeks ago. N9t much there. Unfortunately, sex with women is pretty much off the table for me. I don't enjoy women being more assertive than me and I want to be 100% passive.

It seems unreasonable that I am not paid for all this work I've done on my website. I should be able to afford to do any of these ideas. That's frustrating and I'm powerless over that situation. I'm sick to death of those games that are not producing anything other than great music, apps etc.... The no income part sucks and I'm grasping at straws. I am still looking forward to trucking. I see the compatibility logic of it. If someone has a better way for me to do this, it would be great if you would step up and help. Of course I'm not looking for a party. That's what makes this so difficult. I'd actually be totally content to be alone, as a transwoman double widdow, drinking my expresso at home and just be very mellow and quiet not having to work.

Obviously I'm hungry and tired and it is evening! But the decades roll along like this and I keep hoping for something physical, something nice. Touch, real love and understanding. Fans. People seeing me on the streets and me not having t9o explain about my being a presidential candidate. It's very awkward and hard on me.

2024-09-22 Sunday

11:38pm
I awoke just now to the thought What is addiction?. I'm in this sexual writing mode right now. Maybe this is my main life purpose, these posts? I'm eager to explore this right now....

Is it repetition? Is it compulsion? Is it addiction if it harms you physically? Mentally?

Is it addiction if it is harming someone else physically and/or emotionally?

Is it addiction if you want to stop but can't?

The thing that is bugging me in the last 6 hours is having this person in my life a year ago who was essentially labeling me as a sex addict. This was about a year after I was fully out of the closet and this person had never known me any other way. Certainly the labeling was about being a porn addict. And this person was essentially a person who is labelling me this because he was the same way. He never shared enough of his story with me to know for sure, that is just the impression he was presenting to me. I'm actually quite bugged that he would not share his story with me.

So, do I consider myself a porn addict? What is porn addiction? What is porn? What is masturbation?

For me, it was built on desire. From my childhood. Built on the magazines available to me from my father. I never bought a magazine in a store. They magazines, primarily Playboy magazines in the 80's and then early 90's, depicted beautiful, exotic women, who showed a sexuality that was not in my environment. Perhaps my thing sexually was a thing of not seeing my mom as sexy in any way. I know a lot of transwomen who say they would wear their mother's clothing or sister's clothing. I essentially didn't have any of that. Her clothing certainly would not fit me. I believe I did experiment with that once. My high school crossdressing and really the only female sex model in my family was my mother's mom. I tried on her clothing while I was staying with her a couple times. Hose, dresses, mirrors. I enjoyed that and my transgenderism leans on those experiences and her artistic style and gentleness.

In the second half of high school, I was fortunate to have two girlfriends who I had fairly regular sex with. They were both amazing and in my senior year, well, it was just amazing how confident and loved I felt. I had gone to drug treatment the year before and had really gotten my act together including putting all the musical lessons of the previous years together during the summer before my senior year in my practicing. It had turned into daily jazz solo composition by the end of the summer and I continued that for the entire year. It was really working quite well and over the years I've had some regret at stopping that style of composing. It's hard to say what would have happened had I continued it. I'm extremely thankful for where I am in life now and wouldn't change a thing about my musicianship, but you know, it could have been even better I suppose. Or could have been better faster. Who knows, right?

Sex like that lingered on a little bit after high school. I was not doing a traditional college thing. I was doing drugs and learning how to live independently of my parents. At least mostly or partly. When I was 20, I had a crisis moment about where my life was headed and wound up quitting drugs for 9 months to a year while I studied music on my own for 6 hours a day. I would not be a musician or sober had I not done that. All my professional work is based on doing that. Both the work that I did and my dedication to it and the hours involved. My transcription book was written from that. It is available on my sites and I think it is quite good. Melodic Jazz Transcriptions by Rachel Lydia Rand.

There was some masturbation going on through all of that. When I was not in a sexual relationship, of course I was masturbating more. Masturbation for me is a quick thing. Amazing desire for a beautiful woman. Sessions lasted about 5 minutes and then releif and feeling good about myself and life. Then getting back to work quickly. Or going to sleep if it is time to sleep.

My first marriage happened. It was based on intellectualism and not sex. She's amazing intellectually and musicially. After the honeymoon phase wore off and we were married, sex stopped rather abruptly. There was a moment where she threw a playboy magazine on me on the bed in disgust. I didn't know what to think about that. I probably felt a little guilty. I'm pretty confident in some ways though and didn't see anything wrong with desiring those women or in having fantasies. I didn't see it as distracting from my love for her. Intellectually now I feel that not masturbating wouldn't have done any good at all. I'm a fan of masturbation on most levels. I was a horny guy who needed release so I could get back to work. Women are amazing and I liked those images. I also had transgender tendencies then. I don't know how other people saw me. There was no macho side to me at all. I never tried to be masculine. I had excellent sex in high school. To me, my high school relationship was the model for a perfect relationship. In that, I felt I was the leader and that my wife, even though she was 10 years older than me, should have followed my lead in that. Not because I was male, but because I was the one with the better experience and knowledge.

Again, I had never bought a magazine. I was still using a stack of magazines from my father. Probably about 15 of them. My wife was into computers and so was I. Windows 95 came out and the America Online discs were in the mailbox every other day. I got online and discovered online porn. Great. That was much better for masterbation than the magazines and I enjoyed using my computer for that and many other things.

I stood by my wife for many years on this front. Hoping through the years that she would come around and we would have a healthy, physical, romantic, intimate relationship. I really held out for a long time for that. Sure, she is not amazingly beautiful. I could get critical of her health habits as well. Again, I was hoping she would come around. My health was absolutely amazing because of my biking and cooking. My music was healthy. I felt my masturbation was healthy. How I saw women was heathy. My form of masculinity without any male macho end I felt was healthy. My meditation practice. I mean really, I was amazing in the 90's and it's quite the roadmap for me even to this day.

She had had some experience with cocaine in the latin jazz scene in Chicago before we got together. And of course my acid and marijuana background was well known in the Navy. She asked to do mushrooms with me one day, so I was like cool, she's going to experience this with me. Not my idea at all. I do not press drugs on people like that. I was wanting for her to come around sexually and with exercise, eating and meditating. Perhaps she needed to connect with me on the drug end though to understand, so ok, we'll try that. I dialed up a trip that was chemically very strong. Maybe not the best planning. What could I do? I made a little bit of a mistake. It was mushrooms and not acid thankfully. We were extremely high and there was this moment in the bedroom, I talk about this in my book that no one seems interested in, where she is completely naked in front of me, tripping on her first trip, and crying. To me, she was amazingly beautiful in that moment. Wow. I was speechless. Her body was pretty much straight. Not thin. Her breasts were large but not huge. I don't know, she just looked great and the emotion of the trip was amazing on her. She certainly understood what a hallucinagin was! (where is that spell checker!)

After that, nothing really changed between us and that was a huge disappointment. I wasn't really heartbroken or anything. Just back to my normal healthy patterns and waiting for her to get her thing sorted out and come around. It never happened. On Y2K, she got me involved in this hotel scene and there was loud sex in the room next to us and I still couldn't touch her. By this time in our relationship she was physically pushing me away when I would try to touch her and that was very, very damaging to me mentally. It came to a head that night and I stormed out of the room. I had composed and recorded my first successful song, Half Pipe just a week before. What, this isn't good enough for you? I suppose I should be ashamed for staying with her so long. I felt pressure from other people that I was less of a man for staying so long or being with her. In any case, I obviously had to move on. She told me that she wanted me to have an affair, to have sex with another woman. That's not really my style at all. There was some desire there, but you know, if I had good sex with someone else, I would just leave my wife, so I didn't see that as helping us. So then I got up the nerve to leave her and the Navy. I have this way of train wrecking my life. It's a crisis and I just have to do anything I can to get away and restart.

Masturbation through the end of the 90's had gone from cute solo pictures of girls to pictures of sex between a male and female. At the end of the 90's or early 2000's, I saw a picture of a woman getting penetrated anally for the first time. I'm pretty naive about the whole thing and didn't know people did this. There were some people in the Navy who would joke about anal sex in a bathroom humor kind of way. For whatever reason, I found that offensive and at the same time didn't even realize that anal sex was a thing. Jokes about gays. I really had no concept.

Homelessness. Masturbation. Masturbation on the street corner when I was on the streets. Hiding it as best as I could. I'm just trying to get to work here folks. I'm on the streets with a dozen musical compositions with me playing 5 instruments studying math because I had some dead end jobs. Well, it's likely all that was some kind of setup. My life can be kind of fake like that. I come to it from a place of honesty. What could I do? That is what I had to do and I was doing my best to put my life back together to get a house and hopefully a good balanced relationship.

Somewhere in there, getting off of the streets I suppose, online porn videos became a thing. Computer viruses became a thing. I'm a computer person and would reinstall my OS if my computer became too corrupt. I suppose that was good practice. I still prefered still images to video. I thought they were sexier. I would save them in folders and make scrapbook arrangements of them with Photoshop 5.5. The most famous one I called "motivation". All solo women who I thought were cute. The sex on the internet got to be more rough. I was not into all the tattoos, but it was pretty much unavoidable. Sam was giving me some guilty feelings in our conversations. We talk openly about a lot of things. I was still using images of young women and he scolded me for that. To me, it's not about the age. It's about being in shape. There are less images of older beautiful women for two main reasons. One is that a lot of them are in fulfiling relationships and can't be bothered with this porn thing. And the other reason is that the older you get, the more chance you've had in your life to make mistakes with your health. Mistakes that can make you less attractive. With the young women, there are just more beautiful young women and they are the model of healthy women. I obviously like older women. My two best adult relationships were with women who were 20 years older than me! Sure, Patty did not look all that great. She had road miles. But I liked her thin body. There was an element to her that reminded me of Gayle from middle school and high school and that was a turn on for me with Patty. Cynthia was just amazing. Amazing body. She was crazy about taking care of her health. Her main thing was wanting to look good. "Make it beautiful" is one of my sayings. She did actual headstands. We did some yoga together. We ate the short grain brown rice and oatmeal together every morning. She insisted I mae it every morning. I mean, how cool is that? This is the way it should have been with Ann.

I found Cynthia so attractive, that masterbating was a rare thing when I was with her. Because I'm so passive in the bedroom (my male side is assertive, I need my female partner to be passive [yes, NEED, not want]), I have a hard time initiating sex. I could only get up the nerve to do it with Cynthia 2-3x a week. I would have liked it every day, but I didn't want to wear her out. And instead of masterbating, I pretty much just waited. It was pretty torturous actually. I probably didn't have to put myself through that, but wow, I was really turned on by her.

After Cynthia died, my transgender side came out immediately. During the 2010's, I was buying all of my porn online to fight the computer viruses. I'm a professional too and appreciated the people who made the porn and the professional end of it. I was watching gang bang porn videos. Again, I'm not so into the videos. Certainly not into all their tattoos. I prefer clean, thin women with no tattoos and an innocent clean look. I was sexually frustrated though with all I had been through. Continuing to work so hard. For her love like the song goes. What is a man to do? I tried dating sites after Cynthia. Went on a nice bicycle ride with an Asian heritage lady. She was wonderful. Excellent ride. She didn't call me back, but we had a good time. Not so into the other 3 ladies I dated. Not so into the dates. I remember Pat Lamb was active in the newspapers in the 2000's. It seemed he was doing a musical thing that had a dating angle to it and helped many couples get together. I stayed away from that. Just seemed too organized for my tastes. Patrick also presents a religious Christian side too. My Zen side stays away from people who do that.

So, then the transgender thing came on. I had gotten frustrated with the rough sex videos and most of my porn enjoyment was from images from Nubiles that I had downloaded and wrote software to view. Young girls again. What could I do? Then once hormones started kicking in, male sex drive dropped and it was a huge relief. "The pressure is off!" is how I explain it. Wow. I never realized how the feeling of waking up with an erection affected my mental state. The feeling of it, the pressure. Without it, it was so relaxing. And then not having to masturbate. Wow, it felt great. I still saw women as sexy, but now I was simply interested in emulating them. I never tried to be masculine. I'm not macho like that at all. I really don't identify with being male in that way. You get the point after reading all of this. But being female, yes, I could get behind trying to emulate being feminine. Now there was nothing holding me back from doing that. Not sure how strong the desire had been my whole life, but it was freeing that I could do that. That as a transwoman, I'm even expected to do that. And now with what I wrote last night and the feelings building up over the years, I can give up on the idea of having to be assertive in the bedroom and I can play a completely passive, feminine role. If I can get surgery. Without the surgery, I don't think this works well for me. It does feel femine being with a man the way I am now, but it's just not good enough for me to really get behind. I think post surgery would be different.

Most of the transwomen I've been talking to are more interested in breast augmentation and facial feminization. I'm opposite. I think my body mostly rocks. I've been taking care of myself physically and mentally. I've always used a beautiful, thin female as my body style guide. As much as I'm into Sting, I never used him as a body style guide. It was always feminine with me.

I love the transwoman thing I'm in. My opinion is that women kind of missed out on me. I suppose there is sadness there. That's the way it worked for me.


Is this addiction?

Do I even need to answer that? This is love.

2024-09-22 Sunday

10:46am
This MOTU M4 seems to work great. I may not need a mixing board in the truck. I enjoy how it has a power switch on it and then below the USB C it says "bus powered". Wow. Phantom power and all of that. The sound was excellent and it was competely no hassle. I setup Cakewalk with it but didn't press record. I'm getting there.

The cultural war/battle within me is amazingly intense. I don't mean to box anyone in with these stereotypes. They are labels that describe patterns and without them, our communication would be limited. We are all individuals making choices of how to create our personal mixes of them to create our own cultures.

6:53pm
I started writing when I got out of the Navy in 2000. I found myself living in my subcompact car and there was a spiral bound notebook with me, so I just started filling it up. In a couple years I had filled 12 of them. Then came the computer coding career where I was typying for a living for 20 years.

I get really conflicted about my medical transition. How far do I go with it? It's not an exact science. I get freaked out by the medical community. I'm really just freaked out by all community at this point because what I perceive as my culture does not exist out there. I never saw it like that before, but it seems the blinders are off now. Or perhaps they are out there and I just don't know where they are? I'm sorting it all out. I obviously desire to be a leader. I always thought I'd be a good band leader, but I'm essentially shutting the door on that idea now. It's just too late. My music is so inbred now that it just doesn't have much room for other people. Andy and I had fun making that recording together. I had only known him 3 or 4 days. I turned on the microphone at about 6pm one night. Came back the piano and started playing "get her warmed up". It's a good recording. It was the first take. The full take. No editing. About 20 minutes later, we were playing with it in the multi-track environment and he played drums to it while I played some booming bass. It was all completely ridiculous as far as I was concerned, but there are some lessons to be learned about how Andy was playing his set. It made me realize that I do a similar thing on the trombone. Just playing aggressively with all of my skill to keep my chops fine tuned in the least amount of time.

That was the only recording we attempted to make. We played quite a bit after that. I was playing his drumset all the time and having a blast with that. We played through Dark Side of the Moon with and without the recording a couple times. I enjoy playing bass and singing on that. Feeling like a rock star and all that. It sure was fun learning how to sing properly. Knowing the song inside and out. Playing the melody and chords on the piano. Then signing and playing the chords. Then playing bass and singing. Then playing guitar and singing. Lately, even without a drum set, I've been working on playing drums on my thights and singing. You know, it's a little bit of a hobby for this presidential candidate. :-)

In the rave scene in early 2001, I chose the blue pill instead of the red pill. Lately people have been telling me some stuff about that. I kind of half-heartedly listen to them. Mostly people who were just little children during that time. I was 30yo at the time. The blue bill signified emotion and the red pill signified speed. There was also some programming in it in that I had been given a few great blue pills in the weeks before that. The idea here is that with speed, you get to the destination quicker, but then you are just at the destination and not on the journey.

How will I survive this trucking industry with my minor physical problem of needing to take a shower 20 minutes after I have a bowel movement? I didn't really think that through much. The trucker who gave me a ride from Missoula to Seattle last month had a box of "man wipes" on his dash. Well, was that a sign? Is that standard practice to keep them on the dash? hehe. Well, I don't know how well that is going to work. We'll find out though.

This apartment I'm moving into has a pet odor problem. It feels like I have been setup again. I essentially can't avoid this thing in my life. The decision here, much like that of the blue and red pills, is that I chose to dump all of my personal and business relationships in Portland, and all the social/cultral drama I've been experiencing, for this apartment and my price for that is this odor problem. I don't know how all that will materialize other than this place feels like it is in a fairly safe place for me culturally in this town. I'm not on the west side anymore. I'm not in the trendy music district. I'm not in some new fangled community. Everything but the odor thing seems like it will work well here. The odor problem has many facets.

The main one being sex change surgery. I don't know how posssible it is. If it is so bad that I'm likely not going to live long, then obviously it makes no sense at all. I'm suspecting that isn't quite the reality though. It's probably a thing of having fairly poor bladder control. I've heard others talk about it online. It's probably something you can't really understand unless you see (and smell) it. I've been thinking about it a lot all year. I've essentially been trained to take these showers 20 minutes after having a bowel movement. I've trained myself to essentially enjoy washing the dishes as much as I enjoy playing music. I'm kind of a hard core habit person like that now. The talk about having to deal with the dialation and the commitment of that doesn't bother me at all. Back when I was thinking about that a lot, it was a thing of working from home and staying in my house. I wear a watch. I own three watches right now. I use them to time my cooking. They all have hands on them. All Timex watches with indiglo lights so when I wake up in the middle of the night, I can press the button and know how long I've slept. This reminds me that I need to get a bathroom scale this week.

So, the routine isn't the problem. Work schedule could be. Perhaps this trucking thing will be short lived? Not sure. I know I'm fantasizing more and more about surgery. I'm sure if it is a urine problem thing, then odor of it would get very old after a while. And then there is the thing about urine on the legs that could create a burning or itching rash problem. Rush / Rash? Yeah. And the two people close to me with urine smell problems in the last few years? It seems like I've had plenty of training to cope with a surgery reality.

I can just see being on a message board working on getting someone to help me fill out my dialating schedule! Ah, transwoman presidential candiate needs some help....

Oh my, is this a job? Not sure where this is all going. Patty died when she was 64. I was 46 at the time. I'll be 64 in 11 years. With how much I've lived, another 11 years seems like a long time. I mean, it's difficult for me to not prioritize living longer. To purposely deside to significantly lower the number of years you live is difficult to do. Well, it's especially difficult if the time span is very short. 11 years is a pretty long time though. I mostly do not worry about the gross problems of all of this. Nor do I worry about the shorter life span as long as there are reasonably good chances at lasting a decade. The thing that I'm the most scared about is the surgery itself. With all my nitrous oxide abuse, the idea of being under that kind of influence, in a cold feeling, with blood coming out of my body and being put back in. In one of my books it talks about surgery not being unconscious but it being a thing of removing your memory of it. My body is small and I get cold very easily. Not extremely easily, but yes, I get cold more than the average person. I have all my life because I've weighed between 120 and 135 for most of my life.

Anyway. There is this thing that I was off of hormones for most of last month and my male sexual function returning. It increased sexual desire in a somewhat masculine way. Not quite to the place of fantasizing about having sex with women, but close. So close it became a decision and I decided I wasn't going there. I was blogging about it earlier today. I was always very passive in the bedroom. Well, I was an assertive male and desired my female partners to be more passive than me. That was fairly difficult. And over the last 5 years, I'm getting more and more to the place where I want to be completely passive and feminine in the bedroom. I want a guy on top of me and that does not work at all in my mind without having this surgery. I am still "starved for touch." I became that way with my first wife in the 1990's. There were a couple relief moments in the 2000's that strung me along. Just enough to keep from going completely bonkers. I'm not just an average guy having a hard time getting sex, I'm a rock star quality musician. The more I don't get satisfied, the more I pour into my work. My whole life has been that way. It's probably like that for other men too. Perhaps I am an extreme example in the music world though. I mean, if a guy is putting as much into a normal job as I put into music and everything else I do, they are likely making tons of money. That's totally not the case with me. In fact, money isn't even a motivator with me at all. I really don't even have much of a concept of it other than the measure of it is similar to my body weight. It's something I check every day.

It seems that if I had surgery, I'd be so exotic that men might line up to be with me. And even if they didn't, I think I'd like my body and dialating so much it would still be totally worth it. I'm on HRT again, so I'm expecting my sex drive to drop. That's fine. I have had an experience of what feminine sex drive is about. I didn't feel asexual at all the past two years. I don't identify as asexual. I don't identify as gay either. If I have all the female sexual parts, then I'm essentially female and I'd be totally cool with being with men. That is the ultimate transfeminine experience in my mind. Vulvoplasty seems reasonable too and that was my thought a year ago. If that thing were not between my legs, I'd be OK with being with a man. He could be on top of me and that would be great. As it is with my penis, it doesn't feel right like that. The his-panic man I was with a couple months ago was touching my penis and well, that wasn't so cool. My feeling was that he may like it. I didn't like it. I just want it gone now. I enjoyed being with women. Loved having sex with the right woman for me. I had 3 or 4 good years of that in my life. It feels good. Amazing! That's part of this transwoman fantasy. To have a guy on top of me and knowing he is enjoying me. On top of me. I can just reach out and hold him between my legs. It would just be fabulous. I don't need to have any orgasmic sensation to enjoy that. It would be so amazingly exotic. For me, totally worth all the cleanup/maintenence work. Well, probably. I'm paranoid about it of course. I've been taking 2-3 showers most days for at least a decade. Has this all been training? Is this a Mars mission or a trans-mission? Where do they come up with these words! What the hell is my life anyway? It's all so bizare!

Wonderful though. It's fun to think about and know that there are possibilities of this being my reality. If men were into me, it sure would be nice to be touched like that. I never enjoyed having women touch me. The HRT seems to have flipped that thinking.

Do I want this more than being a performing musician? Obviously yes. I really don't care about being a performing musician, as in getting up on a stage and all of that. I enjoy performing in my studio. I enjoy my music thing. I'm not sure where all that is going. Part of me would like to mellow on it a bit. I've just been in hyper production mode for so long. Is there any payoff in this? This transgender experience is the payoff that I desire. My bikini hot tub retirement? Yeah, that is a thing with me. To have surgery. To look amazing in a bikini. I ordered another bikini today. A swimsuit bikini. I love wearing them. I love tight fitting dresses. It would be amazing to have this surgery! I'm not into these pleated skirts at all. Obviously. I've been wearing tight tube skirts for years.

Anyway. Is it embarrasing writing this here on my public blog? Am I embarrased? No. Perhaps I feel that others want me to be embarrased. I'm scared of people reacting badly to all of this. Scared of being a hate crime victim. I pretty much already have been. Perhaps for decades. Is this unbecoming of a presidential candidate? It's so weird! Unbecoming of a vice-presidential candidate? I don't know. A world respresentative? Rock star? I really don't know. I'm just all over the map weird, mostly because of my musical skills. And then how I combined them with my computer and math skills. And all of those extreme psychological experiences. Yes, as a presidential candidate, a vice-presidential hopeful, I've got some intense mental training. This is a modern world and it's not like there aren't huge numbers of people who think about this sex stuff.

8:06pm now. Am I inviting disaster with this post? Who knows? I have a decent amount of money in the bank. I've got a fridge full of nice Indian food. A working music studio sitting next to me. My cooking will be back tomorrow. I've had a freaking amazing life so far and there might be more! This keyboard is incredible. Both of them.

A few minutes later, after eating some biryani....

Perhaps this is just Rachel Rand's Bikini Hot Tub Retirement? Perhaps I've been some virtual reality TV show for a quarter century? A 24/7 365 x 25 show? And perhaps this surgery is my payment for it? Perhap it isn't the president or Mars thing at all? Perhaps it is just this simple. That I will enjoy having sex in this exotic way for years. And life will be more simple than it has been. I can enjoy doing my cooking thing. I can make some light hearted music if I want. Or I could even let it go. It sounds wonderful to me. Perhaps there would even be a hot tub?

I was confronted with a recovery person who was hinting me having a sex addiction. I don't see it like that at all. Actually my whole view on addiction is not exactly a normal recovery model. It is and it isn't. I don't think the goal of recovery or life is to do the normal life thing of college, marriage, home, two kids, paying for their college, retirement and death. That isn't what my life is about and there is nothing wrong with that. That isn't a problem to be solved. And solving addiction is not solely to extend life. Or even to just be healthy. It's to enjoy life! I don't do drugs now because I don't enjoy them. I don't drink now because I don't enjoy it. I'd love to have sex. At this point in my life, I'd love to have sex as a woman because I am a transwoman who has transitioned. Mostly. It says "F" on my license. My name is Rachel. As I'm writing this, I'm wearing a dress over a dress because I got a little cold.

I think it could be great. Perhaps I'm going to go to sleep now thinking about the possibly disappointment if I do not get surgery. I don't know what to do about this surgery thing. I'm working on going to trucking school. I don't have social skills to make this surgery thing really happen on my own. What am I supposed to do exactly? How do you get into this type of thing? Do I get a job trucking and then get insurance that will pay for this? It's all very weird.

2024-09-21 Saturday

6:26am
Listening to Chemistry and Countdown this morning. Especially like Countdown. The Lydian thing and the keyboards. Bass line. Lyrics. Drumming. I don't tend to focus on the guitar, but I love Alex's playing.

Getting locked up over my political ideas is not cool. I feel like all of my hospitalizations have been because of that. If I want to sell my house to realize the equity in it and then use that money to get into long haul trucking, that is a life decision. My decision. If I want to spend my money running for president and declare that to the FEC, that is my decision of what to do with my life. It's totally legal. I'm very, very upset at the mental health industrial complex and the people who work those jobs. I love psychology. Love it! Love the Rush / Neil Peart connection to it all. Being locked up in those buildings has nothing to do with that other than experiencing being locked up like a circus animal.

I'm into health and recovery. I like AA meetings because they are free and "our" "leaders" are experienced. I think the hospitalization I had as a teenager was good. I don't like this idea of hospitalizations for adults other than for true detox and a brief introduction to recovery literature and a list of resources.

What would those people do if they didn't have those jobs? Well, politically, if they didn't go to work, there would be no lost production. They may not even need their cars, so there would be a savings. Perhaps the government should pay them a slightly reduced salary compensating for not needing a car. Perhaps they can run online recovery meetings? Maybe do basket weaving? I don't know. I just know they are more like jailers than being helpful. That is how I see it from my experiences.

Work does need to be done. Utilities, some maintenance. Do we need more new housing? Not for old people. If population is declining, there is plenty of old housing out there. I see this all coming to an end someday. Mathematically.

I'm headed into this trucking career. Living in a small space. Of course I'll treat it as a space ship. As more space training. Even if it just makes for a good book, I'm into it. That is, I'm into it if the world really needs this work of moving stuff around. If the world needs me to work, then I like the idea of this job for many reasons. Does the world need me to work like this? I certainly have my doubts. Seems more like training for a real space mission to me. I suppose that is work too. I'm all down for that of course. It seems like I'm healthy enough and have the right stuff. "What a view, what a view."


I don't know where this/my Signal goes. I obviously would have no control at all over who can hear me out in space.


I've never seen a single band or been to a single venue that is listed in the Willamette Week or the Mercury. Not interested at all. I'm very much a 4am musician. A solo internet artist and going to Mars is right up my alley. I will not change. I'm willing to do this political thing. I have trained for it. Been writing and researching for decades. It's not about becoming social and all of that. If it is, you can find someone else. That's not what I do.

I was going to the bar on the corner next to my house this last year just to break the fear of going into a bar. I've probably gone to bars less than 20 times in my life before that. I'm not into those scenes at all.

My apartment is not on the trendy/musical side of town. It's not in the super distressed religious areas. Not on the super clean and sterile west side. My place has a bit of a pet odor problem. It's the price I'm paying to be in a neighborhood that I can acutally accept. I'm not into that trendy music scene at all. I love food. I can appreciate people making nice food and wanting to share it. The restaurant industry seems weird to me. I've got two more days of hotels and restaurants here then I'm back to cooking vegetables in a pot and rice in a pressure cooker. I've settled on the idea that the Indian food is the best food out there. I appreciate some other food. I like the mexican burrito thing. I like some aspects of Americanized Chinese cooking. I highly appreciate the sushi thing and the idea of farmed fish is really growing on me as perhaps a major thing in the future. I'm pretty much into cauliflower and potatoes though. Spinach. A tomato once in a while. It essentially takes a cauliflower a day, a cup of white rice a day, a half cup of rolled oats and a 1/4 cup of short grain brown rice a day to keep me alive. How much more complicated is that than harvesting flour and chicken eggs for pasta? Slaughtering cows and chickens? All that goes into milk production for pizza and cereal? Is what I'm doing all that much more complicated? Freezers?

Yes, I use oil too. Spices. And I'm still drinking coffee. The Sting Murder by Numbers song has been haunting me lately. Sure, the coffee causes bad breath and so do the Indian spices. For me, the damage there is largely done. If I had to do it again.... I likely would. There is a downside to everything as I see it. I love coffee and Indian food. I love sobriety. Not sure how sobriety and coffee is linked. There probably is a connection chemically. I enjoy it. I don't want alcohol. I don't want mind altering drugs. I want hemp twine to play with. I like the idea of basket weaving. I'd rather be in some Chinese electronics manufacturing place sticking knobs on variable resistors than slinging around metal beams. Sitting at my desk coding a 3d printer to make buildings on Mars. Taking a break to play some Majong. I don't like this Windows 11 Majong. Too much sound and FX. I want the old Hoyle 1999 one back. I appreciate that someone had fun coding that. I'm into people coding like that. It doesn't mean that their version is the one I want to play.

2024-09-20 Friday TGIF!

7:43pm
Tolerance. Teamwork. Companies. Unions. Churches. Community Centers.

The LEGO movie has been on my mind in the second half of the summer. Teamwork vs The Special.

Of course I identify with being the special. I have my paranoias about unions. Is it that you sign up to be in the union. You march through their front door looking for a career. And then they set you up with a whole life. A partner. A plan for a family. A decent wage without any worry of the job going away or not being able to find work. And that allows people to build all of these amazing buildings.

Is that how it is done? I honestly don't even want to know. That is not my life. I understand, really I do, that we need teamwork. This keyboard I'm typing on likely did not get created by one creative in their garage. Perhaps one of the assembly steps was simply a creative in their garage. Probably not, but you know, it could be. It's amazing the diversity of products in the world. I mean, just mind blowing. It's almost a sickness. How could there be so many different types of computer keyboards?

This Roland GO:Keys3 that I'm playing is just like what I've been talking about on my website all last year. This thing has the amazing sounds of the Roland XV-88 Keyboard that I bought for $2,500 back in 2000. 99% of the time, I'm playing just the one EP (Electric Piano) sound that I like. That is all I want from a keyboard. Just that one good sound. It has fairly whimpy speakers, but I've found that they are amazing. Not loud enough to bug other people, but loud enough for me to enjoy playing it to the fullest extent. It's just one fancy sound that was programmed into it combined with velocity sensitive keys. Most of those Casio and Yamaha keyboards, those student grade keyboards, have pressure sensitive keys and some kind of data port that likely will allow the software to change. I'm totally out of touch with people and society though. Maybe all the keyboards for the last 15 years have been like the one I have now? Sure, I miss the fully weighted keys. I'd rather have that. But this keyboard is totally acceptable. And of course I'd rather play a piano than this. This thing is great though and of course I will not be looking for any other instrument.

Unions. Do we even need them? Do we need to make more of this fancy housing? I mean, is the goal that we are going to make this kind of sealed, fancy, square building, community houseing for all 8 billion people on the planet? If our population is declining, then there will be a point where it becomes impractical to build any more of it. I suppose I haven't crunched the numbers on that. I should write a computer program to illustrate that theory. There must be a point of no return on it. Once that happens, I predict that most production will stop and then we are in a truly different economy. And culture.

What was the weather like this summer? Was it much cooler? Was it a show of human controlled climate change? That is what I observed, but then again, I was involved in so much personal drama that it was a huge distraction on my observing skills.

2024-09-20 Friday TGIF!

8:50am
I got up at 4am and restarted my Dot Trombone app that had paused in the middle of the night. I have it full screen on the 40" screen in my hotel room. I have three transcribers open: rain in da studio, some Jamiroquia digerido thing and Rush's Bet Your Life. I have Rush turned off and have that didj thing reduced 5 half steps. It's playing in Dmin, so I've been doing the Half Pipe thing of playing a D-7 to E-7 for about 5 hours now. I'm just very spacey like that. It sounds good. Why would I want to stop?

I'm not a drag performer. I don't ever intentionally try to present masculine. I don't own any men's clothing. I take hormones. I started wearing women's clothing in the 1980's. My first wife had two female dogs with masculine names. I wore a lot of silk in the 1990's. I've always tried to be thin like a female clothing model. Always. That has always been my concept of looking good. I appreciate Sting's masculinity. I enjoy Geddy Lee's tomboy appearance. But I have been more feminine in my body image.

One thing that weighs in on my mind is how women feel about my transgenderism. Beyond just their reaction but the idea, just for the sake of argument, if a majority of men were transgender, what would women do? Is that part of what the Barbie movie is about?

I've seen many transwomen looking people around town holding hands/walking next to beautiful, apparently cis-gendered women. It's always amazing to see that and make me want to be like that. I must admit that I'm leaning a little more feminine now and fantasize more about men. I'm relaxing a little bit on the idea of people calling me gay. It's a huge negative trigger for me, but I'm trying to let go of the trigger of that. I don't fantasize at all about anal sex, but I do think about having sugery often. Perhaps it doesn't work at all, but I like to think about my body being altered like that. And thinking about actually being able to experience sex like a woman. Even if it isn't possible, I like the feminizing feeling of thinking like it is possible and perhaps has already even happened.

Nothing against speed metal culture at all. I was introduced to the "new metal" music in the early 2000's. It was simply amazing. Not my style at all. Nothing I would buy or spend time listening to. Not my culture. But there is an appreciation of that style. Not drawing a connection, but this seemingly bad scene of down and out meth and fentenal addicts.... Not saying my transgender thing with its medications and possible surgeries would end up in any better place. Perhaps it would be better, perhaps not. I don't know. I'm glad my mind is intact. I'm glad I'm not intoxicated. I'm glad that I take my hormone pills and just go through my day as a woman. I'm not thinking I'm high at all. I'm just living my life as a woman. As the woman that I want to be. A fun professional woman who plays music, cooks. Enjoys writing and researching. Enjoys basket weaving. Enjoys looking good and thinking about how to look elegant and sexy.

11:11am
OK, I have to vent here.... I had a friend who over a year ago came over to my house and we had a chat in the living room. I told him the truth about my life, some aspects that he may not have known about (he was a long time friend of the family and musical peer). He then said that he was "concerned about me" and then proceeded to insist that he take me to the mental hospital. Unfortunately, I went with him, although I must admit that that stay was a bit of a breakthrough stay for me.

The thing here that really bugs me.... He did it again in the late spring. I managed to fend him off. My attitude is that if he is really concerned about me, he's not going to take me to a place that will lock me up, treat me like and idiot and then bill me tens of thousands of dollars. If he were really concerned about me, then maybe he could show me some love and we could sit on the floor, burn some incense, do some stretching and meditating and zone out on some drumming or something mellow. Or better yet, maybe he knows some nice transwoman who would like to do that with me? I mean, if he is concerned about me, then show me some love that I can understand and appreciate!

.... a couple more thoughts on this an hour later....
If he was concerned about me because of my political ideas, well, then get over it. We are all entitled to have our political ideas and some of us even run for office. It's totally legal and nothing to be "concerned" over. If he doesn't agree with me, he doesn't agree with me. Locking me up is not a proper reaction to not agreeing with my political ideas!

If he was concerned about me because he wants me to live a better life.... Well, his concept of a better life for me is his idea, not mine. It's like sure, he is (was) a friend of mine. I'll sit down and talk with him about my life and options. That's still nothing to lock me up over.

The only thing worth locking someone up over like this is being of harm to someone else. I wasn't living with anyone at the time. I was not threatening anyone in any way other than expressing my political ideas (ideas that certainly have the potential to discriminate against people (ei harm them) because politics is the act of discriminating (if it weren't, we would have a flat tax).

I'm using FlashDevelop as my code editor for this and everything but VisualStudio projects. I don't have an Adobe subcription anymore. I enjoy my Adobe AIR apps and hope they continue to work, but I won't be working on them anymore. Of course spelling is a problem on my political blog. This version of FlashDevelop I'm using is something I compiled, so I play to code in a spell checker to it soon. Hopefully soon! I've coded a spell checker professionally back in 2009 I believe. It's not all that complicated and there is probably some included code that I can implement. I'm excited about extending FlashDevelop to my fancy. I'll likely never get to it, but I'd love to code a run-time compiler some day. So many fun things to do!

It was fun. The other night I was twirling my 1" dowel drumstick in front of my TV screen in the hotel room and saw the massive tracers from the circular motion of the stick. I immediately thought "this TV must be using a 30FPS rate." I went to the display settings in Windows 11 and sure enough, it was set to 30FPS. 30Hz.

2024-09-19 Thursday

2:27am
I am not a flag waver at all. Part of my politics, a major part, was born out of my marijuana music past from the 1990's. And although I am still supportive of marijuana legalization and culture, I have been very, very hesitant to be outspoken about it because I like being healthy and there is a huge aspect of recreational drugs not being healthy.

And it comes back around to my transgenderism and the drugs that support that and the aspect of them not being healthy.


And that gets mixed up with all the cultures around the world and how I've incorporated so many of them into my musicianship from the gateway of jazz music. It becomes a question of who do I support and who will support me. And that comes down to some kind of decision. Because things are limited. Loving everything doesn't really work on some level. On some level it does, and on some level it doesn't.

It's like, I see this dominant culture out there that seems to be driven by primarily black musicians and sports figures. And the companies that support them, like Nike. And how that has roots in hip-hop music and for the music side of me, that goes back to late 1980's Miles Davis and the Amandla album which is still some of the best music that I have ever heard. I transcribed most of that album in 1992 before I joined the Navy and it is still very close to my heart.

I obviously did not get on board with metal music, "speed" culture and their drugs, tattoos and that Matrix end of things. I did incorporate some trance music into my style. I obviously identify with being transgender and am taking medications. I'm obviously rejecting some of that healthier sports/music culture that is so dominant now. I don't see it as a form of rebelion. I'm very intellectual about it. That culture seems to come back down to Da do do do, da da da da. In the lyrics. Love and how I lean towards Rush and Ayn Rand on that level. Industry. Business. Electronics. Buildings. It seems that the dominant sports/music culture attemps to solve its problem there with a form of toughness of religion and an intellectual slavery. And I completely reject that on all levels.

6:22pm
Back in the summer of 2023 I attended a few recovery meetings with a music theme where we got to share some of our music with each other. At one of those meetings I was basically accused of doing "musical masturbation". I took offense to that. My stance on it is that this art. I'm not making money at what I do for my art. I'd love to be paid for it. For people to enjoy what I have already done and to pay me for it. I'm not making it to get paid. I make stuff I enjoy. I make stuff that I use daily.

The idea that making music on your own instead of playing with others and playing gigs. The idea that being alone is evil or bad. That it is a problem that needs to be solved. I'm not into that at all. I'm not into that aspect of AA. I'm not into that aspect of community. I can appreciate that some people, perhaps the majority of people, enjoy socializing and gathering in groups. I may have been one of those people if people had given me a lot of appreciation years ago. Those days, that opportunity, is largely gone now. My political thing the last few years has not been about trying to attract that kind of thing. Of course, like it said on my website, I'd love to have some fans and to have some people to cuddle with. It's not about attracting huge crowds. It's not about breaking out of an antisocial lifestyle. If all politics is about is being social and talking all day, then obviously I'm not the person for the job. I prefer to think that there is an intellectual side to it that needs to be done in isolation. A meditative type of thing of thinking about how everything in the world is connected.

If you forget about the political side of me. If we just think about my introverted side and how I function as a citizen. I do what I can to give back enough to society to afford the basics and then I pour everything else back into music. I spend some money on nice musical gear and I attempt to lower my hours at work so that I have more time to play. That is my choice of what to do with my time and how to live my life. Other people may have a family thing going on.

OK, OK. The main point I was getting at when I woke up this morning was:

Just saying that I hope other people can get on board with this idea that if we didn't enjoy our personal lives, outside of having and caring for children, there would be little point in living. Exploration. Discovery. Passion. This isn't just some baby pie factory. And in fact, according to my political theories about declining energy, perhaps we actually need to decrease population at a fairly good clip. If that is corrent, then this could be the best time in the history of human beings! If we could let go of this idea that the only thing that matters is raising more children. It's not some hedonistic dream. Just sex and drugs and massages. Intelluctualism, discovery, movement, exercise. Math, computers, music. Drawing. There is so much to experience here.

I tend to look at transgenerism like a Star Trek or Star Wars scene. A bunch of aliens! I'm laughing. It's just freaking wonderful! Politically though, it seems there is also a dark side to it. That is what my Rustic Weirdness song title is supposed to be about.

.... There may also be a dark side to medical transgender transition. I mean, I totally expect to be paying some physical price for taking these hormones. I've written two books about it and the paranoia around it. I'm not a medical doctor. Anatomy is not my best subject. I'll share what I figure out. So far, so good. I'm still in excellent physical shape 2 years after starting feminizing hormones. My blood pressure is in the superior range. Couldn't be better. I owe that to being careful with drugs and smoking. And trying to be healthy and not "letting myself go." Optimal heath isn't the only thing in life. Some things are actually more important. But being in poor health is no fun. It's hard to have fun if you are not alive. I'm 53yo and have lived a lot. I'm not going to live forever and have less to lose than a lot of people because of my age. I can afford to take more risks.

2024-09-17 Tuesday

5:36pm
I've been saying all summer "My trust is at an all time low." And that brings up the memory of how I felt when I landed on the streets in 2003. Essentially my lack of trust in people led me to mathematics and a career switch from an art to a science. Where am I at with lack of trust now after a 20 year career in science?

Essentially, my discovery on the streets was "In God we trust." God being mathematics: the construct of the universe. Of course lack of trust can never be anything more than this. It does appear that I have taken it one step further this time though. Last time, I did not give up trusting my friends. The musicians I went to high school with. My closest friends and family. With what has been revealed to me this summer, I have lost trust in their stories as well. Even Delcina, the one friend I've kept out of all of them. I don't trust her story that she tells me of her life and experience.

All I know is what I've experienced. I knew Marge in 1989. We had shared experience. I remember a lot of our time together. What has happened since then, what her mom has told me about what she has done, is a story. Words. Black and white squiggles as Patty used to phrase it.

Maybe this type of thing is a natural thing of a widow or someone who never had a long term relationship. Trust in God, trust in mathematics, I have found, is essential to doing work. I trust in gravity to be there. I know the world is complicated. Huge. I know I don't know everything. I know there are some things that appear to defy gravity. I know there are reasons for that/them. That God of the ovservable universe, is a thing to be trusted. It does not live and die.

But in the human domesticated world, my biological reality as a living being, is that I need something outside of myself. It's actually a property of God this needing something outside of myself. One of the constants of life. The main constant. In the domesticated world, I need money. Almost everyone does. Money always comes from other people. In the majority of transactions, we trade our time and skills for it. And that transaction is a human event, not a God event. You can say that it is survival of the fittest. You could argue that is part of God. I suppose we all have a line to draw of where that is. I say that is where God ends. That life game is a social game, not a God game. God, the mathematics of the construct, does not care about survival like that. That is what I call my Zen religion. My Zen faith.

And that is also where politics enter. I've been actively running for Federal executive and legislative positions for over a decade. I've been working up to these runs for over two decades. I learn more about it every day. In my world, it's amazingly complex and I enjoy the mental process of it. This summer, I've come to realize that the president's job and that of legislation is to discriminate. I tend to come at the problem from perhaps a different angle. My background with Zen and my relationship with God as I described focuses highly on the limits of natural resources. Perhaps I have a seed of faith in humanity in that I feel we have been trying to make things better for everyone. It's like we do discriminate, but we are also trying to raise that minimum bar.

I often think about how "cities have always been a problem." I'm a city person. My agricultural skills are minimal. I do know some things. It's not like I have never grown anything. Things I have grown have fed me for probably a couple weeks thanks to owning that house this last decade. Agriculture is the number one topic in my brand of politics. Food, clothing and shelter, in that order. But then again, I'm a city jazz person. Practically no one in these cities is growing much food. I suspect there is more going on than what it seems like, but you know, there are a lot of weird things going on in the city.

Getting back to the point of my writing this evening, I woke up from a two hour nap feeling a little rested, but still quite full of fear. Fear of death from human hands. Being alone again. The difference this time is that I have rejected my friends. I've rejected their stories that they have been telling me over the years. Are those stories true? I don't know. From what I have experienced lately, from clues that I have gotten from those stories from those people, I am in a place of high doubt in the truth of those stories. Perhaps I'm a fool for trusting them 20 years ago? If I were smarter, I suppose I would have come to the conclusion that they were not helping me out. That I had no reason to trust them.

I enjoy my life. I enjoy the truthful story of my life. I enjoy sharing with people about my life. I'm not spinning a story more than trying to figure out what really happened with my interactions. I feel that my music and musical skills and skills of balance, meditation, logic and so forth, are simply amazing. There is a sense of thankfulness for how I got those skills. Was it because of people lying to me? Was it born out of fake hard times? Am I the only one that enjoys my music? I don't know. I can't say that I have much evidence that anyone else enjoys my music. Sam told me he liked my music a year ago. Just one time. I had someone tell me they liked my circle show "game/interaction". I got a kick out of that. A seemingly random person emailing me decade ago to tell me that. It's ridiculous how much effort I've put into all this work. Call it art. Call it games. Call it love. Call it passion. Call it fun. Call it ridiculous. Call it a waste of time. I love what I do and have done. The older I get, the more I listen to my own music and I get a kick out of that.

Part of my experience with music, something I've worked a lifetime to achieve, is to transcribe the music of my heart. To be 20 years old and listening to the music in my environment and knowing that I can do something better, or something I would like to hear more, but then being faced with how hard that actually is to accomplish. I'm 53 years old now and have accomplished that over and over. Sure, there are some songs that I love, probably even more than my music. But there are simply times when I turn off "their" music and put on mine because I prefer mine in the moment. That's the payoff of the work that I do. Sure, I'd love it if people would experience that too. That there would be a moment in their lives where they prefer to listen to my music over anything else. And then pay me some respect for that. Just as someone would buy some physical object they love. Is it the money? Would seeing the money hit my bank account bring up some positive trigger? Would I know they loved it if I got money in my account?

2024-09-17 Tuesday

2:09am
....

7:45am
Doing what I can. Thankful for the house that I had last decade. Thankful for Patty's love and Cynthia's love. After Cynthia, I felt complete in the love/relationship world. Thinking about that feeling this morning, I'm realizing that in a team driving partner, I'm looking for a fan of mine. An actual fan of mine. Not a musician to jam with (although if it were light hearted, I wouldn't likely reject that), and not a lover/partner. Just an honest to goodness fan. And if I can't get that, then being alone is fine. If I can play music for one hour a day and do my usual music playback with my favorites, mine/theirs, then I'm good. I like working and being productive. I like getting paid and paying others. As I said in my dt political blog "it's not a free lunch." This world is very strange to me. I do appreciate all the work that goes into things and I'm happy to continue producing non- musical/computer art stuff if the world needs that from me. I like the idea of inspiring people to do work that needs to be done.

I'm thankful for what happened to me last decade and all the decades before it. I really did create 100 music recordings/compositions in the last quarter century. Just 4 a year. I have to make more music. Music is my life like that. I'll try to not make it a thing of attracting fans with it. If what I did the last 25 years wasn't worthy of getting a few awesome, respectful fans, then there is nothing more I can do. I'm sure they are out there. It would be fun to have a fan of mine by my side physically. God knows I worked hard enough for it.

I was confronted with being called a blues musician yesterday. Of course I have a heavy blues influence. I tend to lean more to the trance/meditation side of things in my spirit though. It's kind of like me walking down the freeway in heels when I can barely walk. I just kind of trudge on through the trance/meditation of work trying to get the the meal at the end of the workday. I believe Nora was referring to herself as a goat type of person. I'm kind of a slow mule.

2024-09-16 Monday

5:49am
I know that I can appear to others like a crazy drug person or wild musician (I'm actually 100% sober and have been drunk twice in the last quarter century). I mostly see myself as a business professional. I'm not married and have never had children. I am a wild jazz soloist. I'm also very sweet, sensitive, romantic and intimate. I typically sleep from 6pm to 2am. I enjoy listening to the bars closing down when I get up after 8 hours of sleep. I often start my computer coding and political research/writing work at 3am taking random breaks to play music.

9:10pm
Oh my, the third dress is actually fabulous as well!

2024-09-15 Sunday

11:04am
The Roland GO:KEYS keyboard is excellent, so there is relief there. I have the 404, keyboard and bass now. That's all the instruments. Mixing board and MOTU on the way. I threw away the box for the keyboard. It was difficult hauling the box up to my room, but the keyboard itself is very light and easy to carry. It's a keeper, so I don't need the box. I've still got the 404 box. It's relatively big and useless as well. I picked up two plain cloth handbags. I believe it is possible for me to still haul all of this in one trip.

I'm thinking that I will not purchase a car. I'm planning on bicycling to trucking school. It's just going to be 19 days. And then hopefully I will not need a car when I'm trucking. I'll get back into town and either bicycle home or get a cab. I can make a store run with a cab or bicycle. If I do 4 rides a month at $25/ride, that is still less than most people probably spend on insurance alone. And it's possible that I can even do it all on a bicycle. If I do need a car to live in, well, that is another matter. I certainly don't need one to survive. It would be for holding my posessions. I guess I'm still paranoid about my posessions a little bit. I'll certainly be writing a book about posessions if I live long enough to have the time to do it. It has been interesting revisiting my minimalist homeless lifestyle of 20+ years ago this summer. As it is, I have almost everything I need for my new lifestyle and I can carry it all. I absolutely do not want to be homeless like that, but I have tens of thousands of dollars in the bank, so I'm not in immediate danger.

Trying to get into the trucking thing. I wish I didn't need the money from this, but I do. The world obviously needs people to work. I'm older of course, with a long work history. When talking with the trucking school recruiter, he was selling the profession by talking about the low entry barrier of a relatively small amount of money for shcool and just 4 weeks of training. I responded with how the barrier to entry in music for me was essentially 10 years of unpaid training and the same was essentially true for computer coding. I have massive skills in both "professions". It's weird that I am not doing them professionally, but I am truly over that. I'd do programming as a last resort. I'd do a small amount of music with other people if there were massive amounts of love and respect in it. I'm certainly not seeing that now. Trucking sound great to me. I'm looking forward to it and studied a good 12 pages in the driver manual last night. I'm going to approach this job with a programming logic/engineering mindset. Really everything I'm doing now is setting this up.

On the clothing end, open toed shoes are not allowed in school and likely in trucking for the most part. So I'm leaning toward women's hiking boots. The hunter socks I'm wearing with my Tevas now are a keeper. I've had so many socks lately that are abosultely horrible and hurting my feet. I was wearing these hunter socks in the 90's with my biking gear and they always worked great. I've only had two pair of jeans in my entire life, so my plan is to do leggings with these socks and boots. I picked up a couple dresses the other day and one of them is working great with the leggings with its above the knee design. It's not restricting movement and I'm hoping to wear that at the trucking school. We'll see. I'm going to do my feminine thing. I've absolutely had enough of this toxic male energy this summer. Masturbating has come back with a vengence because of being off of hormones for a month or more. Although I enjoy the feeling, I do not enjoy having to do it and the male energy side of it. I'm certainly not asexual. Sexuality is a bit complicated now, but it really always has been for me. I just know I want to stop male masturbation. I'm doing everything I can to make it as feminine as possible. It is different than it every has been. Anyway. I should be back on GAHT soon enough.

Hold Your Fire is just such an amazing Geddy Lee show. The bass lines and composition are so amazing. Signals is very similar like that. I remember sitting on the couch with our Rush Nerds band listening to Signals on record and singing the amazing bass lines. I just love those lines! I have so much there to learn.

"Find no absolution, in my rational point of view." Love it! abs(i). Use it a lot.

2024-09-14 Saturday

4:20am
Been up for a couple hours in my room. Decompressing the events of the last couple years then sitting on the floor with my new 1' board, 1" sticks, coffee in a plain white mug and my 1/4 coins. Nice, two bits!

I bought three dresses yesterday and two are keepers. Both are just above the knee height and taper out just like the icon on the women's restroom. Taper out just slightly and without pleats. One is a print that is either the super nice thin silk or an incredibly nice satin. Or perhaps polyester. I'm not a fan of satin at all, but I love silk. There are downsides to silk. I wore silk a lot in the 90's. I had two silk shirts, several pair of silk boxer underwear and a thin silk robe. I loved all of that back then. I purchased that stuff on base.

The other dress is this fabulous charcoal rich textured pattern on some cotten blend. I've got my women's black tights that are slighly loose in the lower leg and my fancy white Sketcher heels with the cork base. My feet are essentially healed and haven't been a problem for 3 or 4 days now. The Tevas and basic hunting type socks are doing their thing with bringing this healing home. It appears that the diligent work I've been doing on cutting and healing my right toenail is showing results. The whole bottom half of the nail is looking good and the top is working its way out. The nail on the top has been really thick in the last 6 months and I bought some special tool to cut it. It was like it was bunching up and growing under itself so I use this tool to just cut that away. It's so thick that I couldn't even get normal toenail cutters over it. The top is a little jagged because of the hacking at it, but it is working. I was passing a nail shop yesterday and was fantasizing about having my toenails professionally done. I've never had that before, but I love having painted toenails. My treatment isn't all that great and these shops are just everywhere. I might as well try them once. I've never painted my fingernails, but I think I'll give that a try too.

It's an amazing morning over here. I wrote this text that sums up 2023 and it's just amazing and close to my heart. I'm in my room. I have some desire to go to the lobby because I look so fabulous. Not sure that others see me that way though. I feel incredible. The room is comfortable though and feeling incredible like this is very normal for me when I'm home. This room is my home at the moment. I had a nice time on the floor and I'm not sure I can really do that in the lobby. That's an American thing I think. I enjoy the chairs in the lobby. I noticed this spring that I really miss my couch when it is gone. I probably use the couch for 20 minutes a day, but for some reason that 20 minutes is very important to my body. It produces some kind of relaxing feeling and without it there is a tension that builds up. Sleeping on a futon on the floor is acceptable. The matress and box spring setup is missed so little that it is insignificant.

2024-09-13 Friday

4:26am
....

5:37am
I don't like what I wrote but it was extremely important. I don't like the way I wrote it. It's very sensitive.

I'm a Zen transwoman.

I wrote an explanation and then deleted it just now. Before, I wrote a different story with a political end to it and deleted it. There is no going back to being male for me and there is certainly no way I'm going to give up my Zen thing.

This country makes it hard for people like me to survive. I do it in isolation.

This all came up after discovering The World Factbook this morning.

2024-09-12 Thursday

3:41am
I've been getting up at 4am for 40 years.

In middle school, I took my basic nightstand alarm clock apart and took the snooze button out of it.

I've spent most of the last 20 minutes making a shortcut for the FlashDevelop code editor I'm using to type this. I use the break element instead of paragraphs in my html and wanted a code snippit to insert a double break element. I don't like the paragraphs because many times I want a simple on line break instead of the two line breaks that you get with the paragraph. When you click on a Craigslist email link, it starts a message for my in Outlook that defaults to a paragraph style paragraph spacing that I don't like. So I always take the time to go into the FormatText section on the ribbon and then there is a section with all of that spacing and I click the little icon in the bottom right corner of that section in the ribbon to bring up all the options and then select "0" for the before and after spacing. That really bugs me in Word as well. I've tried to change those presets to no avail.

I plan to highly edit and customize FlashDevelop over the years. I've also downloaded the C# Synth Toolkit to do the same with music. I've been trying to get to that C# Synth Toolkit stuff for well over a decade. Maybe it'll happen someday? It's certainly a good retirement project.

2024-09-11 has come and gone, like so many other possible special days in my life. Nothing happened. The next special day for me is in December.

It's 4:41am. I wonder what Delcina is up to?

OK, the Windows clock says 4:34am now. Was it 4:14am back then? That rings a bell....

I'm getting a watch today.

I looked up 1984 on wikipedia and followed some links to a book called We (romanized: My). My new bass has gold strings on it. They must be brass, right? I'm not sure they sound good with the electronics. I'm getting some electronics today. They are flat wound and I haven't played flat rounds since 1984 or so. The flat wounds are interesting. Interesting how I'm playing it right now. Should I change the strings? Are they actually gold? Can I sell them? Just another weird thing to think about I suppose.

7:33pm
What a day. I played bass for about 6 hours this morning in the lobby of the hotel. Slapping a lot. Vocals. It was quite a show and there was a bit of a crowd there for a while. Everyone left eventually and I went up to get a coffee. The waitress had basically heard me the whole time when I started by the fire. She asked where I was playing and I said "Here. That was my show." I don't think she quite understood! I'm just so odd like that.

I've got many political things to write about on here. All kinds of evolved thoughts throughout the summer that have been backlogged. The whole food situation is what is coming to mind this evening. Sam always telling me "Stores don't make money on vegetables." I understand the importance of preserving food. The problem seems to be predictability. Vegetables rotting before people buy them vs preserving them and the costs that go into that. It's kind of crazy to me. I have a hard time understanding it. If people aren't buying vegetables, then what are they buying?

I know some people buy cereal. I've probably only bought 10 boxes in the last decade. Perhaps even less. A lot of people buy meat. I often go 6 months without buying meat. Frozen foods of course. I often only have peas and ice in my freezer. Milk. Not a regular thing for me but I do like making pudding in August. One of my traditions.

I often just buy vegetables and no fruit. Sam says he likes nuts. I'm so so on them. I don't even buy bread. It's really just all vegetables. I buy bulk rice. Michelle eats a lot of pasta. She says "I don't like to cook." It's a fairly easy machine crop except for the eggs. Virtually the only pasta I buy is udon noodles and I don't think they have eggs in them. Wheat is cool. I do eat rolled oats. A very small amount 4-5 days a week when I'm in my routine.

Anyway. Perhaps I've been shown in an underground way what the effect is of eating older vegetables? My hunch is that lights are used to grow most of these vegetables. At least partially. I doubt those huge flower displays are shipped in from Ecuador.

2024-09-11 Wednesday

1:26am
Waking up this morning to the ideas I've been thinking of this summer of how computers work like our mind and how our mind, the way we learn, works like a computer.

We are born with a BIOS of sorts. A BASIC/Input/Output/System. We our born into the rand-OM situation of our family situation. Whether you think of the destiny or karma of it all and past lives, there really is nothing more random than the situation you were born into. From there, your experiences are mostly not your choice. Your parents have a lot of control over you and what you do for a good many years. They are programming you with experiences.

It's filling a hard drive with recordings. How do these computers work? Programs are recordings. Saved routines. It started with flipping a few switches. Then it moved on to punch cards written with type writers. Then came the mouse. You can think of every pixel on your screen like a keyboard key and the swipe of a mouse clicking hundreds of them with a swipe that is less than a second. There are scanned documents, again working much like the mouse. Just now thinking about the optical scanning of a punch card and the light shinning through them.

You press a key on your keyboard and depending on the programming it goes though (another saved stream/routine), it activates a series of other saved routines that put a character on your screen and other things depending on the programming. I press ctrl+v and it calls up the paste function within the program. I've written code many times, a function DoPaste() where I fetch the information from the computer clipboard. It has information with it on whether it is a jpg image or text and as the programmer, I can choose what to do with that information. I'll likely paste a picture at the current position of the mouse.

In the music industry, we sometimes call digital music notation a piano roll. Much like a punch card. Player pianos. The history of language, music and the churches. I'm not so anti-religious that I don't recognize that rich history. These thoughts came about yesterday when I was reading the wikipedia page for "musician". It described about how musicians have been employed throughout history. The centuries of working for churches. Then moving on to aristrocrats. Then, in the 20^th century, professors at universities. When I went to read that page, I was thinking about musicians as leaders. Are we the very top of the social game? I'm not sure. We could be. I feel radically advanced. Not just the music, but the math and computer programming. I've been saing for more than a decade that I deserve a masters degree in an art and a science. I'm just now thinking that I'm selling myself short on that. I certainly have a decade of unpaid training/practice in music. I'm sure I have another decade in programming if you consider all of the programs I've written on my own for free. This concept started a few weeks ago with the idea of going to trucking school. One month of training and you are employable.

Money for nothing? Hardly. We need stuff moved around for sure. Part of my musical training is to do other jobs. Or is it political training? I can get frustrated with it, but I enjoy the work and I don't know what else I would do. I'm capable of playing music for 8+ hours straight. I typically switch instruments ever hour or two. I can do that day after day, week after week. Yet I don't know how much I really enjoy doing that in the long run. How good can I get? Did I become a jack of all trades by playing other musical instruments? It really started ramping up for me in 1996 when I took some drum lessons. Was learning to move my body in time good for my trombone playing? I had another infusion of time this last spring with Andy bringing a drumset into my house. He just bought a $150, put a pillow in the bass drum and some duct tape on the toms. A t-shirt over the snare drum. Vice-grips helping with the hi-hat. It wasn't fancy, but it sounded great. I hadn't played a set since 2001. It was asolutely amazing. So much fun and I was still pretty good at it.

I went several weeks this summer with no musical instruments at all. Playing drums with my hands on my thighs. Then I picked up a wooden dowel about a week ago to make sticks with. The 1 1/4" sticks. They work great for playing drums out in the world. Not good on a drumset, but good for most other objects. I like playing them with traditional grip on my thighs. Was it character assassination to me this summer, or was it just another beautiful lesson and experience? I can't tell. It seems like all my street experience might be some sort of odd gift. If I was in drug addiction during those times, I would say it wasn't a gift. It's all been work for me. Intense work. Or was it my choice to work through those bad times? I don't understand despair at all. Why you would choose despair. Is that surrender? Never give up. It's never too late.

It's 9/11 today and for me, 9/11/2024 brings up ideas of the Mars mission. About a month ago I was wondering if today was going to be the day they launch me. It doesn't appear that is happening. I'm just sitting in a hotel room like I have been for a couple weeks. I'll have to reserve the room for a third week here. I'm enjoying getting back to business as usual. Using my computer to keep my two businesses alive. Trying to get housing in this ridiculous, character assassination, situation/reality that I have now. I can feel some regret for selling my house. If you just look at the mortgage payment, the rentals on here are not that much less expensive. But then there is the problem of needing repair on the house. And the upkeep of the yard. I enjoyed doing those things several years ago, but my career stuff, both paid and unpaid work, got to be way too intense and time consuming and the yard/house maintenance took a nose dive. And so did my diet unfortunately.

OK, I guess that is what I have this morning so far. It's 2:07am now. I'm considering taking my bass to the lobby and playing there for a while. It seems that I mostly just have to relax for the rest of the week. I have to wait a few days for my credit report to rectify. And I have to wait another week to get my new distance eyeglasses. I ordered my first pair of bifocals. We'll see.

2:25am
My theory about coffee and bananas is that if we didn't send them all over the world, they would rot there on the ground and that would create a terrible bug situation. Perhaps it's a win/win like that? I have certainly become acutely aware of my coffee breath the last few months. Sure, that must be a huge turn off. And yet the coffee has been so wonderful. The comfort of it and the work vibe of it. The sobriety of it. The last couple months I've been thinking of it as a low grade cocaine. Perhaps it is from the same plant? The seed and the leaves? I have no idea. I have not seen that in person. Cocaine is an amazing drug, but I've essentially only done it twice. I urge people to not think of me as a drug person. I'm high on music and work, not drugs. I get excited thinking about industry and balance. About the simplicity of my drum stick and the complexity of this computer and keyboard. The politics of pondering where all this will be in 75 years. These buildings. Our food. What we learned in space. Am I going to the lobby now?

4:21am
I awoke with the thought that I aspired to be a famous musician. Money wasn't on the radar in that at all. It wasn't rich and famous, it was simply famous musician. Wanting to be famous for my music. It wasn't about playing gigs and it wasn't strictly about composition. I have all these jazz records and rock records that I love. Almost all of them studio albums. I study them. The process of the study is amazing. I attempt to make my own compositions and recordings.

Since there is a generation difference, perhaps I'm using a different procress to create my music. My electronic sin is copy and pasting and looping. Looping is very natural. Night and day. Cycles. Wheels. Most music is made with repetative sections. I think my copy and pasting allowed me to cut to the chase of the composition. If I had to play each part over and over again, perfectly to create those loops, I'd have to spend much more time on it than I do. So much so, that those compositions, the recordings on my website, likely would not exist. If fans were paying me for my music, I may have the time to record each of those looping parts perfectly. That hasn't been the case and I'm not sure I would even choose to do it like that in the future if I could afford it.

I enjoy digital recording. I essentially never recorded on tape. I essentially never sped up a recording. I only used MIDI (Musicial Instrument Digital Interface) to connect keyboards to sound modules and send a start signal from my computer to my devices. I also used MIDI to send the tempo to the devices so that multi-tap delay could be in the same time. I only did that a little bit though.

I'm certainly capable of playing the same one bar part over and over for 10-20 minutes. That is how I practice. The problem with recording that is that mistakes do happen. It's simply easier to get a perfect 10 second recording than a 10 minute recording. With 10 second recordings, I can get a composition done in under 10 minutes. With 10 minute recordings, I'd be at if for a few hours. And because of the mistake problem, I'd actually be at it for days to get the same result. I work for a living. I'm not a professional musician like that now. Fans have not been paying me. Do I have fans? Probably.

Perhaps I was stupid about not fantasizing about being rich? At 53yo, having been working on being a famous musician for 40 years and not ever fantasizing about being rich, I'm not sure what money would do for me. It would buy me a house where I could do my music. And it would buy me time. Equipment seems fairly easy to get. My main rig costs about $4,000. Perphaps closer to $10,000 with all the instruments. The electronics have gotten less expensive. I've proven this summer than I don't even need instruments to make music. Of course I love instruments and recording gear. It would be depressing not having instruments for a long time. When I lost my instruments, I didn't play for almost a week. It picked up pretty quickly though and was a wonderful experiment and development in my life.

So what was the fame all about? Why not just "musician"? Well, it's certainly about fans. I'm a musician. I've put massive amounts of effort into my music and want people to hear it. I want them to hear the recordings. I enjoy listening to my recordings. Other people must enjoy this. I enjoy sharing about my life on these web pages. I enjoy writing. I enjoy the adventures I go through and the intellectual and politic end of it. My thinking was simply that famous musician was a successful musician and just musician was, well, just a musician. Perhaps a musician without fans. Do I have fans? I don't get emails from fans. I don't get book and app sales. I'm not sure if I've directly tried to monitize my music. The last few years, I had a donate button on my site and I had my CDs for sale. I coded something to handle the transactions. I didn't get any sales. It's a good bet that I have some fans though. It seems that wherever I go these days, I have people saying "for" under their breath.

My goal certainly wasn't just to be famous. It was to be a famous musician. Famous for my music. Or at least for music to be a big part of that. My life revolves around music. The other things I do are important. They both contribute to my music and I like them on their own. If I am famous for some of those other things, then that is acceptable to me. It wasn't my goal, but I'm absolutely sure that those people know my music.

Where the music comes from is a mystery. Where do thoughts come from? It goes back to my earlier description of how the mind works like a hard drive. How does a hard drive make decisions? It doesn't. BASIC does. How does it do it? It's a combination of conditional logic from two pieces of information from the hard drive and/or a random number. In a more human world, decisions are made by our parents, our elders, our leaders, our teachers, our employers. When we make decisions, it's heavily based on those people and how they influenced the material on our hard drive. This brings us to the movie Bicentennial Man with Robin Williams.

Portia telling him to do the wrong thing. "The wrong thing?" "Yes."

I primarily make decisions by chasing after things I enjoy. Things I love. I like polyrhythms, so I made decsions to practice them. I like curries, so I cook them. I like cooking, so I prioritize that. Through my music, I've trained myself to enjoy working. In the kitchen, the trash needs to be taken out and the dishes need to be done. In music, there is practicing scales and practicing with a metronome. I came up with the saying this summer that your comfort zone is where the work gets done. When you are in your comfort zone at work, cranking out the daily bread, that is what is mostly needed in the world. If you are doing it mindlessly and making mistakes, well, that can be a problem. It is an act of mindfulness too. It's just not neccesarily a constant act of innovation. Getting out of your comfort zone can help with innovation. I think my comfort zone is one of the most important things I have. I've smashed it to the ground the last few years and that has been a major problem. It did propel my music and other things forward, but it wouldn't have without decades of comfort zone work. At least that is the way I see it.

7:11am
The cell towers know where they are and they know where you are via triangulation. As far as Direct TV and Satelite internet, I have my doubts. We got TV wirelessly a half century ago.

One of the space age ideas I think about, as an obvious candidate for a Mars mission, is thinking about divers and submarines. I just read the wikipedia page for decompression sickness and learned it is called the bends because these gasses in the body causing the problem tend to gather in the joints which causes pain and for the subject to bend over in pain. The article mentions extravehicular transportation in space implying that the compression of the spacecraft prevents it. It didn't mention submarines.

Andy said that the air craft carrier he was stationed on was powered by jet fuel like most Navy ships. It made me wonder if these large ships actually move and are powered by nuclear reactors. I have not been on one at sea. I've certainly played music on many of them while at port. The Navy also flew us to Bremerton for a submarine change of command once. I've been questioning how much oxygen a submarine can hold. A few months ago I was questioning whether submarines are even possible because I was thinking that the ET tank on the space shuttle was for breathing oxygen. This morning I'm not so sure about it all. A diver takes that tank on their back and can be down for a few hours. That was the math I was running with. If those tanks last 3 hours, and a space shuttle mission is 10 days, you'd need 80 of those tanks for one person. 560 for a 7 person space shuttle crew for 10 days. Do submarines resurface regularly to replentish oxygen? It makes sense, right? Unless diving tanks hold much more than they say they do or we actually can pull the carbon from the used carbon dioxide.

Is this typical songwriting thinking? Armchair politics? Graduate studies? A waste of time? Should I concentrate on writing a love song so I can make some money and start a family? Personally, I'm working on getting a little more sleep in my preparation to go to trucking school and being safe on the road. I'm going to bring a bunch of much party feeling to the trucking thing naturally, but it's not a party exactly. Being safe on the road and delivering the goods is a huge priority to me. Not more or less important than my musical venture. They work together like all my career things have.

2024-09-10 Tuesday

12:21am
I'm curious about what is on the wikipedia page for musician....

Not quite what I was hoping for, but it was interesting. The DMA (Doctor of Musical Arts) thing. The history of composition and female composers.

2:34am
I awoke from a dream about a basketball player playing in a game who was excellent. Commentary said "He doesn't play for a team. He plays for the player's sake." Weird wording "sake". Is that a drink? It does describe me in a way. I seem to be incapable of playing music with others or signing up to any real team. It brings back the "special" in the LEGO Movie idea. It's amazing the way I do things and what I can physically do. It's not condusive to having a family though. I simply haven't had the time for a family. I don't have the time to play music full time either. I don't think that detracts from my music in any way. I likely would have had a family if I would have been successful with my website music in the early 2000's. After that, ideas of having a family were more a chase to keep my music thriving. At this point of my life, it seems that energy has gotten too intense and hanging on to it is a problem. There hasn't been really substance to in 20 years.

I take my Tubespace flyer and move it above the colored backlights on my keyboard. Listening to Tears. Perhaps I'll go down to the lobby and print out the lyrics.

The nice header on this website. I like what I see there. It's fun that dottrombone.com is locked in time. I just coded the reverse function. Just took a couple minutes. I like doing coding like that.

A lot of my music from the 2000-2003 era was composed and recorded in a space much smaller than that of a semi truck. I should do fine in that environment. Access to showers is probably the worst problem, followed closely by food. We'll see.

I couldn't explicitly sign up for the transgender community. I am transgender. I am a part of that community in the same way that I am part of the music community. I'm not a flag waver. I'm not a team member in the way people normally think of it. I don't watch sports. When I say that I don't watch TV, it isn't absolutely true. I had a DVD collection. Really the newest thing in it was the 24 series. And of course Interstellar and Men in Black III. Patty and I watched Star Trek The Next Generation at least twice. I had never seen it before. I certainly watched almost the whole Little House on the Prairie series and then continued to watch parts of it. I enjoyed those movie times in the house and the apartment. I'll miss the DVD collection. I don't know that I have it in me to have a movie subscription. I prefer the discs. I may build a small collection again. I don't know. There is sadness there.

I haven't watched a sports game on TV since the 90's. And then it might have been just the Super Bowl once. I really haven't watched sports on TV since the 80's. The TV is an amazing invention. One of the best things humanity has done in my opinion. Amazing devices and the artistry of what happens in the shows. I love it, but that doesn't mean I want to spend my time watching it. I get overloaded easily and I like spending most of my time producing.

How I'm playing this bass is amazing. I've been picking up on how Sting approaches it for a few years now. And how my slapping has evolved and incorporated with those ideas. And the Geddy Lee stuff mixed in. I just have all that going on at the same time. It's already opened up a world of possibilities. It's just like my trombone range. The double high G as we say on trombone is about the top of my usable range on the trombone. This bass goes a fourth above that, but it's only on that top string. I have the top string tuned to a C. It's not like you are ever going to strum a chord on all six strings! LOL And I'm not a guitarist who has any memory of the B string offset. I have worked on playing lines on the guitar and had some marginal success with that, but not enough to retain any of that skill without an instrument in my possession.

I am capable and somewhat willing to be a part time session musician. I guess that at this point, even that is a hard concept to get behind. It seems very social. I've become very introverted musically. A Mars rock star. How all those ideas advanced this summer. With the romantic theme of it all. The melodies and harmonies. The familiar old recordings who are my friends and could be in an unprecidented lonely place. Perhaps this hotel room is like Ellie on the ship? At the very least, I can think of it that way with the destination being playing music in the truck. Well rehearsed routines.

You never know what Sam's intentions were with me. His mom was a banker. One of my last interactions with Sam was about my accounting. It seems that if I trust that Sam is talking from his personality and background, that the concept was that I'm doing this accounting to try to catch bank errors. That's not really the case. I do my accounting this way, with the software I've made and an Excel sheet, so that I am in charge of my money. So that I know what I am doing and I have a balance of my money. I'm not simply letting the bank tell me how much money I have.

It took a lot of effort the last few days to reconcile my account. The numbers were not adding up with the bank and there were a lot of transactions. It reminded me of accounting in the 1990's when I would get the monthly statement in the mail. I did it the same way back then. I do it daily now to avoid that crazy long once a month session. This time I just could not get it to reconcile and had to do an adjustment of less than one dollar. I did that yesterday and then reconciled just now and it all added up and was easy. Would I argue that with the bank? Do I have enough evidence to prove it? That's not what I'm after with doing this accounting. Not for 80 cents. I noticed a bigger accounting error sometime last month, but my life was so crazy that I was not in a position to figure it out. I don't remember what it was all about. This type of accounting is more to keep my mind sharp and have my transactions be intentful. For me to review what I have done in the previous day. To reconcile it with my business plan. In AA, this is Step 10 and I've been doing this all my adult life.

Was it character assassination this summer? Was it more training? Taking all my possessions including all of my instruments away from me and then putting this bass in my hands. It certainly feels like a gift. Perhaps it is a gift I gave myself? I was the one who did all that practicing. The bass is nice, but it doesn't play itself. I have almost 35 years of intense ear training and all kinds of physical skills. Multiple instruments. Keyboards. Bicycles. Balance. Advanced yoga. Endurance training. Mental training. Why all this training?

I've been playing this bass the last 36 hours with people around me. People working at the hotel. People driving me. People seeing me on the streets. What do they think of me? My first reaction is to think that they are jealous of me. Of the gift of it. I don't know. I work non-music jobs quite hard too. Do they know that? Many of these people likely have families. Do they know that I didn't have time for that? Do they know the sttruggles I've been through to make all this music happen? Are they disappointed that I'm incapable of performing in a band in a live concert situation? Do they realize when they see me that it is my show they are getting right there? If you are looking for a live show from me, it's seeing me in person going throughout my day. Or it's being the exclusive person who is my trucking partner. I'm curious how that is going to unfold. I'm likely going to have a lot of fun with that. I have years of experience in that kind of situation. Playing music in a 3'x5'x5' space. I played a lot of bass in moving vehicles today. It does work! The last couple days I didn't think it would. Do all these people in the cars realize that I have never heard any of those songs they are playing on the radio that I'm playing to? I don't believe I have made any compromises musically since I got out of the Navy. Sure, I went to some of the jazz jam sessions to see what they were about. I don't know what is up with the musicians in this town and I'm done trying to figure it out. I'm doing my thing for the rest of my life.

I'd rather have respectful fans around me than musicians. If I can't have fans around me, respectful fans who understand what I've been through to do music this way, then I'll just be alone.

2024-09-09 Monday

7:28pm
It seems that what happened to me this summer might have been considered character assassination. I've always kept this insanely positive attitude towards negative events in my life. I always tell myself that people are intentionally stress testing me essentially. Intellectually, I always turn "they are out to get me" into "they are out to help me." It's how I deal with paranoia.

I bought an incredible 6 string bass today. I don't have any electronics to run it through yet. I played it in the cab ride to the radio and was tearing it up and then in the hotel lobby while I was doing my laundry. It has these gold flat wound strings on them. Not sure if I like or dislike the strings yet. I played the bass yesterday, but didn't take cash with me so I could think about the decision. It'a amazing. Take away all of a musician's possessions including all their instruments for a month and then put this in their hands. Amazing!

The wikipedia page on character assasination took me to the "fair game" page with references to Scientology, so naturally I'm listening to Little Things that Count now. Bass! Slap bass! It's a fun one!

The definition of "gaslighting" came across my computer monitor yesterday. I certainly relate to being a massive victim of gaslighting. I do try to protect myself from it. I'm an optimist. I wake up in the morning, happy to be alive and start playing music or some other fun activity like going to work.

I don't know. I played incredible music today. And yesterday. These wooden dowel drums sticks are amazing. It's been a blessing to have more time for music this last year. I hope that I can continue a good groove here with the trucking. I think that team driving is the way to go. Having my partner doing a full shift and me doing a 3/4 shift so that between us we can retain 1/8 of our total shifts for extra downtime to create some music and do a little cooking. Hopefully all this gear can fit in the rig and they have a working fridge. I think it's going to work out big time. This is the way to do trucking.

I had a funny idea in the shower this afternoon. If you want to see me perform, you're going to need to get a CDL! I really am that intimate of a performer. I'm a one person band for a one person audience. It's a really special show.

2024-09-08 Sunday

4:56am Been up for a few hours doing my thing. Still in the hotel. I went to the front desk a few minutes ago with the intention of getting $3 of quarters and a box of scent free laundry detergent. The lady at the front desk said that she needed cash for the quarters. I've been buying drinks there every day and putting them on my room. I spent the $20 in cash I had at the Panda Express because my bank card was declined even though it shouldn't have been. I'm calling the bank every day and talking with a live person to get these transactions to work. The lady at the hotel counter wouldn't allow me to put the $3 in quarters on my room tab. Obviously a useful hotel policy.

I had an email this morning from the Quora digest. I just got added to that list a day or two ago from a post I did. This morning I read the definition of gaslighting in that email. "An abusive tactic to get someone to doubt their skills" or something like that. I can certainly relate to that! It seems like I'm gaslighted to the extreme my whole life. People talk about fair elections and money in politics, but then they will absolutely not donate to me, someone who I'm sure is approaching 10,000 hours of unpaid work on the effort. People are just totally insane. So I'm not doing my laundry this morning because of absurd rules. And people wonder why I just want to isolate playing and recording wonderful music.

I wrote this to a potential roommate yesterday:



Perhaps I could have kept my cool and responded to the cashier at the hotel desk "why do you think the hotel put this policy in place?" And perhaps I could have followed up with "what was it like being trained on this policy? Did you read it in a list of policies or did you learn about it from a supervisor or some training class?" Does this kind of thing go on in other countries? Do they do this in Mexico?

Or perhaps this woman knows all about me. These incredible skills I have that she will never come close to. And she just made up this rule as a game to play with me. It's her power over me in a dance. Is it absurd for me to think of it like that? Is it illogical to think that it is an impossibility? Does it make sense that she was actually trained on such a policy? Does that make any more sense at all? Is this my political training for the morning or just some rand-OM experience? City-zen? World City Zen?

OK, ok. I shouldn't let it trigger me. Now I'm considering doing a shoulder stand. The last time I did one was when I was waiting at the DMV in Lake Oswego to get my ID card so I could get access to my $50,000 and get off of the streets. I put on quite the Zen show in that line. I wrote on TGP yesterday "it seems that if you are in the presence of a musician, you are getting a show whether you are paying for it or not." Perhaps I should have used "zen guru" instead of "musician" in that statement? With me, there isn't much of a difference between the two.

Of course, I'm still analyzing the quarter exchange issue (post shoulder stand x2). Perhaps they take the cash to the bank and exchange it directly, 1:1, for quarters? It does make logistical sense. It makes me more curious about what the cashier's training on the issue was.

I just wrote Delcina: "They charged me $1,768.79 and then wouldn't give me 12 quarters! Z??" Absurd!

2024-09-07

The idea came up a couple weeks ago that my life may be so scripted that I'm not making any choices at all. One of my high school band directors retired this spring and some very disturbing virtual interactions took place during that time in June. One of just two or so friends that I had, someone from our high school band, sent me a video link of him. In the video, he mentioned something about being made fun of on national TV. That idea also came up a year or two before with someone in some regular meetings I was attending.

I awoke just now (it's 12:07am), to the idea that people are just using me as a joke. While I can certainly laugh at myself and the situations I get into, I take this stuff very seriously. Like the idea that people would think I'm stupid for not taking some big payout these last few months. That I would shy away from these big fame type moments in my life, of which there seem to have been many. It's like, what do I want to do right now? What would money actually do for me? With all the money in the world, I could have a nice room, a guilded cage with all the nice instruments I could want and all the time I could want to use them.

I shy away from things because I am not into people at all. They mostly disturb me. Not into bands at all. Even playing music with one person, like I did with Andy a few months ago, is just a very limited event for me. Why? I can't really say. The way music went down in the Navy was very disturbing. How we would play Elton John songs with the wind ensemble. The older style songs we would play in the jazz combo. The jazz combo in my second tour in the Navy was very, very good for my development. It got to the point where I was almost a solo show. In fact I could have done those gigs as a solo trombone show. Johnny was playing piano with me almost my entire time in the Navy and his playing would really disturb me a lot of the time and my relationship with Navy music was very similar to my relationship with Johnny. I wanted to be doing these one chord groove things. I listened to a lot of Joe Henderson growing up and I liked how he did that and how his playing evolved around that.

Sting did something very similar growing out of a world of playing short bass patterns. How his song writing came from that.

I always wanted to be a composer. Not neccesarily a song writer. I'm certainly highly influenced by the lyrics of Sting and Neil Peart. I osscilate between the two. Stings love focus and Neils other than love focus. The industry and Ayn Rand influence. It's all so amazing and how my life is personally tied in with those two. My life background is just crazy like that. It's not like I've been going through life focusing on how my life could have been scripted before I was born, but that thing does exist. I didn't even start reading Ayn Rand or even studying her at all until my early 40's. At 53, Anthem is still the only book I've read of hers.

The idea of objectivism came up yesterday. How I've spent the whole last 12 months going through this packing and downsizing event. A few weeks ago, I was down to abosultely no money, in a city I had never been in, in a state I had only driven through before, with just the clothes on my back, a birth certificate and some personal hygine devices like a toothbrush and shaving cream. The jacket I was wearing acted as a sleeping bag and the large pockets held all of my belongings.

It was another adventure. One of the big adventures of my life of which there has been many. I ended up in a $200/night hotel room about 10 days ago. My jacket sat in the closet next to a sign on a hanger of a couple dry cleaners nearby. After a couple days I realized how bad my jacket smelled of urine. I didn't intentionally sleep in places that had urine on the ground, but.... Well, it was so bad and there were bad vibes attached to the jacket that I associated with my lifelong best friend Sam. He may have designed and manufactured that jacket. It was well thought out for that life event with the way the pockets with those nice large plastic zippers were perfect for holding letter size paper folded in quarters. It had down feathers inside. I ended up throwing it in the trash. Urine street stuff. Wow, did I smell bad coming off of the streets 20 years ago. Much, much worse than this jacket and I couldn't even keep this nice jacket it was so bad.

So I'm doing this trucking job idea. If I can be on the road, in that tiny room on wheels, with my new 6 string bass, Roland GoKeys keyboard and an SP404, then that is almost all I could want. Does the size of the room matter? I don't know. I'm going to find out what it's like. I'm still in the hotel room. I had to get back to Portland to get access to my money again because I needed to get a new ID. I got about $50,000 from the sale of my house. I was hoping to get close to $100,000 profit from it. The house did need maintenance that required money for materials and time to install. My political work was so intense that I had no time and I certainly had no money. All year I've been fluctuation from getting a couple thousand dollars from things like tax returns and then the money would be gone paying for the mortgage and bills almost instantly leaving me with often less than $3. Then I had $50,000 in the bank and then when I transferred it to my political account, a hold was put on it for a week and I had to be out of the house in 5 days. I had been moving so much stuff throughout the whole year, selling things on Craigslist, moving them and arranging them all over the house, leaving the house for good with just what I could carry on my bicycle and then winded up back at home, that when it came time to leave the house after the sale, I was so tired of moving stuff I couldn't even do it anymore. About 8 years ago a self storage building was built just 4 blocks away from my house. I couldn't bring myself to rent a place there and move my stuff into it. I had no car, so how was I going to move the stuff there? I could have hired movers. There was the event in my life in 2002 with the bisexualy guy who scared me by injecting me with meth. He was a very disturbing character and he had taken me to those adult store porn shops during the night. Not my culture at all. And we ended up at his storage unit and that was where he dropped my trombone slide and dented it.

It was disturbing how no one wanted to buy my arcade controllers on Craigslist. I don't understand that at all. Those games are incredible. And then the desktop computers I had. Amazing, AMAZING computers and no one wanted them. I just don't get it at all. My mind says that it was just all setup. These laptop computers don't make any sense to me.

But of course I needed a computer and was in the decision making of what computer to buy a week ago. I've got an incredible, portable machine that I'm typing this on. I paid $239.20 for the computer. It's about 5"x5"x1.75". A Windows 11 machine with 4 cores that go to 3.7Mghz. 4 standard USB ports, 2 HDMI, 1 USB C and two Ethernet ports. It can run 3 monitors. It has a fan and a picture shows how you can take all the components out of the case. The fan is very, very quiet. I've only even heard it once and I've been using it for days.

Latops have terrible keyboards, terrible pointing devices, terrible small screens. They are slower than computers with fans as far as I understand. They can only run two external monitors. And even though they have those nice batteries, you still have to plug them in regularly. The way I figured it, byu not buying a laptop, I'm not hauling around all that hardware that I do not want. If I had one of those machines, I would be using other monitors as my main screen and docking to a keyboard and mouse making the whole physical package of the computer something to carry around that I don't use. Sure, I could just whip it out of a bag and work in a coffee shop. I've done that two or three times in my life. I'm not into working at coffee shops.

Peter was the person who got me most of my programming work and he went through a phase of working at a coffee shop. I held out for not working in an office with him. He wanted me to do that many, many times. He likes the social aspect of it and that networking that he does is where a fair amount of the programming gigs come from. I'm just not interested in socializing like that. Not really interesting in socializing at all.

I'm very much about the devices of humanity and the objects of God or the universe. I came to the idea a few weeks ago that I could have the best partner in the world. The best community. But without objects to play with, musical instruments and building tools, what would we do with our time? I stay very active with these things. I typically own about $5,000-$10,000 of musical instruments and computers. Although my new computer was just $240, I of course bought a fancy keyboard for it. This keyboard, another Cherry, is absolutely amazing. I bought a Cherry corded mouse this time too. You know, just a $10 mouse. OK, it actually cost me $20! I prefer cordless notebook mice, but I'm totally sick of replacing the batteries. I bought a Cherry mouse pad which isn't perfect, but may work out in the long run. I also bought a logitec webcam.

I had just left all the stuff in my house. I can't bring myself to call the realtor to get it back. He was very disturbing on many levels. Just like all of my friends. I only have one contact in my new phone with the new phone number: Delcina.

I don't know where my life is going. If there is massive political success, I may see my old friends come back into my life. It is my intention to not contact any of them ever again. It's just been that disturbing. I'm very bad at saying no to people. I like getting to know people of all walks of life and getting to know them intimately. My group of friends are an interesting mix of people. A mix of people I'm totally done with.

I'm really not into people at all. This musical family I've been a part of has been really disturbing. I've been making music on my own for 25 years and intend to go on making music the same way. It's what I enjoy. It's what I'm good at. It bothers me that people don't buy my books or pay for my music in the various ways I've come up with over the years. I work other jobs enough to be able to do my music. I refuse to call myself disabled to get a paycheck to do music. I'm not disabled in any way. I've never experienced despair. I've been theortically bankrupt, but I would never declare myself as bankrupt unless I truly become disabled.

There are jobs I'm willing to do and jobs I'm not willing to do. I'm willing to go to great extremes to not do jobs I'm not willing to do. Many, many jobs and life situations are below starving to death on the streets for me. Being a trash collector is not one of those jobs. Voluntarily becoming a trash collector is a tough business, but in the job, I'd likely do OK.

But the problem with that is my age and background. I'll be ordering off of the senior menu in less than a year and a half. I'm going to a month long CDL class later this month. I was telling the guy there when I signed up that I easily spent a decade training to become a musician and another decade to become a software coder. Both jobs paid less than entry level trucking. I've put some serious work into the things you see on this website and I'm totally justified in being frustrated with people not "donating" to me. I'm happy to be doing this trucking gig though as long as I can have my music scene with me and hopefully have a refrigerator to take a bunch of curries with me.

I'm excited about seeing the ports. About being my transwoman self behind the wheel. To be making music and listening to it while I'm driving. And of course I'm craving the isolation of it. The possibility of doing team driving too and the intimacy of that. It was amazing being in the bed of the semi while it was being driven a couple weeks ago. Totally amazing being transgender, in that bed, being driven around an offramp while waking up from deep sleep. Amazing! It should be a lot of fun.

I've got the computer hooked up to the 50" TV in the room. It's an ultra HD set, but I have it set to 1920x1080. I can't even see the screen with the resolution smaller. I bought new distance glasses a couple days ago and those may make this work better. I was initially excited to see that this TV had the extra resolution. But it was obvious right away that it didn't do anything for me with the way the desk is arranged in this room. I don't watch TV at all. I really haven't since the 80's. At this point, I won't even ever turn the TV on. I'm just not interested at all.

I'm just very introverted about it all. Perhaps even narcisistic. The LEGO movie has been on my mind for weeks. "Everything is better when you are part of a team." Perhaps my isolated life is the product of massive teamwork? That would be an ironic truth. Or am I just alone here winging it? With what has been revealed this year, I find that highly unlikely. In many ways, I am just here all alone though. The line from a Rush favorite of mine "acting well rehearsed routines, or playing from the heart it's hard for one to tell." That's me! I don't know. I do know that I have practiced my routines a massive amount of times.

I can certainly get up on a stage and talk improvised politics and play improvised solo music. I can get up on stage and improvise music with the best musicians in the world without a rehearsal. That's the kind of thing I do. Put me in a room with 50 people without any instruments and have me try to make small talk? Not going to happen. I cower away in the corner or start getting crazy and do some kind of juggling trick. My main problem with playing big concerts is that I don't understand why people go to them. I mean I really don't get it at all. I've been to 3 Sting concerts in the last 8 years. They were good shows. The recordings are much, much more important to me than the shows. I can study the recordings. I can have intimate, personal experiences with them, day after day. A concert is here and then it is gone. Doesn't do much for me at all really. Add in the being hearded into a funnel through the door. It's just pure insanity concerts. I don't get it at all. I came up with the theory the other day that people like the act of meeting their friends and doing that thing together. The intimacy of their small group as a cell in the larger group. I really don't know though. It seems like the majority of people enjoy that, so what do I know?

It's the same thing with traveling for me. I'm certainly not doing this trucking thing for the travel other than I would like to see active ports. Being a transoman in the cab, listening to my crazy 6 string bass and keyboards in a port full of men moving stuff around. That idea moves me. On the road it's just surviving the elements and enjoying the isolation. Getting a job done. Good production stuff. I'm very loopy and diciplined. Not sure how long I'll last in the career. I'm looking forward to it.

I've got to get into studying the driver manuals. I'm working on getting more sleep. I need to be a safe driver out there and I need more sleep than I've been getting this year. I'm doing a little better and I know I'll be getting less than 8 hours of sleep, but you know, safety first Cooper! -TARS

The briefcase backpack bag I got for my computer setup is incredible. Absoultely perfect for me! I keep the computer and office stuff in it and it goes wherever I go. I've got a simple cloth bag, like a grocery store bag, for my clothing. I like that my clothing is in a soft bag without any other devices around it. I only have 2 outfits now. 2 shirts, two pair of leggings, one bra, seven pair of underwear and 8 pair of old school hunter socks. I have two pair of heels and one pair of Teva sandals. I'll get a pair of work boots before I start trucking school. I might as well buy them today. Nothing else going on. I was going to wait until I rent a room, but I may as well take care of that now. If things fall apart again, it's just a $90 loss or so.

Thankfully I didn't lose my money, just the stuff. It's just really disturbing for me. My second wife's favorite movie was The Jerk. "it's losing the stuff...." Yes, stuff. Without my stuff, I'm simply trying to get the stuff back. I hope my things find a good home out there because I'm essentially just trying to get that stuff back. If it goes to a landfill, I'll be very, very upset. This world, the people in it, can be very cruel and unfair. Sure, I had some redundancy there. Quite a bit of redundancy. I bulit that stuff up so that I wouldn't have to buy a single computer again. The only thing that was poised to stop that was software upgrades like Windows 11. The only reason this makes sense for me now is because I'm mobile. I don't particularly want to be mobile. My career is essentially forcing me to do this. If people had paid me for the extensive amount of work I've done in my life, I'd just be in my house making music. Now I'm going to be driving a truck and making music. As long as I'm making music, I'm pretty happy about it all. It's frustrating. There should be some good people who enjoy that gear as I do. Or they will turn it into a museum about me. I may be building a smaller DVD collection again. I kind of like the physical discs. That GO board was fabulous. The Risk game is a huge loss. It was all a great collection. Who knows, maybe they will send me to the moon with all that stuff? My life is just that weird.

9:55am

2024-09-06

I'm back! In a new location, both physical and virtual.

What a summer! And what a year it has been. It's like I was rearranging my possessions all year long. I remember having the idea that I was going to bike to California in November or December of 2023. I spent 8 hours packing my bicycle including the idea of taking my trombone with me in the soft case on my back. I had so much stuff it was just insane and then when it came time to go, it was 3am and was the worst rain of the year. I knew it would not work and just gave up.

It was the same thing in June, but I got out the door that time. I didn't take my trombone that time. I left at 4am and went over the west hills to the bridges downtown. I took the Steel bridge and it was closed to pedestrian traffic. The gates were closed, but it didn't look like there was an obstruction, so I lifted my bicycle over the gate with those completely packed bags. I was also wearing a backpack. I think I went over 3 gates on the way accross. It was really a show and I made it to the other side.

I made it to north of Kelso. The smell on the freeway was really bad and was totally getting in my lungs. It was just complete drama like I have had so many times before. Totally not drug induced. Just crazy political training as far as I understand it.

That trip ended up with me walking on the asphault for a couple days without shoes. The only reason I wasn't torn to shreds was because I had been using these greasy, hotel size soap bars on my feet for years. I had a good layer of protection there and they cleanup up pretty quickly when I got home. Andy tore into me a month or two before scolding me for not using anti-bacterial soap. I guess we know why now.

Then selling my house on August 2^nd. Going from having less than $2 to having a little over $50,000. The whole thing seemed like a bad deal, but the house was fairly distressed and needed a new deck, and roof soon.

I had been playing and recording amazing music around the house all year. Losts of good recordings and the withAndy.mp3 is an excellent recording. The energy of running for president and US Rep combined with years and decades of dedicated practice really came together nicely. After the sale of the house, there was another few weeks of drama being homeless waiting for my financial situation to sort out. I wound up in Montana and then lost everything except for the clothes on my back and my birth certificate of all things.

I've been in this nice hotel room back in Oregon for about 9 days now. I'm cleaned up with 2 sets of women's athletic clothing. I got a good email from someone this morning who might be my new roommate in a house. She's got this picture of amazing plants! I'm looking forward to meeting her this weekend. I'm signed up to go to CDL school in 3 weeks. I have some legal stuff to take care of first. I bought a mini pc type computer and that is working great. I bought a bag for it a day or two ago. I looked at briefcases, but they were not big enough for my mechanical keyboard, but I found a soft briefcase/slim backpack and the thing is just out of this world nice. I can keep all my office and computer stuff in it and then just have a soft open cloth bag with my clothes in it.

I've got an Amazon cart with music and cooking gear in it. I'm waiting for a permanent housing situation before pulling the trigger on that shipment. I keep on feeling guilt for ordering that way, but I got my trombone online from someone in New Orleans. There is nothing wrong with ordering online. It saves trips around town. My feelings now are that it just doesn't matter all that much. If it works for you, then that is good and if stores work for you that is good as well.